Codependency Stories Day 12: Narcissist Grandparent

Today, we meet C who is having trouble with her mother-in-law and is looking to her husband to set boundaries. Something he finds difficult to do due to his codependency with his mother who he tries to please at all costs. He was the “golden child” and was taught that her needs were more important than his. It is putting his marriage under pressure.

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C’s Story…..

I cannot put up with it any longer. She is trying to take my children over , and drive a wedge between me and my husband and at the moment, she is winning. My husband is too afraid of upsetting her and says nothing, leaving me to set any boundaries that are set. When I do this, I become the “bad one” and my husband will often argue with me. She tries to parent my children and I have the feeling she is trying to alienate me. She wrecked her son’s life and now she wants our children.

Some years ago, I wrote about the concept of the golden child in a family. Succinctly put, this is a child who is asked to maintain the self esteem of a narcissist parent by being everything that he or she was not, being the child that is put forward in the community as special. The downside of this is that the parent is the one who takes any success that the child has and the child is conditioned to put the needs of the parent before their own. In effect, everything they do is to make the parent look good or to make them happy. In extreme cases, the child is subjected to an emotional caretaking role and is often involved in conversations and discussions about the parent’s life that no child should be involved in. It obligates the child to be codependent with the parent and the parent sucks the child dry. The last point especially can be extremely damaging and that is where the term emotional incest can be applied.

When the child becomes an adult, this obligation continues and the child will continue to run their lives around the needs of the parent who becomes the focal point of their lives. They will often sacrifice other healthier relationships to maintain the dysfunctional cycle with the parent. Often the golden child is seen as narcissist themselves towards anyone but the parent and it is extremely difficult for them to have normal, healthy relationships. Often the parent interferes and makes it clear that they disapprove if they feel they are losing control. I have known situations where a parent emotionally distances themselves and uses silent treatment until the child falls into line.

This situation is bad enough. However, it can get far worse once the golden child has a child themselves. The narcissist parent is ready and more than willing to crown a new golden child in the family. If this situation is not recognised and stopped, then the cycle will repeat itself. Only this time, the original golden child becomes a manipulation tool and is brushed aside for the grandparent to take over. The grandchild becomes the new beacon of the family and another vehicle for the narcissist grandparent to fill the self esteem void. There is no end to the lengths they will go to maintain this hold over the new addition, especially if they feel that someone is wrestling control from their hands. They will break marriages, relationships, use financial and emotional manipulation to meet their ends. The original golden child will, of course, be very sensitive to this manipulation and will, without intervention, eventually fall into line fearing the loss of the relationship.

This situation is bad enough. However, it can get far worse once the golden child has a child themselves. The narcissist parent is ready and more than willing to crown a new golden child in the family. If this situation is not recognised and stopped, then the cycle will repeat itself. Only this time, the original golden child becomes a manipulation tool and is brushed aside for the grandparent to take over. The grandchild becomes the new beacon of the family and another vehicle for the narcissist grandparent to fill the self esteem void. There is no end to the lengths they will go to maintain this hold over the new addition, especially if they feel that someone is wrestling control from their hands. They will break marriages, relationships, use financial and emotional manipulation to meet their ends. The original golden child will, of course, be very sensitive to this manipulation and will, without intervention, eventually fall into line fearing the loss of the relationship.

It is important that a child is protected from any negative influence in his or her life and while it is always positive for children to have a functional relationship with the grandparents, the frequency and type of contact should be firmly set by the parents. It is important that the mother and father are on the same page with this so an awareness of the damage done is needed and recognised. Essentially, grandparents are only entitled to the rights afforded them by the parents. If they are narcissistic, then they need to be kept away from your children or at least extremely strong boundaries set. As a child of a narcissist parent, you have been taught that your needs are less important than theirs. That you are just the vehicle to make them feel better about themselves. Don’t put your child through the same.

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