When problems arise in a relationship, couples are often told they need to “communicate” – or talk to each other. If a couple is in crisis, my feeling is that they need to talk more and not less. However, even those who do this often do not know how to talk about problems effectively and communication only makes the situation worse.
For the most part, there are two basic ways of talking about issues: Direct Accusation versus Problem Identification (described below). Unfortunately, most couples use direct accusation rather than problem identification when trying to resolve conflict.
Direct accusation is more likely to produce the kind of response that will shut the discussion down or will result in the kind of defensive behavior associated with “point scoring” and “tit for tat” back and forth interaction that leads nowhere fast.
Direct Accusation – Focus on Partner’s Behavior
When upset or angry, many people confront their spouses or partners by focusing on their behavior. These accusations can be made directly “You did this or that” “You made me upset because you…” or even in the form of a question “Why did you…?” The motivation behind making such accusations is typically to change a spouse’s or partner’s behavior or to the extreme, control. People believe that if they get upset and point out their partner’s mistakes, things will change. This rarely works.
If you accuse a partner of wrongdoing, partners typically
- get defensive – fight back or withdraw (stop listening and stonewall)
- offer an (insincere) apology designed to stop your attack
- hide and conceal similar behavior in the future
The long term outcome of directly confronting a partner is:
• increased distance
• less understanding and greater dissatisfaction • the lack of a genuine resolution
• increased future conflict
A more effective approach involves focusing on owning the problem and assertiveness not a partner’s behavior.
Problem Identification – Focus on Assertiveness and Owning The Problem
A better way to resolve relationship problems involves focusing on being less accusatory rather than blaming a partner for what happened (even if, your partner deserves blame). It is easier for a partner or spouse to hear what you have to say when you focus on your own feelings and not dwell on his or her mistakes. For example, if your spouse has a habit of coming home late – rather than make a direct accusation –
“I hate when you’re so late – why do you do that?”
It helps if you can focus on your feelings instead:
“I am feeling sad and a little frustrated. Can we discuss something that is bothering me?.”
In the above example, no blame was assigned and the focus was on problem solution. Phrasing a concern as “I feel…” rather than “It makes…” is a more effective way of solving problems. Even a phrase such as “It makes me uncomfortable” can bring a defensive response. The motivation for dealing with problems this way is to get your partner to hear what you have to say. If you can get your partner to under-stand your point of view, you are much more likely to create a meaningful and lasting resolution.
By focusing on your assertive approach instead of a partner`s behavior, more likely is that people will:
• listen to what you have to say
• empathize with your position
• discuss the problem in a constructive manner
And there are many benefits of approaching relationship problems in this way:
- increased closeness, satisfaction and understanding
- greater potential for resolution and change
- less future conflict
Simply put, directly confronting a partner often leads to greater resistance, more conflict and resentment. Of course, it is easier to get angry and make accusations, but doing so rarely leads to positive, long term outcomes.