Our Constant companion : the inner critic

Everyone has an inner critic. Our self-esteem and self-image are developed by how we talk to ourselves. All of us have conscious and unconscious memories of all the times we felt bad or wrong – they are part of the unavoidable scars of childhood. This is where the inner critical voice gets started. We also have an inner voice that has our best interest at heart. Listen to the good inner voice. How we respond to our good inner voice determines how we feel. When we don’t listen we feel bad. When we follow its lead with faith that it is guiding us towards what is best for us, we feel good.

How do you stop your inner critic? Before you can disarm the critic, you have to know him. Secrecy is his greatest strength. So if you can get really good at hearing and identifying his voice, you will have won a major victory. Remember that every time the critic attacks he is doing you real psychological harm. He is further wounding your sense of worth and making it harder to feel competent and happy in the world. You can’t afford what he is doing to you. It’s costing you too much.

Analyze your critical thoughts. As you analyze your critical thoughts, determine what they help you feel or help you avoid feeling; you’ll begin to see a pattern to the attacks. One person may find his critic’s primary function is to help him atone for guilt. Someone else may experience a critic whose main effort is to provide achievement motivation. Another person’s critic may help desensitize her to the fear of rejection. Or a critic may harangue you to stay on the straight and narrow path. When you become aware of the theme or themes your critic uses, you are ready to fight back.

Some of the times to catch your inner critic are: when you are feeling depressed or down on yourself, meeting strangers, contact with people you find sexually attractive, situations in which you have made a mistake, situations in which you feel criticized and defensive, situations in which you feel hurt or someone has been angry at you, and conversations with parents or anyone who might be disapproving.

Disarming the critic involves three steps: (1) unmasking his purpose, (2) talking back, and (3) making him useless.

There are few things more effective for winning arguments than to suddenly unmask your opponent’s ulterior motives. A classic example is tobacco company “research” that finds no link between cigarette smoking and heart disease. Since the ulterior motives of the tobacco industry are clear, few people take their arguments seriously. Getting clear about the critic’s function makes everything he says less believable. You know his ulterior motive. No matter how he rants and raves, you’ve exposed his secret agenda and therefore feel less vulnerable to him. Remember that the critic attacks you because his voice is in some way being reinforced. When you are able to identify the role your critic plays in your psychological life, when you are able to call his game, you are beginning to seriously undermine the credibility of his message.

People with very low self-esteem have a more vicious and demoralizing inner critic. Low self-esteem robs you of your confidence. You no longer trust your ability to cope or make decisions. Risks stop being challenging; they’re scary. Since you can’t live up to your own critical voice, you’re also often critical of others. There are several things you can do to diminish your negative inner critic. Research indicates that to change behavior, it is more effective to stop telling yourself negative things than to just tell yourself positive things. It’s not so much the power of positive thinking as it is the power of non-negative thinking. So how do you stop telling yourself negative things? Read and try the following:

1.Hear your inner critic. Catch him in the act. You can’t change anything you don’t know is there. If you’re not paying attention to it, you’re actually reinforcing it. Once you hear your inner critic and know your vulnerable times you can then learn how to “turn off” and disarm it..

2. Talk back and get angry at the inner critic: Here are some examples of how to talk back:

This is poison. Stop it!
These are lies.
These are lies my father told me.
No more put-downs.
Shut up!
Get off my back!
Stop this garbage!

Note: Choose a short statement that helps you feel angry. It’s good to get mad. (use profanity if you feel like it) Mentally scream at the critic so that you can drown him out with your anger and indignation.

3. Try thought stoppage: Tell the critic to stop. Stop ruminating. Get up, move, get a drink of water.

4. Use attention shift: Look outside. Look at people around you. Look at any object nearby and study it intently. Turn worry over to higher power

5. Then tidy up: Put the worry in a shoe box on the top shelf of the closet in your mind and pack it away. Schedule time to worry. Write worries down and schedule time to think them over. When repetitive thoughts occur again say STOP I’ll worry about this at (name a specific time.)

6. Now ask the price: What price have I paid to listen to the critical voice? Make a list of the ways the critic has hurt you in relationships, work and self-esteem. The price may be external or internal.

Now you must replace the inner critic with your positive voice. Use a self compliment or a pre-selected affirmation.

If none of the above works for you try putting a rubber band around your wrist and snap it each time your inner critic speaks. Mentally scream “Stop it!” while snapping the rubber band. The sharp stinging sensation breaks the chain of negative thoughts and acts as a punisher so that the critic is less likely to attack in the near future. The important thing is to catch the critic just as he starts. It takes about 21 days to change a habit. Be consistent with this behavior and you will have more love in your life starting with yourself.

Dr. Nicholas Jenner is a  Counseling psychologist in private practice working with individuals, couples, groups and companies and specialising in CBT. Apart from seeing clients face-to-face, Dr Jenner also runs a thriving online therapy business bringing help to those who are housebound or located in rural locations where therapy is difficult to find. For more information , follow the link to his website HERE

Want to know more about Dr Nicholas Jenner? Check out what his clients say….HERE

  15 comments for “Our Constant companion : the inner critic

  1. June 1, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    Thank you for the help!

  2. June 2, 2012 at 3:24 am

    Hi Dr Jenner, fantastic post, I know a few people who beat themselves up this way all the time. I will past this post along to them. Have a wonderful weekend 🙂

  3. June 2, 2012 at 10:04 am

    I bet we all needed this! Thank you for the great post Dr. Have a great weekend!

  4. June 2, 2012 at 5:45 pm

    I sent your link to this blog to another blogger who is in a depressed state of mind and is in a group home who I think will benefilt from some things you said….Diane

  5. June 3, 2012 at 3:28 am

    Oh man do I have an inner critic, but any way this might not be a big deal to you but i nominated you for a pass it forward type of an award – -http://sparrowinthesnow.wordpress.com/2012/06/02/how-do-these-award-things-work/

    • June 3, 2012 at 9:57 am

      Thanks for taking the time to nominate my blog…it means a lot

  6. June 3, 2012 at 7:50 am

    Reblogged this on Secure2mao and commented:
    This is a very timely post to help us build success

  7. June 3, 2012 at 7:53 am

    This is thought provoking piece i could not resist re-blogging it to

  8. Erinina
    June 4, 2012 at 3:36 am

    Great post! I’ve definitely been thinking about the link between my own self criticism and my criticism of others. I also find trying to accept others and love them when I catch myself judging them seems to help me be more loving towards myself too. Maybe it works in reverse!?

  9. June 5, 2012 at 3:39 am

    Hello Dr. Jenner. I reached out to you a few weeks about an interview. Did you ever receive that message? Please email me at letteschatnow@gmail so we can discuss in detail. Thank you!

    • June 5, 2012 at 7:12 am

      HI…I answered the mail the same day…strange it didn’t get through

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