I am in a busy period of my life at present with a big move just around the corner. However, life and work goes on as normal for the time being. I normally write here about specific subjects but this post is a little different. This last week has brought a number of insights into human behavior and the consequences of that. I thought it might be helpful to give a few ideas about what I mean. A few soundbites follow concerning the week that was.
If You Are Stuck, It’s Normally A Choice
I have heard the word ‘can’t’ a few times in the last week. Of course, when this happened in therapy, it was challenged and what we found out was what was really meant was ‘won’t’. It was a choice not to take action that was needed and was truly possible. The people concerned had their reasons for not taking action but ‘cannot’ was not part of that scenario. So if you feel stuck, ask yourself if you are making the right choices. If you decide to do nothing and stay stuck, that is also a choice and every choice you make bears a consequence.
The Custody Law Is An Ass
Relationships break down and separation and divorce happen. The global statistics on this bear this out in that up to fifty percent of all relationships will end this way. When children are involved, it makes it even more difficult to go through this process. If you are an abusive, drug-taking, violent, alcoholic, narcissist, you can expect to have access to your children restricted or monitored until you clean your act up (if possible). However, even though most jurisdictions will recognise the children’s right to see both parents and be part of their lives and will encourage it, many loving parents (especially fathers) are being kept away from their children by bitter ex-partners, who use the children to maintain their own grievances. These are parents who have kept up financial obligations and attempted to maintain contact. The laws recognise the right of the mother to hold residential custody in the vast majority of cases unless good reason can be found that this should not be the case. However, this right should not be seen as a right to judge their ex-partner’s right to see their children or a right to keep the child away unless danger and abuse is inflicted on the child. To use your children to punish a ex-partner is wrong and will in the end only affect the child that is being used. Just because one relationship has died, no-one has the right to kill another one.
Stress Needs To Be Managed
Despite much research and theory, we are not truly aware of the full impact of stress on our minds and bodies. What we do know is that stress is not something that is healthy and the inability to manage it will lead to a myriad of mental and physical issues. Many people will not even realise this until these issues appear and take a toll. Many get used to living with it without trying to manage it. These people have the inability to distinguish between healthy adrenaline and unhealthy stress. The subject of stress comes up often in my daily work and I always advocate a healthy program of management based on healthy eating, good sleep patterns, relaxation and exercise. These are the basics but realistic thinking and staying in the present as much as possible are also important.
Codependent Fantasy Ruins Reality
Codependency is a fantasy that people keep going for their own purposes. Underneath the ‘good egg’ exterior is usually a melting pot of anger and resentment, shame and guilt waiting to bubble to the surface. They subdue this as they have been taught since childhood and use their giving nature to control others. Codependents lie to themselves and are generally not willing to face their true reality which is that their needs are important and giving and receiving are equally functional. Unfortunately, it usually calls for facing the very things that drive the fantasy and that means returning to the root of the issue.
Music Makes The Mood
I have a very varied music taste. Like a lot of people in my age group, music from the past means a lot. Music can make you feel better, can put things into perspective and take you out of a stressful moment. I have personally used music in this way nearly of my life and various songs can bring back a memory that has been forgotten in an instant. I listen to jazz, country, classical, AOR, 60’s, 70’s and lots of relaxation music. When I need some pep, I go to Linkin Park.