society | Boundaries of the Soul

The Inner Critic comes in all forms

May 7, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

“I am really driven, but my drive doesn’t affect the conversations I have in my head about life, and my worries and fears and insecurities.” Zach Braff .

Following on from my last post about the early influences we experience that can form the inner critic . The concept of an inner critic is well known but most people have to deal with more than one manifestation. There might be one that attacks you for doing too much of something and another who then berates you for being lazy. The advice would be to work with each separately. I will now look at the types of inner critic that can pop up.

We all know it, only too well. It’s that inner voice, that “inner critic,” that seems always present and always keenly prepared to defeat us. When we feel happy, the voice says: “Yeah, this can’t last.” When we’re about to attempt something, it whispers: “Watch out. You’re gonna fail.” And when we do succeed, the voice dismisses: “That was just luck. It won’t happen again.” However, less known is the fact that a number of inner critics can form and work together to keep us in a hole of negativity. Understanding which ones are present and how they combine and appear can help us to counter them and reduce their power. Following are descriptions of the most common ones I have experienced in my day-to-day work.

1. I am a Perfectionist…I need 120%.

I set very high standards for your behavior, your performance and your interaction with others. My demand is that you do these things and everything else perfectly. When you fail, I will attack you and let you know frequently how not good enough you are. Sometimes my demands will mean that you don’t start something or if you do, you won’t be able to finish it for fear of failure and sometimes even success. My message is….. Don’t do anything unless it is 120% perfect. Doing nothing prevents the feelings you will have about failing and keeps my hold over you strong.

2. Trust is good, Control is better…

I will make you feel bad when you want to do something impulsive or addictive. When you are down on yourself and you overeat, use drugs or get angry, I will remind you how disgusting you really are. You see, I am in a constant battle with the impulsive critic who tells you it is ok to do such things.

3. Work, Work, Work…

I will attempt to motivate you by pushing you harder. I will remind you of how lazy, stupid or useless you are . I like to keep you in that hamster wheel for fear of you falling into the clutches of your procrastination critic.

4. Risks are bad…

I know they say that part of life is the taking of risks, the unknown is exciting but not in my book. I will try desperately to undermine your confidence and self-esteem to stop you taking those risks. You see, I am protecting you from hurt and rejection. Who needs success when you can safely do nothing? You will never amount to anything anyway, so why try?

5. Seek and Destroy…..

I am the most dangerous and powerful of your critics. I am the one who attacks your fundamental self-worth, destroying green shoots of recovery before they grow and reminding you that you should not even exist. My sole task is to wipe out your positive energy, creativity and spontaneity.

6. You should feel Guilty….

My job is to remind you of those things you have done or didn’t do or kept secret. I will tell you how guilty you should feel for hurting that person, betraying that value or repeated behavior you should feel ashamed of. I will never forgive you for what I feel you have done and you have to pay. I am only trying to help you avoid the pain by constantly keeping it in the foreground.

7. The Shaper….

I try to get you to adapt to social and family norms by telling you how few friends you have, how socially inept you are and what an outsider you are. I don’t see change as at all positive.

In order to understand the complexity of the inner critic, we must realise that as children, growing up in dysfunction, we absorbed certain things about the world and used survival mechanisms to cope. Part of the mind’s role, the more primal part, is to protect us from danger. In a sense, it is hard-wired to keep us alive and help us survive. As a result, it “records” past incidents that could cause danger and refers to this when similar incidents occur, sometimes years later. It causes us to react to the perceived danger by withdrawing, stopping or pulling back from certain activities, ( of course, this can be useful when walking out in the street in busy traffic). However, it becomes a hinderance when it holds us back from “dangers” that we are meant to “outgrow”. Indeed, the painful experiences our minds record most vividly are from our earliest years: our infancy, our childhood, even our teens. During these early formative years, we were understandably overwhelmed by the world. In our infancy, we were completely dependent; and, as such, we justly interpreted the slightest physical or emotional discomfort as a very threat to our existence. As children, any sense of separation from our parents or other comforting things triggered a sense of panic or fear of abandonment. Any dysfunction around our basic structures such as abuse, divorce, financial ruin, etc had a devastating effect . ny sense of disapproval might be interpreted as complete rejection. Later, in our adolescence, disappointments that would now seem minor felt then like our world was collapsing. Certainly, we know now that we are no longer infants or children. But because these “traumas” occurred during our most basic developmental years – when our minds were literally “looking” for patterns and associations to make sense of ourselves and our world – these fear associations can become almost instinctual and unconscious … and often fixed in time. This is where the critic(s) step in. They are trying to protect that wounded “inner child”as though we were still children and in real danger. We can assume then that the critic is a voice from the past, a voice of a young child and a “wounded” voice. So, when we do – or even consider doing – something that triggers this old association with danger (or disappointment, rejection, loss, etc.), this wounded part awakens, panics, and starts to vocalize. It will “play back” the original trauma to prevent us from re-injury. Containing and limiting the “inner critic” means working in therapy with the adult and the “child”. This is often why being harsh with your inner critic is difficult. It is part of you. A part that needs nurturing and protecting (in the right way), and most of all allowed to develop. In my next post, I will be looking at ways of siding with and befriending the critic.

Dr. Nicholas Jenner is a Counseling psychologist in private practice working with individuals,couples, groups and companies globally. Online therapy is, in my experience, effective for treating a number of major conditions. Are you having issues that you need to talk through? I have a range of plans that can help you get the help you need. Online Therapy details : Here ……

Accepting Failure and Learning from it

April 14, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.

Failure is something we all must come to terms with. Businesses and relationships fail to make it, targets are missed, and expectations dashed. However, failure and disappointment are part of the human experience and in order to achieve the goals in life we set ourselves, a healthy dose of failure is sure to be part of the process. But we don’t often allow ourselves the luxury of being able to fail in order to succeed. By thinking like this, we lose the chance to learn valuable lessons. There is a lot to be said for the thought that there are no failures in life, just successes and learning experiences. Sometimes we make mistakes and others let us down and it is important to realise that this is possible without damning ourselves. When we do, the danger is that we can revert to negative thinking patterns when we experience failure or disappointment, we attach those feelings to our general view of ourselves and we become cognitively and emotionally unhealthy. I have worked with many clients who feel that failure defines them but I always say that even if you have failed, you are not a failure as a person. However, it is easy to think this at times but understanding that failure is all part of the exciting world we live in can open up a new healthier way of looking at the world.

Accepting that Failure and Disappointment exist

We live in a world of perfectionist thinking. The world’s media bombard us with perfect images of people situations and life in general, giving the general impression that life is easy under most conditions. We are expected to be as perfect as possible in the workplace and juggle this with the perfect relationship. Even in the majority of schools, competitive sports have been pushed out of the curriculum to avoid children “failing”. In all of these scenarios, failure is seen as unacceptable, something to be avoided at all costs or only experienced by “weak” people. However, as we all know, life is difficult, and we will all need to deal with failure at one stage of our lives but there is a positive side to failure and it can hold the key to success. Failure, taken the right way can be an aid to personal development, growth and learning. In Eastern philosophies, good and bad, life and death, success and failure are given equal weight because they are part of the natural cycle of things. The problem is not the event but our reactions to them. This is in total contrast to our western view of things.

What happens when Failure happens?

Failure can trigger many different emotions and they range on a spectrum between healthy and unhealthy. The unhealthy emotions usually tend to be driven by beliefs that will make you feel stuck, hopeless and unable to move. The healthy emotions will make you feel pain and stress and cause you to reflect but will allow you to look at the failure objectively and move on and there is usually a process that needs to be worked through to get to this stage. Firstly, the unhealthy emotions can bring a numbness, denial and a feeling of disbelief, even sometimes feeling no emotion at all. All showing that failure was not factored in. Not showing any reaction to failure is also unhealthy and could show that something deeper is at work. This initial shock should last a few days at most and then the negative emotions can be felt. This is a vital experience and a natural one. It is normal to feel out of sorts and vulnerable during this stage and even at this stage, it is hard to distinguish healthy and unhealthy reactions so it important is allow feelings to come out and seek support from friends, loved ones or a professional. It is also normal to experience a limited period of irrationality as the failure is accepted and worked through. If any part of this process lingers, professional help should be sought.

Deeper feelings after Failure

1. Anxiety : Anxiety is an unhealthy response to threat or danger. After failure, there may be the fear of further failure and this can exaggerate emotions. The opposite of this is concern. Even though both are fear-based emotions, one is immobilizing and the other is realistic. Anxiety can be extremely negative for recovery and can cause feelings of hopelessness, lack of coping skills and feelings that running away is the best option. Anxiety can be tackled by facing the things that caused the anxiety in the first place and changing thinking patterns if needed.

2. Depression : Depression can occur when failure keeps us stuck in negativity and the future seems hopeless. We see the failure in the terms of loss and apply the feelings felt from the failure to ourselves and our abilities. It is easy during this phase to ruminate, dwell on past failures and an imagined future of hopelessness. Depression is the natural consequence of not dealing with anxiety and are often experienced together, maybe in the form of a vicious circle when a sufferer becomes anxious about being depressed. It is safe to say that sadness is a very appropriate feeling after failure and should not be assumed depressive. The difference is that sadness can still allow us to see the future as hopeful.

How to accept Failure

Accepting failure means accepting the very thing that makes us human: our own fallibility. No-one is perfect and despite what we sometimes think, perfection doesn’t exist. Striving for excellence and to be as good as we can exists but perfection means that nothing better is possible. Many who believe that they have reached the level when nothing can be better and on the same level as those who believe that nothing worse can happen. Life teaches us that something better or worse can always happen. Neither of these views are consistent with reality. The process of accepting failure can be looked at from three angles: Failure, failing and the individual’s role in the process. Failure is tangible. It is easy to find evidence to tell us that we have failed. We didn’t reach the target at work, the relationship ended, we still have that weight on. However, we are not so good at recognising when we are failing. We are taught to keep going, everything will be ok as long as we see it through. Only weak people give up. Persistence is a strength. We have heard it all and all heard it. However, being focussed on a goal should not mean that the option of stopping at some point and trying something else should be out of the question. That is where the individual’s role comes in. How far down this line people go is individual and the decision to quit often comes too late. If you feel that the process is failing, it is very important to ask yourself, perhaps with professional help, whether decisions have to be made.

How to deal with Failure

It is only when failure is accepted and attitudes towards it are changed, will it become a catalyst for success. When this happens, fear is reduced and creative ability comes through. Fear of failure can also be reduced by letting go of unhealthy demands concerning success or failure. In doing so, motivation can come for the right reasons, that is to want to do something rather than must do it. Letting go of the demand that you must succeed enables you to look at things in a more constructive, objective way. Look at these tips for overcoming failure and learning from the experience.

1. Be honest with yourself : This is essential if lessons are to be learnt. Blaming others, situations or conditions will not help and will reinforce dysfunctional thinking. Without accepting your role in the failure, no learning can be had.

2. Feel the emotion: It is important to realise that with any setback comes the accompanying emotions. Feeling these is human and natural and should be embraced. A period of time should be taken to feel these emotions but it is also important to keep them realistic and not catastrophise them. Once this process is over, you can move on to learning and planning.

3. Learn : Once you are in the position to do so, the setback can be reviewed and lessons constructively drawn from it. Working on the basis that no-one is perfect, it is important to continue assessing personal responsibility. What could I have done differently? Were my expectations unrealistic?

4, Plan: What do you do with the lessons learnt? What better than to develop a contingency plan to cope next time? Do you need additional skills, more help, a change in thinking? Also learn the signs that tell when action needs to be taken. Am I failing? Are we failing? What can we do? What do I need to make a decision?.

Depression : An everyday tale

February 1, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

It is an overwhelming fact that depression rates are on the rise in most corners of the globe. Globally, millions of people are living with the misery of the so-called “cancer of mental health” on a daily basis. Some have had their symptoms alleviated by medication, some have sought therapy and there are many others who live with it without getting help. Some are not even aware that they are suffering and some choose not to recognise it, for whatever reason. There are those who have adapted their lives to the extent that they see their depression as a “part” of them, have no trouble talking about it. There are others who feel stigmatized and discriminated against and hide their illness and there are those who live in fear of the consequences of their depression hoping it will not take over their lives. I recently met someone who had been suffering on and off from depression for over thirty-five years. We talked about how this had left an imprint on his life, how it affects him and how he had tried to adapt in order to lead the best life possible. He cut a despondent, resigned figure who had seemingly given up. I asked him if I could write his story….he gladly agreed and here it is :

When did you first realise you were depressed?

I often wondered why my parents were always so miserable. Now I realise that they were depressed too. I guess it would be easy to say that I inherited my depression from them but I know it is not as simple as that. When I look back, it first hit me in my teens. I was an awkward teenager, never with the “in crowd” and consequently got bullied and pushed out. I didn’t dress or act like them which didn’t help. I preferred my own company. Now I realise that I was not doing things because of my depression. I never thought that anything was wrong until I made a mistake at work and started crying when my boss criticised me.

What happened then?

Well, my boss had some previous experience of depression and took me to the GP. I was distraught to have shown such vivid emotion in front of my employer. Luckily he understood, and guided me somewhat. I thought my world was about to end. Depression and mental illness had always been a taboo subject in my family due to my grandmother being “mad” and my parents often criticised and ridiculed others who suffered. My boss took me to the GP and he prescribed antidepressants.

Were you offered other treatment, such as therapy?

No and my parents would not have allowed it. In those days, that meant being “locked up” and that would have brought shame on the family.

What was your experience with medication?

I remember at first, the days full of “zombie-like” feelings, the impression that I was in another dimension but after a while I felt better and the side-effects waned. After that it was a case of remembering to take them. After a year, I decided not to take them anymore and gradually came off them. I don’t regret that at all. I know people who have been taking them for twenty years.

Would you consider yourself still depressed ?

Most definitely. Look, it comes and goes but I am still as miserable as I was as a teenager. I still avoid things that could potentially hurt me psychologically and have really stayed in my comfort zone all my life. I read an article once that stated that some people’s depression never goes away and they should just accept that and adapt their lives accordingly. I can believe that in my case but I am not sure you can accept it or adapt to it…or if you should.

Now the big question…How has being depressed impacted your life?

Well, I would say it’s the little things that have the biggest impact. Waking up in the morning with seemingly nothing to look forward to (or so I think), the difficult interaction with other people. The constant rumination about what other people think of me, regrets and my past. Makes daily life difficult. However, the worst thing is how I think about myself as a weakling, a fragile being who is knocked back by the smallest upset. How I can’t get out of that feeling and it gets worse before it gets better. I haven’t been able to stay in a relationship and that is one of my biggest regrets. I think the worst thing is that I feel society stigmatises depression to the extent that people with it are not seen as “normal”. The health insurance companies treat you like a monster when they hear the word and employers keep you at arm’s length.

How do you see your future?

(laughing) I have a great future behind me !! Look I am resigned to the fact that I will probably suffer from this forever. I know I don’t do much to change that but we are like an old married couple who are together because the alternative is not so rosy. I know that if I am better, new challenges will come and those would be difficult to handle.

What advice would you give to other sufferers?

Well, they probably need to do the opposite to me. I was (and still am) scared of getting better. What would this new world bring? I would have to face things that would scare me to death. I would strongly recommend anyone newly diagnosed to seek help as soon as possible. Join groups, get therapy, medication, anything that can lessen the Impact. To try to survive without help is doomed to fail.

It is not too late for you..why don’t you take your own advice?

This question was never answered. He quickly made his excuses and left. The path out of depression was seemingly too hard to contemplate. Can it really be the case that someone would accept their illness because the alternative is harder to contemplate? I guess this is an issue that people often forget. Getting well can be as difficult as getting sick, brings new challenges and a new world that calls for courage to live in. I didn’t get the chance to thank him for allowing me to talk to him. It must have been painful to go over some of the issues that had been a part of him for years. Who knows? Maybe someday…

CBT in Action : A Case Study

January 29, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

CBT is based on the belief that thoughts, feelings, and behavior are inter-related and impact each other. Since thinking, feelings, and behavior are interconnected, treatment interventions that focus directly on specific thoughts, feelings, or behaviors are expected to impact other thoughts, feelings and behavior. The main goal of CBT is to regulate, modify, augment, or replace problematic thoughts, feelings, and/or actions so that problem behaviors, thoughts, or feelings are interrupted and, ultimately, replaced with more a functional thought-feeling-behavior pattern. One of the best ways to monitor this is with the Daily Mood Sheet. This is used to log feelings, emotions and behavior caused by a triggering event and then gives the client the chance to look at the situation in a more realistic light. Constant logging of these situations will give a firm indication of thought patterns that have lead to dysfunction. They can be used as an integral part of the therapeutic process. More on this HERE.

I often use the sheets with clients as an aid in therapy. They often find it hard to keep the log and especially to look at the situation more realistically but perseverance is the key. Those who do tend to be able to change their thought patterns over time, be able to assess when dysfunctional though patterns have an impact and are able to separate the feelings produced from their general feeling about themselves. One such case is highlighted below. The client concerned found the sheets helpful to recognise where her thought patterns were coming from.

Case Study : Patient Jodie (name changed)
Jodie was a patient of mine from June 2011 to July 2012. She contacted me initially because she “didn’t have a minute of one day when she didn’t feel depressed”. Jodie is an IT professional attached to the US military and was stationed in Germany until just recently. Apart from her depression, she was obese, had various medical problems and was on constant medication. She has given her full consent for a part of our counseling transaction to be included here.

1. Background

Jodie came from humble roots growing up in a military family in the US with two siblings. Her mother was a neurotic who spent most of Jodie’s early life in some form of institution, leaving Jodie’s primary care to her older sister. Her father was a soldier who was often posted abroad, taking the family with him. The parents had strong religious views and were highly influenced by the “fire and brimstone” style of preaching seen in the Bible Belt at that time. For this reason, out of marriage relationships and sex were seen as the devil’s work. During our sessions, Jodie revealed that she, at the age of 42, had never even come close to a sexual experience. All of these factors contributed to Jodie’s view of herself and the world around her causing unhappiness and depression. However, a breakthrough in therapy revealed a complicated relationship between Jodie and her older sister who was apparently jealous of her younger sibling and so behaved in such a way that forced Jodie to feel inferior and subversive. The relationship turned into a love-hate roller coaster that played out over several decades. Jodie’s whole experience of being “molded” by her sister to believe that she was “no good” had created her window of reference on the world and ultimately her depression. One of the side effects of this was a severe lack of assertiveness and in her words “constant cowering down and meekness”

This had affected her in all aspects of her life and none more so than at work where she was one of a few women working in a mostly male environment. The following excerpt from one of our counseling sessions highlights a situation following conflict at work. Jodie highlighted this on her daily sheets and wanted to discuss this. We had been looking at this problem for some time using behavioral experiments and goal setting to help her deal with the situation more effectively.

2. Presenting problem

Jodie had once told me that one of the biggest issues in her life was the lack of assertiveness that she showed whenever she felt conflict was about to happen. While this happened in all aspects of her life, it was especially bad at work where she felt dominated and subversive. We had often linked this back to her experiences growing up and behavioral trials had been unsuccessful for Jodie. She had been filling in daily sheets for some time and had highlighted one situation that had caused her to fall into deep depression afterwards. It had occurred when her boss, just in from the US greeted everyone in the office apart from Jodie. This was later (two weeks) rectified and Jodie realized that is was just an oversight on his part. However, before this happened her mind had come up with many different reasons for this and together with a number of triggers resulted in her believing that he had done it on purpose because he either disliked her or she had done something wrong. She was severely agitated upon arrival and appeared to have been crying.

3.. Final Evaluation

Jodie was in a state that called for a clear head and thought. She is the type of person who had been known to withdraw from others when things got too much for her so I was happy that she appeared for the session. She was unusually agitated and somewhat aggressive and accusatory, something I was not used to from her. This session turned out to be the catalyst for what I consider a successful end to therapy. Jodie in a recent communication with me cited the CBT techniques learnt in our sessions as the major reason for her change in mindset. I would evaluate the session in the following way :

Jodie filled in the sheets even though she couldn’t find a rational response at the time. She later stated that thought the sheets helped her focus on the issue at hand.
I was happy with the way I guided Jodie through the session, setting an atmosphere that facilitated conversation and relaxation.
The use of CBT tools ( sheets, questioning and probing) and a Rogerian style of dealing with the client were present and effective.
I used the good therapeutic relationship between us to give Jodie the basis for expanding on her problem.

The following is a transcript of part of the session :.

Therapist	Client	Evaluation
Please come on in. You look rather like you could do with some tea..would you like some?	Oh, yes please, that is very kind of you.	I was trying to set a relaxed atmosphere. She was in a clear state of anxiety and this was needed to coax her into talking.
You told me on the phone that you have been depressed about something that happened at work. I am sorry you have had a bad week but can you give me some more details?	Well…I am going to quit the damn job and to hell with it!	This was a reaction I was not expecting and through me off guard for a second. My usual prompts for information were usually met with a more open response. I guessed if she was being direct then I can prompt further.
I understand that you have had a bad week but please tell what is going through your mind at the moment.	Well, my damn boss came into the office, said hello to everyone except me and left. What do you think is going through my mind at the moment? If you can’t understand that then I am leaving!	This showed the severity of the problem. This was the first time she had reacted in such a way.
I can see you are very upset but let’s try and see if we can talk through the issue and see if we can find another way of looking at it..would that be ok?	What is there to look at ?..I know what happened but go ahead..we still have 45 minutes.	This was a sign for me that that she was ready to look at the issue from another angle so I decided to bring in one of the CBT tools we had been working with.
Let’s start with your sheet entry..can you tell me what you wrote?	Ok..boss ignored me..emotions..angry, worried, embarrassed. Thoughts…I am going to be fired…how will I support myself..he always give me the cold shoulder..how did that look in front of my colleagues. Rational response..none	This helped to focus the situation on the issue and not the emotion. My aim now was to help her seek evidence to the contrary.
OK..Jodie that was obviously an experience that triggered some reactions..can you remember what we said about triggers a few sessions ago in terms of ABC ?	Yes..and I tried to apply that but it just didn’t work.	I thought it was good to revisit and consolidate part of the ABC model here.
Ok..well I understand you may have been a bit overwhelmed by all of the reaction to the event so let’s try and break down the reactions one by one, ok?	I think that would help. It has been a difficult week.	This was the first sign that Jodie was willing to open up.
Good..take your time with answering and if anything is too much, we can look at it later..is that ok? Let’s look at your first statement…I am going to get fired..do you know this to be 100% true and how do you know this?	Well..it is clear…I am the one to go. Nobody told me this but from his actions, I can tell.	I was trying here to establish links between events and dysfunctional thinking
Interesting..so there is no real evidence that you will be fired?	I told you, damn it..it is clear. Are you calling me stupid?
Of course not…but I just want to look at the comment you just made…nobody has told me this.	It is my impression.	Here was a good chance to introduce signs of evidence to the contrary.
But are there signs that you will be kept on?	Well, I did get a good performance rating and my boss did say I am a valuable member of staff.
So looking at it realistically, could there be another reason he didn’t say hello?	Maybe he just didn’t see me.

Co-Dependency: Steps to Recovery with a Therapist.

January 23, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

The term “Steps to Recovery” is perhaps a bit misleading. There are no guarantees in the process and a lot of things must come together at once. At the heart of this process is a willingness to work on oneself and to accept that co-dependency is an issue in relationships. This means accepting responsibility for change and not passing that responsibility (or blame) onto others. It takes courage to look at and assess early life experiences and learn new skills that will help deal with early trauma or abuse. It also takes a willingness to look critically at relationships, some of which may have been adding to the problem, and to put these relationships on a new footing. It is also vitally important to find a therapist who understands that he or she may also have or have had issues with co-dependency and has recognised and worked on these issues. When these factors are accepted, the following would be the framework for work in therapy that could lead to recovery :

1. See the Patterns : A factor in early trauma and abuse is the use of defense mechanisms in order to survive. One of these is a denial that things that have attributed to co-dependency actually took place. It may have been the case that to keep up appearances or to make things easier for parents, a child is encouraged to ignore or subdue feelings or opinions. At worst, children are taught to deny feelings or that is wrong to show them. As co-dependency is generally seen as a feeling disorder, this can have a devastating impact on relationships and growth generally. Many adults also believe that co-dependent behavior is “normal” to act this way is just the same as everyone else. Many believe the relationships they are in are strong and are surprised to learn that they are not and in fact, they are toxic and draining. Understanding the complex issues involved is the first step and this often comes out when therapy is sought for other reasons . More on co-dependency symptoms HERE

2. Get a sense of Understanding : While there are many theories about the causes of co-dependency, it is most likely to be the caused by developmental trauma and growing up in dysfunctional surroundings. Under these conditions, bonding does not take place effectively during the first few months of life. Other theories base findings on genetics and the link to substance abusers. Part of any therapeutic work would be to look at and assess early life experiences and influences and to understand how These have shaped development.

3. Look at relationships : Once that sense of understanding that co-dependency is caused by trauma that prevents effective relationship building, present relationships can be analyzed for co-dependent patterns. As mentioned in my last post, when full bonding does not take place, there is an incomplete “inner child” who has never finished the separation process from caregivers. Work in therapy gives new skills and tools which can complete this process. This means putting relationships on a new footing which could also mean some relationships become less or more important.

4. Explore the Triggers : A trigger is a reaction to stimuli that reminds us of another situation. This can be positive, for example…a warm summer day can trigger memories of carefree childhood Holidays. However, it can also be a process that evokes negative feelings and the emotions and behavior that accompanied them. This often happens on a subconscious level and leads to automatic thoughts and reactions. One of the less desirable traits in co-dependency is the need to protect ourselves from people who display characteristics that we do not like in ourselves. Anger and insult is often triggered and blame and judgment follow. This is part of the denial process mentioned earlier and can lead to a “twist”in reality where we label others and have a need to be ”right” and “good”. Unfortunately, this means someone else must be ”wrong” or “bad”. These projections can be confronted and challenged gently in therapy.

5. The issue of Self-Hate : A major factor in developmental trauma is the lack of bonding and subsequent lack of separation from a mother or family. In a sense of denial, this separation may take place in another way by labelling family “bad” or “wrong”, usually sending the message to Self that it is also “bad” or “wrong”. The second step in denial is that these feelings are then labelled as “bad” and they can control your life , relationships and destroy self-esteem. These are purely projections based on an incomplete separation process. If the understanding is that these are due to a lack of self-esteem, they can be corrected. A process will take place over time where material and external stimulus is not needed as much as the Self starts to recover.

6. Become Assertive : Many people who are co-dependent are either over demanding and controlling or to the extreme, subversive and the eternal “doormat”. This has developed from a distorted view of relationships, the boundaries in relationships and what is acceptable. Being assertive means asking for what you want without aggression and giving without resentment. Part of this process is also the ability to say “no” without guilt or fear of repercussion. As self-esteem builds, this process becomes easier.

7. Learn to Feel Again : The ability to show feelings and later learn what is appropriate is often taken away from children. Parents scorn at children who show emotion and anger. This gives the message that anger and other feelings must be justified before showing them. However, it sends the clear message that emotion and feelings generally are wrong. As an adult it is important to be able to recognise and express those feelings that were denied as a child. Only then can a new learning process take place. The paradox is that co-dependent people often show anger in relationships, even though this was denied them as children. It is, however, often inappropriate anger based on triggers and automatic thoughts. In therapy, These factors would be assessed and realistically challenged.

8. The Inner Child: When a child who grows up in a dysfunctional ,co-dependent household, he or she is taught to please others rather than pleasing themselves. This causes a child to create a False Self rather than a True Self. Part of the True Self is an innocent inner child that is not fully developed. This could be for various reasons : bullying, abuse, and a range of other issues. A child will often hide this trauma from the world and consequently from its True Self, leaving the inner child undeveloped. Reconnecting with and healing the inner child is an essential part of therapy.

9. Define Boundaries : Everyone has a psychological space that includes thoughts, feelings and behavior that belongs solely to him or her. People with co-dependent issues have had their psychological space invaded so often as children that they that they are no longer aware of this space or when it is violated. Part of the therapeutic process of recovery would be to define and maintain these boundaries anew.

10. Relearn or learn how to be Intimate : Though there is often a desire for intimacy in co-dependency, this is often feared. The fear is one of control, abandonment, hurt or to be engulfed by those they are intimate with. This is down to the incomplete bonding process and the mistrust of relationships. Work with a therapist can provide the security, unconditional regard and support needed to bond safely with others.

The most important part of the above process is to find a therapist who has taken his or her own journey to interdependency and understands the steps needed. It is always prudent to ask a therapist about his or own co-dependent issues and how they were handled. It the therapist finds this request strange or is not prepared to answer, then maybe another therapist should be found. If this journey is to be taken, it needs to be done with someone who knows the way.

When Co-dependency becomes Counter-dependency.

January 14, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

Dr. Nicholas Jenner is a Counseling psychologist in private practice working with individuals,couples, groups and companies globally. Online therapy is, in my experience, effective for treating a number of major conditions. Are you having issues that you need to talk through? I have a range of plans that can help you get the help you need. Online Therapy details : Here …… Take advantage of the “online therapy” tester. Try the first three sessions for free. Contact me for more details.

I once read that up to 98 % of the global population is co-dependent to some extent but a figure much lower than that actually realise it and very few know how to do something about it. Many therapists and doctors treat it as a disease that one has to endure, be stuck with or take medication for. All of which is usually not too helpful. Codependency is learned behavior and as such can be unlearned with the help of the right therapist. A therapist who must understand what it is and also understands his own codependency issues. Left to fester, codependency can turn into counter-dependency, rather like cutting off your nose to spite your face. More on that later.

What is Co-dependency ?

Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members or people of influence who display this type of behavior. It can affect a parent, spouse, child, co-worker who has grown up in some form of dysfunction. This could be from the affects of abuse, addiction, seperation or divorce. Even people who have grown up in a relatively stable environment can be affected by parents overworking or not spending time generally with children, giving the subtle message, ” I am not ok” There are generally thought to be three types of codependents :

1. Caretakers: relate to others primarily through roles that put them in a position of the giver, helper, supporter, nurturer, etc. “Everyone’s needs are more important than my own.”

2. Romance/relationship addiction: must be in a “relationship” and be “special” to someone in order to be OK with oneself; may use caretaking and sexuality to gain approval/acceptance; goes from relationship to relationship. “You’re no one unless someone loves you.”

3. Messiah complex: savior of the family, church, world; over-responsible, doesn’t ask for help, tries to make self indispensable. “If I don’t do it. it won’t get done.

The general symptoms of codependency include :

1. External-referenced on other person or people.

2. Tries to control behavior of others through approval-seeking and people-pleasing behavior.

3. Experiences intimacy by discounting own feelings, and empathizing with feelings of others.

4. Loss of healthy boundaries, generally resulting from doing things for others that violate one’s values, and from accepting unacceptable behavior from others.

5. Frozen feelings, numbness with regard to one’s own feelings. Depression may also result from repressed anger.

6. Low self-esteem. Self is valued according to others’ opinions. Uses martyr, victim, and messiah role to bolster self-esteem.

7. Generalized anxiety, related to lack of control of one’s life.

8. Mental preoccupation. Racing thoughts. Inability to enjoy mental silence and serenity.

9. Lack of assertiveness.: inability to ask directly for one’s true needs. Inability to confront unhealthy behavior in others.

10. Narcissism. In the absence of healthy, legitimate boundaries, others are seen as for or against self.

As co-dependency is an umbrella term for a range of issues that can result from the affliction, there are many forms of treatment. In counseling, a therapist would work on the loss of Self, setting healthy boundaries, assertiveness training and tools to increase self-esteem. Some would even see family therapy as relevant and for those who have sought solace in an addiction of some sort, work on this. Robert Subby summarizes codependency best. He has written and lectured extensively on mental health and addiction and observes that “Codependency is an emotional, behavioral, and psychological pattern of coping which develops as a result of prolonged exposure to and practice of a dysfunctional set of family rules. In turn, these rules make difficult or impossible the open expression of thoughts and feelings. Normal identity development is thereby interrupted; codependency is the reflection of a delayed identity development.” In order to make healthy changes for yourself, one must be ready to take action against his/her current behaviors. In addition, the person will need a strong support system in which many different people, well-read on codependency, make themselves available as points of contact to the codependent person. He believes that “long-term remediation of codependency requires the identification of dysfunctional coping strategies that have persisted from childhood, as well as the recognition and acceptance of healthier choices”.

From Co to Counter

Left untreated, co-dependency can ruin relationships. There is a danger that when things do come to a head or as another form of coping, counter-dependency can result. In a relationship, there is often one co-dependent and one counter dependent person. Counter-dependency is the opposite side of the coin. Symptoms include emotional aloofness, inflated sense of self-esteem, blaming of others, is a people controller and victimizes before being victimized. Sufferers tend to have been abused as children where co-dependency is usually a result of neglect. Many co-dependents in their need to please see the symptoms of counter-dependency as a potential cure for them and many couples reverse these roles in the life of a relationship. People with counter-dependent behaviors often struggle with creating appropriate boundaries. Their need for protection while growing up was so strong that they had to create walls instead….counter-dependent individuals are often less in touch with their feelings. When clients with counter-dependency issues begin therapy, I start by supporting their need to maintain rigid boundaries. This approach, which looks at what is right about their behavior, is important for two reasons. First, it supports their need to look good and reduces the anxiety they typically have, when entering therapy, that they will be judged or found lacking in some way. Second, it helps develop safety in the client-therapist relationship so that they can slowly remove the mask of the inflated False Self. Gradually, they feel safe enough to reveal their wounded inner child. Reframing the problem is especially important for people with counter-dependency issues, because, like most clients, they expect the therapist to take the “critical parent” role and tell them what they are doing wrong and how bad they are

“Put that baby in the fire NOW” ….my wife demanded!!!

January 6, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

No…not some black magic ritual but part of a dream I had recently. The dream went as follows : I was carrying a baby that had apparently died and cremation on an open fire was part of a burial ritual in the culture we lived in. The trouble was that I didn’t think the baby was dead, just sleeping or hanging onto life so I refused to carry out the ritual causing my wife to be angry. She then demanded that the ritual took place. I finally agreed but pulled the baby from the fire at the last moment claiming that it was badly burnt but still alive. At this moment, I awoke, distressed and immediately went to my son’s cot, half asleep to check on him. Everything was fine, of course…I hadn’t had a premonition. Thinking about the dream the morning after, I realised the significance of the dream and why it had come at this time. Death in a dream generally means that a part of you is dying, be it a belief, a long-held thought pattern or a habit. I realised that this dream signifies my final recovery from the accident that I had two years ago that left me with various phobias and fears. My wife has been gently encouraging me lately to take that next step (with some resistance). I really feel this dream is a real pointer to upcoming events.

When we are under stress, anxious or worried, sleep is one of the first things to be affected and many complain of broken sleep or the inability to fallasleep. When trauma has occurred in our lives, we are sometimes afraid of sleep, conscious of the nightmares and flashbacks that could follow. However, it is universally recognised that obtaining sleep, and good sleep, is essential for strong physical and mental health. As a therapist, I am very interested in a client’s sleep patterns as they can give a good sign of troubled times (or not). I also believe that what we do when asleep is an equally important source of information, that is the analysis of dreams. The interpretation of dreams in psychology was first pioneered by Freud himself. He believed that dreams are the window to the subconscious. He famously quoted in his work The Interpretation of Dreams (the definitive text was published in 1955), “The interpretation of dreams is the royal road to knowledge of the unconscious activities of the mind” , something that I truly adhere to.

There are people, of course, who believe that dreams hold no particular value and are just a re-run of recent events in our lives, much like when we would watch a film we have shot on a camcorder, that they are just a repository for information received through the senses or are some kind of “white noise”, similar to that hum give off by electrical equipment. On many levels, this could well be true. Our brains need to find an efficient way of filtering and storing valuable information, ready for the next day’s onslaught of even more. We can liken this to spring cleaning in the sense that some things are used and some things stored away for the future. The question is, what happens to the stored information? It is stored in the subconscious just as we store household things away in the attic. When this is added to the existing information present there from the influences. belief systems and experiences gained as we grow older, we have a melting pot of information that goes to making up the vast, murky, mostly uncharted place we call the subconscious. If we see the brain as some form of large computer that is continually fed during waking hours, we could imagine that dreams perform two functions : the correct sorting and processing of information and the presentation of new ideas needed for the dreamer to fully function. To do this. it gets most of its input from our subconscious mind during our sleeping hours as this is the only time that we do not place limitations on our conscious mind, allowing elements of the subconscious to come through. This process is often associated with nightmares but can also be on a more positive note. There have been many recollections of solutions to problems being found while dreaming or in deep sleep.

Nightmares and Flashbacks

When we have a nightmare or flashback to a traumatic event, we are showing a depth of emotion rarely experienced in waking mode. Nightmares are usually associated with our psychological reaction to fight or flight, yet we rarely get to this point and huge relief is felt when we wake and realise that it was not real. Nightmares tend to arise from six sources.

1. Childhood memories of intense emotions associated with loss ( or birth trauma)

2. Childhood fears and anxiety, especially in the case of dysfunctional attachment to parents.

3. PTSD where basic survival is threatened, even when the traumatic event is long past.

4. A fear of the unknown which could have been absorbed as a child. Yet again, the need for basic survival.

5. Serious illness with the natural fear of death.

6. A sense of foreboding of doom to come. This is a concept not fully understood as yet but what seems true is that humans have an innate cognitive ability to predict future events while sleeping.

People who have nightmares are more likely to suffer recurring dreams in the same situation, with the same emotions but participants disguised and often invisible. In these cases, analysis of dreams in therapy is extremely helpful to break habitual responses and change attitudes and anxiety. The analysis of dreams in therapy is not advocated by all therapists and this depends mostly on point of view and personal opinion. I, for one, believe we need to use everything at our disposal to help the client understand and ultimately recover health. Dreams, in my opinion, serve a number of purposes but not least by showing us that we are attempting to achieve a goal that is , at present unattainable, telling us that we need to focus on how we handle emotions such as anger, fear, jealousy or pain or such issues as spirituality and sexuality. Though this is not an exact science and interpretations can be wrong but a simple breakdown of the dream can glean valuable information concerning the conscious and subconscious thought patterns of the dreamer. Initially, the situation or the environment that the dream took place in is significant. A good example is a school: a learning environment. Then the emotions being felt in that situation gives an understanding of the dream framework, just as a theater group sets up a stage for a play. The important part is then to decipher various symbols and sub-plots that occur and the participants involved. We should also realise that a dream can relate to various themes going on in our lives and a simple explanation is often not enough to truly reveal the secrets involved.

Dr. Nicholas Jenner is a Counseling psychologist in private practice working with individuals,couples, groups and companies globally. Online therapy is, in my experience, effective for treating a number of major conditions. Are you having issues that you need to talk through? I have a range of plans that can help you get the help you need. Online Therapy details : Here …… Take advantage of the “online therapy” tester. Try the first three sessions for free. Contact me for more details.

A lack of self esteem can ruin even the most successful life.

December 5, 2012 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

Online therapy is, in my experience, effective for treating a number of major conditions. Are you having issues that you need to talk through? I have a range of plans that can help you get the help you need. Online Therapy details : Here

When I look at my client base, I notice that I have a range of different personalities, issues and outlooks on life but one thing they all seem to have in common is a lack of self-esteem. There are some very succesful People here who beat themselves up over the smallest setback, refusing to leave their perfectionist thinking and ruining what could be a fruitful life in the process. Many of them have a strong inner critic that wraps itself around them, reminding them of their failures and defects.

Everyone has an inner critic. Our self-esteem and self-image are developed by how we talk to ourselves. All of us have conscious and unconscious memories of all the times we felt bad or wrong – they are part of the unavoidable scars of childhood. This is where the inner critical voice gets started. We also have an inner voice that has our best interest at heart. Listen to the good inner voice. How we respond to our good inner voice determines how we feel. When we don’t listen we feel bad. When we follow its lead with faith that it is guiding us towards what is best for us, we feel good.

How do you stop your inner critic? Before you can disarm the critic, you have to know him. Secrecy is his greatest strength. So if you can get really good at hearing and identifying his voice, you will have won a major victory. Remember that every time the critic attacks he is doing you real psychological harm. He is further wounding your sense of worth and making it harder to feel competent and happy in the world. You can’t afford what he is doing to you. It’s costing you too much.

Analyze your critical thoughts. As you analyze your critical thoughts, determine what they help you feel or help you avoid feeling; you’ll begin to see a pattern to the attacks. One person may find his critic’s primary function is to help him atone for guilt. Someone else may experience a critic whose main effort is to provide achievement motivation. Another person’s critic may help desensitize her to the fear of rejection. Or a critic may harangue you to stay on the straight and narrow path. When you become aware of the theme or themes your critic uses, you are ready to fight back.

Some of the times to catch your inner critic are: when you are feeling depressed or down on yourself, meeting strangers, contact with people you find sexually attractive, situations in which you have made a mistake, situations in which you feel criticized and defensive, situations in which you feel hurt or someone has been angry at you, and conversations with parents or anyone who might be disapproving.

Disarming the critic involves three steps: (1) unmasking his purpose, (2) talking back, and (3) making him useless.

There are few things more effective for winning arguments than to suddenly unmask your opponent’s ulterior motives. A classic example is tobacco company “research” that finds no link between cigarette smoking and heart disease. Since the ulterior motives of the tobacco industry are clear, few people take their arguments seriously. Getting clear about the critic’s function makes everything he says less believable. You know his ulterior motive. No matter how he rants and raves, you’ve exposed his secret agenda and therefore feel less vulnerable to him. Remember that the critic attacks you because his voice is in some way being reinforced. When you are able to identify the role your critic plays in your psychological life, when you are able to call his game, you are beginning to seriously undermine the credibility of his message.

People with very low self-esteem have a more vicious and demoralizing inner critic. Low self-esteem robs you of your confidence. You no longer trust your ability to cope or make decisions. Risks stop being challenging; they’re scary. Since you can’t live up to your own critical voice, you’re also often critical of others. There are several things you can do to diminish your negative inner critic. Research indicates that to change behavior, it is more effective to stop telling yourself negative things than to just tell yourself positive things. It’s not so much the power of positive thinking as it is the power of non-negative thinking. So how do you stop telling yourself negative things? Read and try the following:

1.Hear your inner critic. Catch him in the act. You can’t change anything you don’t know is there. If you’re not paying attention to it, you’re actually reinforcing it. Once you hear your inner critic and know your vulnerable times you can then learn how to “turn off” and disarm it..

2. Talk back and get angry at the inner critic: Here are some examples of how to talk back:

This is poison. Stop it!
These are lies.
These are lies my father told me.
No more put-downs.
Shut up!
Get off my back!
Stop this garbage!

Note: Choose a short statement that helps you feel angry. It’s good to get mad. (use profanity if you feel like it) Mentally scream at the critic so that you can drown him out with your anger and indignation.

3. Try thought stoppage: Tell the critic to stop. Stop ruminating. Get up, move, get a drink of water.

4. Use attention shift: Look outside. Look at people around you. Look at any object nearby and study it intently. Turn worry over to higher power

5. Then tidy up: Put the worry in a shoe box on the top shelf of the closet in your mind and pack it away. Schedule time to worry. Write worries down and schedule time to think them over. When repetitive thoughts occur again say STOP I’ll worry about this at (name a specific time.)

6. Now ask the price: What price have I paid to listen to the critical voice? Make a list of the ways the critic has hurt you in relationships, work and self-esteem. The price may be external or internal.

Now you must replace the inner critic with your positive voice. Use a self compliment or a pre-selected affirmation.

If none of the above works for you try putting a rubber band around your wrist and snap it each time your inner critic speaks. Mentally scream “Stop it!” while snapping the rubber band. The sharp stinging sensation breaks the chain of negative thoughts and acts as a punisher so that the critic is less likely to attack in the near future. The important thing is to catch the critic just as he starts. It takes about 21 days to change a habit. Be consistent with this behavior and you will have more love in your life starting with yourself.

Dr. Nicholas Jenner is a Counseling psychologist in private practice working with individuals, couples, groups and companies. Apart from seeing clients face-to-face, Dr Jenner also runs a thriving online therapy business bringing help to those who are housebound or located in rural locations where therapy is difficult to find.

Marriage is a funny concept!!

November 2, 2012 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

This morning I read an article that highlighted the fact that globally, there are more middle-aged people living alone than at any other time since records began and the number is on an upward curve. Some of the people interviewed stated they had never been married and chose a single life, for whatever reason, but the vast majority were alone due to a marriage breaking down. There has always been divorce and separation and it is easy to say that things were better “back in the day” but it does seem that in our modern world, it seems extremely difficult to keep a marriage going. My work as a therapist reflects this in the fact that couples therapy is becoming more and more a part of my daily work and while it is wrong to generalise, there tends to be a red thread that runs very much through the problem areas couples face, especially when children are involved. It can easily lead one to the conclusion that those who choose to live alone know something that has escaped the mind of the rest of us and poses the question…what is marriage in this day and age? What is it that people want from it and why does it so often go horribly wrong?

A good marriage with someone we truly love is generally the fairytale that is sold to us by society, sometimes parents and definitely religion. We are all expected to go on to develop along certain tried and trusted paths which includes marriage. Many are totally unprepared (especially if they marry young) for the immense amount of hard work that goes into keeping the thing going…almost the same amount of effort that is needed to keep a business afloat and running viably. The shock that comes when two suddenly become one means that life will never be the same again. As official divorce rates suggest, over 50% of these unions fail to make it. Many marriages are broken through financial pressure or infidelity or one or both partners wanting something new but many never get to this stage and stay together even though little seems to keep them tied to each other. These marriages seem to be the ultimate in convenience, two people afraid of making the changes that need to be made and resigned to living in a loveless union “for the sake of the kids” or some other excuse. These are usually the type of couples who end up on my couch and I make it extremely clear early on that my job is not to keep them together under any circumstances but to help them get to a point where they can make a decision to either improve the marriage or potentially end it.

Many of the same problems exist in marriages of most of the couples I see and many of them are unaware that such negative habits have crept into their marriage. Some have spoken openly with each other for the first time in a long time when they come for the first session leading to a huge amount of surprise from both partners about some of the statements made. While we can all think of potential problems that can wreck a marriage…the common spectrum is not so wide, in my experience.

Taking a partner for granted : This is probably the number one reason why marriages fall flat. The marriage becomes routine, stale and lacks any kind of excitement. Thinking that your partner will always be there leads to a notion that nothing has to be done to make that happen…complacency on one side, resentment on the other. This is usually never spoken about for fear of “rocking the boat”. It is clear that sometimes the parallel lines that hold partners together get blurred when such events as children arriving happen but some couples have difficulty finding each other again.

The Emotional Bank Account : A marriage needs to be worked on similar to the effort needed to run a business. The idea of the emotional bank account was one that I read while reading works from Stephen Covey. He suggested that if you continually withdraw from the bank account without depositing, then bankruptcy will follow. The concept is great…put as much into the marriage as you expect to take out. Something that is often out of balance.

Assumptions, Assumptions! : We as humans have never mastered the art of mind-reading but the practice is alive and well in a lot of marriages. Assuming what a partner is thinking or how they are likely to react without evidence is a very common problem. The subsequent behavior that follows is always based on a false impression. As I said earlier, many couples are surprised when they find out that these impressions and assumptions are wrong.

Competition..win. lose, lose win : There are those couples around who tend to be in competition with each other continually for the honor of being right. That clearly means that someone in their eyes has to be wrong. They keep going until this happens …pushing and probing until effective communication is impossible in the race to see who gets the finish line first. On the other hand, there are couples where one is dominant and the other is the proverbial “doormat” giving in to keep the peace. The idea of win-win here is a concept that is alien for these couples.

Selfishness : There needs to be fairness in the distribution of work and responsibility within the relationship. This willingness to extend oneself also pertains to meeting emotional needs. Placing one’s desires consistently ahead of a partner’s emotional needs and responding only when it is a matter of convenience, demand or negotiations leaves a spouse feeling unloved.

Leading separate lives.: Relationships also suffer when couples don’t mesh their lives through shared activities, recreational companionship or spending enough time together. Living too independently from each other takes away connection and joy from the relationship. Couples need to function as a team when it comes to parenting, managing a household, sharing finances, and relating to relatives. They need to consult with each other about important decisions and coordinate their schedules. Time needs to be set aside to enjoy conversation, adventures, common interests, vacations and fun. Time spent together should be anticipated with pleasure. Without this component, couples drift apart and have little in common.

Dishonesty, laziness and other character defects : Basic trust and respect underlie love and form the basis of relationships. Lies, deceit, disloyalty, secret habits, or emotional dishonesty about thoughts or feelings destroy trust and respect. Spouses who willingly do not take or follow through with their personal responsibilities unfairly shift those burdens to their partner. Marriage is a partnership between equals, not a parent/child relationship.

It is a known fact that most couples who have “good” marriages just know how to deal with marital problems effectively, and they make an effort to keep their relationship alive. All of the problems mentioned above can be solved leading even the most sceptical and “difficult” of cases to a revival of what brought them together in the first place. It is often as simple as that…more time, more understanding, more communication, more focus. Two willing partners will manage this and more.

Is every man a potential rapist? Trigger Warning : This article discusses rape issues. If you feel uncomfortable reading about this…please do not go further.

October 24, 2012 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

Just recently, I have been disturbed by the number of cases of rape that have been reported in the media. Young, sometimes very young, women being kidnapped, raped and murdered. This is, of course, not a recent problem and we have to take into account that the press periodically become obsessed with one type of story or another. That said, rape is a serious global problem and many theories exist about what turns someone into a rapist.

There is a school of thought which believes that every man is a potential rapist. First off, I want to clarify that the statement “every man is a potential rapist” or “all men are potential rapists” is not the same thing as “every man is a rapist.” It doesn’t mean that every man would rape if given the chance nor that every man wants to rape. What the phrase means is that since rapists do not wear easy to identify signs to show they are rapists, it is in a woman’s best interest to be cautious. It means that even those people a woman has accepted into her circle of trust can be the very person who rapes her. That is the tragedy here. Let us not accuse every man of being anti social and immoral ( let us also not forget that many men are raped too) But the fact is that rapists roam around in every size, age, shape and color. He may be sitting in the same row in the class room or the movie theater and may be scheming to violate someone later in the evening. He may be in the queue waiting patiently to be attended. Or he maybe the guy who asks the time at the bus stop.

Rape has a very long-lasting psychological impact on a woman of any age . When some men rape, and when 80% of those who are raped know the man who attacked them, it becomes virtually impossible to distinguish men who are safe from men who are dangerous, men who can be trusted from men who can’t, men who will rape from men who won’t. The result is a society with its guard up, where relationships with men are approached with fear and mistrust, where intimacy is limited by the constant threat of violence, and where all men are labeled “potential rapists.” The good news is that men, by and large, have a rape switch meaning basically that although men are capable of rape, most men are enculturated in a way that reduces rape, and in some societies it is probably true that most violent rape is carried out by individuals who are reasonably labeled as pathological but this is not always the case. There are psychological boundaries that many men never cross but take those boundaries away and it changes everything. A good example of this is what happens in theatres of war where rape has become a weapon. Rape is easier to justify in the minds of rapists in this situation as boundaries generally are lower. Soldiers are trained to kill the enemy. Put in context, rape seems to be the “lighter” crime. Could this same concept apply to a man who sees the opportunity to overpower a woman and rape her? Rape is a choice men make to use sex as a weapon for power and control. For rape to stop, men who are violent, must be empowered to make different choices. All men can play a vital role in this process by challenging rape supporting attitudes and behaviors and raising awareness about the damaging impact of sexual violence. Every time a man’s voice joins those of women in speaking out against rape, the world becomes safer.

Why Men Rape

A study by Cohen and Seghorn on 800 male sex offenders in the US found the ‘relative absence of even the most basic social values and/or social skills in them.’ The researchers suggested four classifications of rapists, a classification which has been supported by earlier as well later research. The classifications are:

Displaced aggression: Here the rape almost always follows some unpleasant event involving a wife, girl-friend or mother and the rapist uses rape as an outlet for his anger. In these cases the rape is used to physically harm the victim, who is usually a stranger.
Impulse: Here the act of rape is based on impulse and is not motivated by sexual hunger or feelings. For example it can be carried out during a robbery.
Sex aggression diffusion: Here the aggressive and sexual components coexist and the rapist is aroused by aggressive thoughts. He sees the victim’s struggle as seductive and even believes that women like to be raped.
Compensation: Sex is the key component and if the victim struggles or tries to escape, the would-be offender flees. The recurrent fantasy of these rapists is that the victim will yield. These offenders are passive. These rapes are mostly pre-planned.

Another classification (by Kopp) after a study of 100 rapists revealed a high incidence of anti-social or psychopathic personalities amongst rapists. A rapist is often a cold, seemingly unfeeling man who has always taken what he wanted from others without concern for their feelings. This type constitutes the largest percentage of all rapists. Whether spoilt brat or a person living on the edge, the personality type is similar. They want something and they don’t care whom they hurt to get it.

Attitudes towards Rape

More than half of Britons believe some rape victims should take responsibility for being attacked, research has suggested . In a new poll, 56 per cent of those questioned felt that there were certain circumstances where the victim should be held partly accountable. Of those, 28 per cent thought people who wore revealing clothes should take some of the blame if they were sexually assaulted. Among women, 23 per cent said if someone danced provocatively at a nightclub they should be held partly responsible, and 15 per cent said the same if they had accepted a drink from their attacker. The research, called Wake Up To Rape, was carried out to mark the 10th anniversary of the Havens, which runs sexual assault referral centres in London. Dr Jan Welch, clinical director at the Haven in Camberwell, south-east London, said: “Unfortunately, women have bought into the idea that sometimes the rape victim is to blame. Under no circumstances is a woman at fault for being raped. “Coping with the emotional trauma of rape or sexual assault is made even harder when the victim is made to feel responsible for what’s happened.”

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The Inner Critic comes in all forms

Accepting Failure and Learning from it

Depression : An everyday tale

CBT in Action : A Case Study

Co-Dependency: Steps to Recovery with a Therapist.

When Co-dependency becomes Counter-dependency.

“Put that baby in the fire NOW” ….my wife demanded!!!

A lack of self esteem can ruin even the most successful life.

Marriage is a funny concept!!

Is every man a potential rapist? Trigger Warning : This article discusses rape issues. If you feel uncomfortable reading about this…please do not go further.

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Dr Nicholas Jenner

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