Codependency : That “Treading On Eggshells” Feeling

Free From Codependency

Walking-on-egg-shellsAs I have mentioned here a few times before, I suffered badly with codependent issues. Even though I have largely overcome these, there are still some clear traces that I constantly work on (or have to work on).  One of these and one that I see often with clients is hyper-vigilance, not in the sense of physical threat but mostly to do with observing a partner’s behavior for signs of change. For codependents who constantly live with insecurity, these signs could mean a lot.

Many clients who have noticed this element in themselves take any perceived change as a possible signal that they are about to be abandoned. In reality, there is usually nothing to be worried about or there is an issue that is not much to do with the relationship. What it does to a codependent is foster an attitude of “treading on eggshells”.  They feel that the…

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My E-Book Available on Amazon Kindle

Book CoverYears in the making, this book looks at our expectations of romantic interaction. Learn how to understand your relationship, what can go wrong and more importantly what you can do to put it right. Reach for the ideal in your relationship.

Relationships often fail because we forget the fundamentals of human interaction. We forget to listen, we forget to communicate what we are feeling or thinking. We make assumptions without having real evidence in front of us. We blame our conditioning, our childhood but sometimes fail to realise that we have choices. Choices that make or break our relationships. We fail to realise that doing nothing is also a choice

” I hope by reading this book, you might gather that relationships often fail because we forget the fundamentals of human interaction. We forget to communicate what we are feeling or thinking. We make assumptions without having evidence in front of us. We become impatient, look for something new and sometimes end up where we started. …Nothing is perfect but very good and excellent can be had with the right partner, attitude and amount of work” Epilogue, Our Quest for Happily Ever After.

Please follow the relevant link below for download.

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Victimhood: A Tool In The Codependent Armory

Free From Codependency

thCodependents get a lot of sympathy from me. They are more likely to be abused and taken advantage of and their good nature is often exploited. They make bad decisions about relationships and one gets the impression that they seem clueless about how relationships develop. However, codependents also have a range of tools in their make-up that they bring out and use if they need to. This is usually when they feel they are losing control of the “object” of their codependency physically or emotionally.

When this happens, a codependent will immediately feel threatened. They will feel potential loss, rejection and the imminent fear of being abandoned. Codependency is also about control… control that they need and desperately cling to in order to feel secure. Remember, they sacrifice and martyr themselves to make themselves indispensible in their “objects” lives. In return, they want and need devotion. This, of course, mirrors the…

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Relationships : Why we Focus on our Partner’s Past

1351976438608666029We all have a past. When two people come together and try to form a relationship, the experiences gained by both play a role.  How much of a role depends greatly on the people concerned and the experiences they gained. If trust issues are present or have been brought into the relationship, the past suddenly becomes all-important. If you are looking for reasons to trust or distrust, here lies a body of work to reference.

Patterns of commitment and behavior can be seen or evaluated. Of course, this is important if abuse has taken place or there might be a suspicion of criminal activity. This is then useful information. However, when a person’s past becomes an obsession then the secure basis needed for the relationship to blossom can become shaky. The old saying goes that the past should be seen as irrelevant, that the present and the future are the most important. The sentiment is nice but slightly unrealistic.  As humans we are an extremely curious species, we want to know everything and we want to know everything and we want security and reassurance. Most of all, we want to ‘own’ the new person we have found. We want to be sure that they were never as happy as now, with us. We want to know that they are having the best love life, the better foundation, the more hope. The bottom line is… we want to know that we are “The One”, “The Special One” that they have never experienced.  This is a natural feeling and of course, feeling special in someone’s life is indeed extremely pleasurable. However, this need can turn to almost an addiction that can lead to such irrational behavior as checking social media, phones and email looking for answers and reassurance.  Additionally, “tests” may be set that need to be passed. We need to have an iron clad guarantee that things will work in the way we hope. Instead of reassurance, often insecurity follows.  Look hard enough and you will always find something. The fact is that we often look to our partner’s past to deal with our own trust issues.

Have we made the right decision? Is this person our latest disappointment to bear? Is there evidence that points towards our often-bad experiences being repeated? We need to make sure. 100% sure.

Unfortunately, when we do this we fail to factor in elements that could bring balance. What is the current evidence that we have? If the relationship is mostly good, do we recognize that? Secondly, do we keep in mind that people can change and mistakes are commonplace and “human”? Are we setting standards and expectations on our partner that, for protection, are too high or unmanageable? If you are feeling insecure in your relationship, look at your own issues first – Are you working on experience and not real evidence?

 

 

 

Letting Go Is Hard As A Codependent

Free From Codependency

start 5 (002)Codependents love to give. It is what they do, continually. As I have mentioned in previous posts, this giving comes with an element of return… giving for codependents means having control and they try to keep that status quo. However, despite these attempts, it sometimes goes wrong and a decision needs to be made… a decision that some find easier to make than others.

For a codependent, letting go of the object of their desires is more than a just decision about the relationship. It is also about being alone and potentially starting again. These factors are usually the very things that keep them from finding the strength to end something that is not working for them. Ultimately, the decision is often taken out of their hands and they are left, leaving them feeling rejected and worthless, blaming themselves and feeling guilty. The reaction is to try even harder to…

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One Day LEFT !! Get Your Free of Our Quest for Happily Ever After!!

Book CoverThe response has been overwhelming….thank you!! There is one day left to get your free copy!!

As a thank you for following me and to officially launch my new e-book, Our Quest for Happily Ever After, I would like to offer you all a free download of the full book, starting today until the 8th of August. This is a book I am very proud of and I am very happy to share it with you. It is a culmination of years of experience working with couples and teaches t we forget that the simple, fundamental things matter in a relationship. Happy Reading!

” I hope by reading this book, you might gather that relationships often fail because we forget the fundamentals of human interaction. We forget to communicate what we are feeling or thinking. We make assumptions without having evidence in front of us. We become impatient, look for something new and sometimes end up where we started. …Nothing is perfect but very good and excellent can be had with the right partner, attitude and amount of work” Epilogue, Our Quest for Happily Ever After.

Please follow the relevant link below for download.

Amazon UK HERE

Amazon USA HERE

Amazon Canada HERE

Amazon Germany HERE

Amazon France HERE

Amazon Australia HERE

Amazon Italy HERE

A Special Thank You : My New EBook Available FREE until August 8th

Book CoverAs a thank you for following me and to officially launch my new e-book, Our Quest for Happily Ever After, I would like to offer you all a free download of the full book, starting today until the 8th of August. This is a book I am very proud of and I am very happy to share it with you. It is a culmination of years of experience working with couples and teaches t we forget that the simple, fundamental things matter in a relationship. Happy Reading!

” I hope by reading this book, you might gather that relationships often fail because we forget the fundamentals of human interaction. We forget to communicate what we are feeling or thinking. We make assumptions without having evidence in front of us. We become impatient, look for something new and sometimes end up where we started. …Nothing is perfect but very good and excellent can be had with the right partner, attitude and amount of work” Epilogue, Our Quest for Happily Ever After.

 

Please follow the relevant link below for download.

Amazon UK HERE

Amazon USA HERE

Amazon Canada HERE

Amazon Germany HERE

Amazon France HERE

Amazon Australia HERE

Amazon Italy HERE

The Fear Factor

The old saying goes “Life is about choices. If you don’t like your life, make better choices”.  This is totally correct. We make choices about most of the things that happen to us in our lives. We can choose to stay in a relationship or go, we can mostly choose to be happy or sad, we can choose to change our lives, sometimes in the most extreme way.  We are the only species on the planet who can deeply analyze the past, predict the future, and make conscious, self-aware decisions. It gives us power, freedom and responsibility. The responsibility to judge stimulus from sensory input and make an appropriate response.

This is the theory and as with all theories, it sounds very effective. Putting the theory into practice is not always easy. As humans, we are not all about logic. We are also emotional creatures and that often means our emotions have a massive bearing on our response, or better said, the process that leads to the response. Wrapped up in all of this is conditioning, experience of similar situations, our assumptions plus more basic emotions such as pride, jealousy, and most of all fear. Fear of loss, rejection, conflict, being alone, to name but a few. In this case, that we can think deeply, analyze, and predict sometimes works against us. For we also have the ability to practice cognitive distortions such as mind reading, catastrophic thinking, etc. This complicates everything when we view the world we live in: the view of ourselves, the people around us, interaction with those people, decision-making, conflict management, among many others.

We allow our fears instead of our ability to choose to dictate our cognitive processes. In therapy, such methods as CBT can help to challenge irrational thinking and teach tools that can bring about sustainable change. However, there is a lot that can be done that can help the situation. One of the best methods is a daily mood diary where triggers can be monitored and ultimately changed and dealt with.

A method I sometimes teach comes from the Buddhist faith. It is a visualization about a house with a basement and a healthy room.  Best done under meditation, it involves imagining the inner critic sowing seeds of fears in the basement. When they become big and strong, they are invited into the healthy room to be questioned and weakened. Here, we are making the greatest choice to face our fears.

Codependents Always Hope Things Will go Their Way

Free From Codependency

Of the two extremes, codependents (unlike narcissists) are generally seen as the warm and fussy ones. Self sacrificing and eager to please, they are an absolute delight to be around if you are the kind of person who likes to freely take and accept all they have to give and there are many who do.  Codependents get involved with a certain type because like a jigsaw puzzle they fit together nicely. One constantly gives, one constantly takes. A perfect dysfunctional meeting and matching of ideals. Of course this situation is normally doomed to failure and when the house comes crashing down, the codependent suffers more than most. The reason being they have invested heavily in the relationship and stand to lose much more in their view. This is usually because they have lost themselves in the relationship and identified themselves through their partner. The idea of splitting such intensity (not…

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Codependents and Break-ups

In my experience in treating codependents that find themselves alone, I often see feelings of guilt, self-blame and an overwhelming sense of responsibility for the break-up: “I could have done more”, “What did I do wrong?” are statements and questions I often hear.

Free From Codependency

When a relationship breaks up, it is never easy. Feelings naturally run high and emotions can be overwhelming. How quickly one gets back on track depends a lot on the person. When that person is a codependent, it can be a lot worse. Codependents in relationships have an object of codependency to whom they are attached and fixated on. I have previously written on the sacrifice and martyrdom from codependents that keep their object in place.

This controlling measure is generally tolerated by a partner who is willing to take. A perfectly dysfunctional arrangement. What happens, however, when the ‘object’ is no longer there? The sacrifice has nowhere to go. Anyone reading this will know that it is very difficult to give inwardly to self. The self-esteem void that caused the codependency in the first place will ensure this is unlikely to happen. Instead, codependents are more likely to jump…

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