Why We Hate Ourselves… And Never Know Why

There is much hate in our world. It is seen everywhere, on the street, in the media and in our towns and cities. However, in my experience, some of the most intense hate I often see is the hate that people often turn inward towards themselves. It is the most intense hate one could imagine and our thinking maintains it and consolidates it. Many clients I see show stark hate towards themselves and often when we use visualisation under meditation, they report “hating” or “wanting to hit” their younger selves when they meet them.

One of the unfortunate consequences of child abuse is alienation from the “child within”. That is the normal development of a child, emotionally and physically. This alienated child is subdued by constantly being told that it is unlovable and unworthy. Many survivors of child abuse tell of a feeling of disbelief that anyone could possibly love them and mistrust their own feelings, unable to come to terms with them. Linda Sanford in her inspiring book “Strong at Broken Places” gives us a relevant example in the story of George who was abused constantly by his drunken mother for what were essentially normal childhood activities.

George also provides evidence that the “child within” can be replaced by the “parent within”. This term describes a situation where the child, despite chronic physical, sexual and emotional abuse takes on a parenting role for the parent, nursing and looking after them in the way it should be done in reverse. These parents generally show a hatred for the inner child of their offspring and consolidated by their behaviour, try to subdue it for their own purposes. This is the point where the “child within” with all the characteristics of normal development is replaced by the responsible “parent within”. The author describes this change as “putting on a winter coat” to protect themselves from abuse, this coat no longer fitting in adulthood. This is often the case with parents who were alcoholics or addicted to drugs and other substances.  .

According to Sanford’s research, this process appeared to be consciously initiated by the children with the thought in mind that if “I look after my abusive parent, they will come to need me and love me and the abuse will stop”. Unfortunately, this was not the case and in most of the stories cited, the abuse continued or got worse.  Sandford says that such children often gain respect as adults for worthy and successful careers without themselves really knowing why or accepting that it could be anything to do with their own abilities. The child within can, however never be really totally subdued and can resurface at any time, often in adulthood in specific behavior and by complicating relationships. When a child becomes the “parent”, he or she sacrifices part of themselves to please the abusive parent. It is often the positive characteristics of the child that the abusive parents resent the most, such as intelligence and special skills. Seeing the child, reminds them of their own inadequacies. These positive characteristics are often used to get on in life, find a good job and be successful but the emotional side of the “child within” remains underdeveloped.

Sanford quotes Tom Robbins in her book when she says “it’s never too late to have a happy childhood”. Many of the survivors have realised that they must be reunited with their “child within” if they are to rectify the past. Some find it hard to “parent” the child within with the same effectiveness that they “parented” their parents. While some used this “lack of a child within” to justify irrational behaviour, others have gone on to become “good enough” parents to themselves by opening themselves up to others who then cater for the needs of the adult and the “child within” replacing some of the things lost in childhood. Sanford says that a healing process must take place, similar to recovery from grief. On one level, this would mean coming to terms with what happened followed by a deeper, more meaningful realisation of how awful the trauma was, a process of mourning. Through this, the body can be “reawakened” and the “child within” reunited with the parent within. Survivors who had been through this process talked of a “life change”, bringing new spontaneity and excitement into their life.  As Sanford says at the end of her book, we often look for hope and intimacy outside ourselves without ever “taking ourselves in our own arms”.

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