Getting through the hell of suicide.

Historian Arnold Toynbee once wrote, “There are always two parties to a death; the person who dies and the survivors who are bereaved.” Unfortunately, many survivors of suicide suffer alone and in silence. The silence that surrounds them often complicates the healing that comes from being encouraged to mourn.

Because of the social stigma surrounding suicide, survivors feel the pain of the loss, yet may not know how, or where, or if, they should express it. Yet, the only way to heal is to mourn. Just like other bereaved persons grieving the loss of someone loved, suicide survivors need to talk, to cry, sometimes to scream, in order to heal.

As a result of fear and misunderstanding, survivors of suicide deaths are often left with a feeling of abandonment at a time when they desperately need unconditional support and understanding. Without a doubt, suicide survivors suffer in a variety of ways: one, because they need to mourn the loss of someone who has died; two, because they have experienced a sudden, typically unexpected traumatic death; and three, because they are often shunned by a society unwilling to enter into the pain of their grief

As a therapist, it can always be the case that I can be confronted with a situation where a patient is suicidal.  While some are obvious cases, I always need to be aware of the more subtle clues that might lead me to believe that it could happen.  It is a difficult one. Given the legal obligations that therapists work under in that these cases must be reported if a feeling is there that an attempt is imminent, some patients who would plan such a step would go to great lengths in order to avoid the therapist getting any kind of clue of intention.  I have been through this a number of times and it doesn’t get easier. The whole idea of someone taking their own life is a mystery to most. Often loved ones left behind are racked with guilt and pain, torturing themselves about what they could have done to stop it. In the end, the answer might be not much but that doesn’t stop the living hell that goes with the pain of loss. The waves of emotions that flow through the minds of suicide survivors can be so devastating that they cause the person to no longer be able to function. Life just seems to stop for them, now that their loved one has died by suicide. These emotions may occur singly, or in clusters, come fleetingly or stay for lengthy periods of time. They all need to be dealt with in order for healing to begin.

• Shock – Most survivors of suicide feel shock as an immediate reaction, along with physical and emotional numbness. This reaction is the temporary way for the person to screen out the pain of what just happened, to allow time to comprehend the facts, and take things in smaller and more manageable steps.

• Anger – Loved ones and family members often express anger, or suppress it, at the waste of human life. Anger is another grief response, and may be directed toward the person who died by suicide, to themselves, another family member, or a therapist.

• Guilt – Following death by suicide, surviving family members rack their brains trying to think of what clues they missed, how they may have been able to prevent the suicide. This self-blame includes things they said (or didn’t say), their failure to express love or concern, things they planned to do (but never got around to) – anything and everything in a never-ending kaleidoscope.

• Fear – If one family member committed suicide, perhaps another will make an attempt. The surviving family member may even fear he or she is in jeopardy.

• Relief – When the deceased died by suicide after a protracted illness filled with intense physical pain, long decline into self-destructive behavior, or ongoing mental anguish, surviving family members may feel a sense of relief. Finally, the loved one’s suffering is over.

• Depression – Nothing seems worth an effort anymore to many suicide survivors. This manifests itself in sleeplessness or disturbed sleep, changes in appetite, fatigue, and loss of joy in life.

Grief experts say that most of these intense feelings will diminish over time, although there may be some residual feelings that may never truly go away. In addition, some questions may forever remain unanswered.

To M : Your shining light has finally gone out. I will miss your determination to overcome adversity and pain with a smile and a good word for anyone who came into your life. I will miss the little things about you that came to define you in my eyes. How you noticed and praised  any little change in decor in my office, how you turned up one day and helped me without request. I will miss many things about you but most of all I will miss you. RIP.

Dr. Nicholas Jenner is a Counseling psychologist in private practice working with individuals,couples,  groups and companies globally. Online therapy is, in my experience, effective for treating a number of major conditions. Are you having issues that you need to talk through? I have a range of plans that can help you get the help you need.  Online Therapy details : Here ……


  7 comments for “Getting through the hell of suicide.

  1. May 28, 2014 at 11:17 am

    Reblogged this on Creativity From Within.

  2. May 28, 2014 at 2:38 pm

    Thank you. My sister has been battling depression since puberty. My family suffers tremendously when she gets admitted for the umpteenth time, because your heart is so broken already. Her ex-husband committed suicide and that left her devastated. You can heal from such inflicted wounds, but the scars will always remain.

    • May 28, 2014 at 4:22 pm

      Best wishes to your sister. I hope she someday finds the peace she needs and deserves.

  3. May 28, 2014 at 4:16 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. I have been to the funeral of a young man who committed suicide and saw every single one of these issues playing out in the mourners. It is difficult to deal with.
    Bless you at this time.

    • May 28, 2014 at 4:20 pm

      Thank you.I knew the young lady concerned in a professional capacity. However, she was a very special person and she will be sorely missed by all who knew her.

  4. May 28, 2014 at 10:24 pm

    Reblogged this on Casa de la K and commented:
    My father committed suicide in 2003. Thank you for posting this. <3 K

  5. May 28, 2014 at 10:26 pm

    My father committed suicide in 2003. Thank you for posting this. <3 K

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