self forgiveness | Boundaries of the Soul

Re-parenting your Inner Child

May 23, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

We have seen clearly in my previous set of posts how an inner critic is formed from the defense mechanisms used by the wounded, criticised child and how these can be taken forward into adulthood. Part of the process of dealing with the inner critic and the chaos it causes is to re-parent our inner child, showing it that it no-longer needs those mechanisms and the protection offered by its family of critics.

Try this: Before leaving home one morning, you took an extra effort in getting your living room cleaned, but when you return in the evening, you find it in a mess. What will your response be?
▶ Sigh and clean up again

▶ Shrug your shoulder and leave it as it is Get upset and cry

▶ Shut out the person responsible

▶ Get frustrated but keep quiet

▶ Get angry and yell at the person

▶ Take it in your stride, let it go and maybe clean up later.

Your response to the above situation is a reflection of your inner, self-set pattern of behavior. This behavioral pattern has been formed and reformed over the years, starting from your birth, through reinforcement and suppression, mostly by parents or other significant people, and has now become a part of your personality and self-beliefs. Sometimes, the personality type and self-beliefs of a person may hinder healthy development and lifestyle of the person. How a child is treated affects what he/she thinks and does as an adult. Faulty upbringing need not necessarily be a result of abuse, intentional neglect or wrongdoing of parents. It may be unknowingly done and might not seem of much importance. Yet, certain instances, maybe in the form of discipline, control or conduct of significant adults (especially parents), in a child’s life, greatly influence his/her personality, his/her view of the world and relationships with self and others, as an adult. However, this becomes a very prominent issue when a person has been a victim of child abuse in any form, or has been a part of a dysfunctional family. In most cases though, the way parents treat a child is largely dependent on how they were treated as children. Even in cases where the parenting techniques are wrong, the same parental pattern goes on for generations until someone realizes their mistake. But just knowing the problem is never enough. A solution and remedy has to be found and used. One way of doing this is by reparenting.

What is Reparenting?

Reparenting deals with three aspects of an individual. They are: Adult,Inner Child and Parent.The Adult is the individual, the Inner Child is the childhood stage at which the individual was wronged and the Parent is a therapist (or the individual) who gives the right response the child should have received. Thus, reparenting is nothing but going back to the stage in which the adult was wronged and satisfying or making peace with the inner child hidden inside by giving the response and fulfilling the needs that were required at that time by self counseling or therapy.

Reparenting the Inner Child

The feelings and beliefs that the inner child carries have two different causes. One is the inner critic attacks in the adult’s present life and the second is the things that happened in childhood, usually criticism from parents and care-givers. The pain that the critic causes in the present is bad enough but it also aggravates the inner child and makes that pain worse, ultimately strengthening the inner critic. To start the reparenting process, it is important to access and work with the inner child and treat it with empathy and compassion, feel its pain and witness the situations that caused it pain. Your inner child has been hidden for a long time, so you have to bear in mind that your inner child may not know how to express certain feelings. They may believe that they’re not allowed to express their feelings, or that their feelings are unimportant. They believe that they are unimportant and also believe the lies that they were told. All these things you have to keep in mind, and slowly encourage them to express the way they feel/think.

According to John Bradshaw, author of “Home Coming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child,” the process of healing your wounded inner child is one of grief. And it involves these seven steps (in Bradshaw’s words):

1. Trust

For your wounded inner child to come out of hiding, he must be able to trust that you will be there for him. Your inner child also needs a supportive, non-shaming ally to validate his abandonment, neglect, abuse, and enmeshment. Those are the first essential elements in original pain work.

2. Validation

If you’re still inclined to minimize and/or rationalize the ways in which you were shamed, ignored, or used to nurture your parents, you need now to accept the fact that these things truly wounded your soul. Your parents weren’t bad, they were just wounded kids themselves.

3. Shock

If this is all shocking to you, that’s great, because shock is the beginning of grief. After shock comes depression and then denial.

4. Anger.

It’s okay to be angry, even if what was done to you was unintentional. In fact, you HAVE to be angry if you want to heal your wounded inner child. I don’t mean you need to scream and holler (although you might). It’s just okay to be mad about a dirty deal. I know [my parents] did the best that two wounded adult children could do. But I’m also aware that I was deeply wounded spiritually and that it has had life-damaging consequences for me. What that means is that I hold us all responsible to stop what we’re doing to ourselves and to others. I will not tolerate the outright dysfunction and abuse that dominated my family system.

5. Sadness

After anger comes hurt and sadness. If we were victimized, we must grieve that betrayal. We must also grieve what might have been–our dreams and aspirations. We must grieve our unfulfilled developmental needs.

6. Remorse

When we grieve for someone who has died, remorse is sometimes more relevant; for instance, perhaps we wish we had spent more time with the deceased person. But in grieving childhood abandonment, you must help your wounded inner child see that there was nothing he could have done differently. His pain is about what happened to him; it is not about him.

7. Loneliness

The deepest core feelings of grief are toxic shame and loneliness. We were shamed by [our parents'] abandoning us. We feel we are bad, as if we’re contaminated. And that shame leads to loneliness. Since our inner child feels flawed and defective, he has to cover up his true self with his adapted false self. He then comes to identify himself by his false self. His true self remains alone and isolated. Staying with this last layer of painful feelings is the hardest part of the grief process. “The only way out is through,” we say in therapy. It’s hard to stay at that level of shame and loneliness; but as we embrace these feelings, we come out the other side. We encounter the self that’s been in hiding. You see, because we hid it from others, we hid it from ourselves. In embracing our shame and loneliness, we begin to touch our truest self.

Dr. Nicholas Jenner is a Counseling psychologist in private practice working with individuals,couples, groups and companies globally. Online therapy is, in my experience, effective for treating a number of major conditions. Are you having issues that you need to talk through? I have a range of plans that can help you get the help you need. Online Therapy details : Here ……

The Inner Critic comes in all forms

May 7, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

“I am really driven, but my drive doesn’t affect the conversations I have in my head about life, and my worries and fears and insecurities.” Zach Braff .

Following on from my last post about the early influences we experience that can form the inner critic . The concept of an inner critic is well known but most people have to deal with more than one manifestation. There might be one that attacks you for doing too much of something and another who then berates you for being lazy. The advice would be to work with each separately. I will now look at the types of inner critic that can pop up.

We all know it, only too well. It’s that inner voice, that “inner critic,” that seems always present and always keenly prepared to defeat us. When we feel happy, the voice says: “Yeah, this can’t last.” When we’re about to attempt something, it whispers: “Watch out. You’re gonna fail.” And when we do succeed, the voice dismisses: “That was just luck. It won’t happen again.” However, less known is the fact that a number of inner critics can form and work together to keep us in a hole of negativity. Understanding which ones are present and how they combine and appear can help us to counter them and reduce their power. Following are descriptions of the most common ones I have experienced in my day-to-day work.

1. I am a Perfectionist…I need 120%.

I set very high standards for your behavior, your performance and your interaction with others. My demand is that you do these things and everything else perfectly. When you fail, I will attack you and let you know frequently how not good enough you are. Sometimes my demands will mean that you don’t start something or if you do, you won’t be able to finish it for fear of failure and sometimes even success. My message is….. Don’t do anything unless it is 120% perfect. Doing nothing prevents the feelings you will have about failing and keeps my hold over you strong.

2. Trust is good, Control is better…

I will make you feel bad when you want to do something impulsive or addictive. When you are down on yourself and you overeat, use drugs or get angry, I will remind you how disgusting you really are. You see, I am in a constant battle with the impulsive critic who tells you it is ok to do such things.

3. Work, Work, Work…

I will attempt to motivate you by pushing you harder. I will remind you of how lazy, stupid or useless you are . I like to keep you in that hamster wheel for fear of you falling into the clutches of your procrastination critic.

4. Risks are bad…

I know they say that part of life is the taking of risks, the unknown is exciting but not in my book. I will try desperately to undermine your confidence and self-esteem to stop you taking those risks. You see, I am protecting you from hurt and rejection. Who needs success when you can safely do nothing? You will never amount to anything anyway, so why try?

5. Seek and Destroy…..

I am the most dangerous and powerful of your critics. I am the one who attacks your fundamental self-worth, destroying green shoots of recovery before they grow and reminding you that you should not even exist. My sole task is to wipe out your positive energy, creativity and spontaneity.

6. You should feel Guilty….

My job is to remind you of those things you have done or didn’t do or kept secret. I will tell you how guilty you should feel for hurting that person, betraying that value or repeated behavior you should feel ashamed of. I will never forgive you for what I feel you have done and you have to pay. I am only trying to help you avoid the pain by constantly keeping it in the foreground.

7. The Shaper….

I try to get you to adapt to social and family norms by telling you how few friends you have, how socially inept you are and what an outsider you are. I don’t see change as at all positive.

In order to understand the complexity of the inner critic, we must realise that as children, growing up in dysfunction, we absorbed certain things about the world and used survival mechanisms to cope. Part of the mind’s role, the more primal part, is to protect us from danger. In a sense, it is hard-wired to keep us alive and help us survive. As a result, it “records” past incidents that could cause danger and refers to this when similar incidents occur, sometimes years later. It causes us to react to the perceived danger by withdrawing, stopping or pulling back from certain activities, ( of course, this can be useful when walking out in the street in busy traffic). However, it becomes a hinderance when it holds us back from “dangers” that we are meant to “outgrow”. Indeed, the painful experiences our minds record most vividly are from our earliest years: our infancy, our childhood, even our teens. During these early formative years, we were understandably overwhelmed by the world. In our infancy, we were completely dependent; and, as such, we justly interpreted the slightest physical or emotional discomfort as a very threat to our existence. As children, any sense of separation from our parents or other comforting things triggered a sense of panic or fear of abandonment. Any dysfunction around our basic structures such as abuse, divorce, financial ruin, etc had a devastating effect . ny sense of disapproval might be interpreted as complete rejection. Later, in our adolescence, disappointments that would now seem minor felt then like our world was collapsing. Certainly, we know now that we are no longer infants or children. But because these “traumas” occurred during our most basic developmental years – when our minds were literally “looking” for patterns and associations to make sense of ourselves and our world – these fear associations can become almost instinctual and unconscious … and often fixed in time. This is where the critic(s) step in. They are trying to protect that wounded “inner child”as though we were still children and in real danger. We can assume then that the critic is a voice from the past, a voice of a young child and a “wounded” voice. So, when we do – or even consider doing – something that triggers this old association with danger (or disappointment, rejection, loss, etc.), this wounded part awakens, panics, and starts to vocalize. It will “play back” the original trauma to prevent us from re-injury. Containing and limiting the “inner critic” means working in therapy with the adult and the “child”. This is often why being harsh with your inner critic is difficult. It is part of you. A part that needs nurturing and protecting (in the right way), and most of all allowed to develop. In my next post, I will be looking at ways of siding with and befriending the critic.

Accepting Failure and Learning from it

April 14, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.

Failure is something we all must come to terms with. Businesses and relationships fail to make it, targets are missed, and expectations dashed. However, failure and disappointment are part of the human experience and in order to achieve the goals in life we set ourselves, a healthy dose of failure is sure to be part of the process. But we don’t often allow ourselves the luxury of being able to fail in order to succeed. By thinking like this, we lose the chance to learn valuable lessons. There is a lot to be said for the thought that there are no failures in life, just successes and learning experiences. Sometimes we make mistakes and others let us down and it is important to realise that this is possible without damning ourselves. When we do, the danger is that we can revert to negative thinking patterns when we experience failure or disappointment, we attach those feelings to our general view of ourselves and we become cognitively and emotionally unhealthy. I have worked with many clients who feel that failure defines them but I always say that even if you have failed, you are not a failure as a person. However, it is easy to think this at times but understanding that failure is all part of the exciting world we live in can open up a new healthier way of looking at the world.

Accepting that Failure and Disappointment exist

We live in a world of perfectionist thinking. The world’s media bombard us with perfect images of people situations and life in general, giving the general impression that life is easy under most conditions. We are expected to be as perfect as possible in the workplace and juggle this with the perfect relationship. Even in the majority of schools, competitive sports have been pushed out of the curriculum to avoid children “failing”. In all of these scenarios, failure is seen as unacceptable, something to be avoided at all costs or only experienced by “weak” people. However, as we all know, life is difficult, and we will all need to deal with failure at one stage of our lives but there is a positive side to failure and it can hold the key to success. Failure, taken the right way can be an aid to personal development, growth and learning. In Eastern philosophies, good and bad, life and death, success and failure are given equal weight because they are part of the natural cycle of things. The problem is not the event but our reactions to them. This is in total contrast to our western view of things.

What happens when Failure happens?

Failure can trigger many different emotions and they range on a spectrum between healthy and unhealthy. The unhealthy emotions usually tend to be driven by beliefs that will make you feel stuck, hopeless and unable to move. The healthy emotions will make you feel pain and stress and cause you to reflect but will allow you to look at the failure objectively and move on and there is usually a process that needs to be worked through to get to this stage. Firstly, the unhealthy emotions can bring a numbness, denial and a feeling of disbelief, even sometimes feeling no emotion at all. All showing that failure was not factored in. Not showing any reaction to failure is also unhealthy and could show that something deeper is at work. This initial shock should last a few days at most and then the negative emotions can be felt. This is a vital experience and a natural one. It is normal to feel out of sorts and vulnerable during this stage and even at this stage, it is hard to distinguish healthy and unhealthy reactions so it important is allow feelings to come out and seek support from friends, loved ones or a professional. It is also normal to experience a limited period of irrationality as the failure is accepted and worked through. If any part of this process lingers, professional help should be sought.

Deeper feelings after Failure

1. Anxiety : Anxiety is an unhealthy response to threat or danger. After failure, there may be the fear of further failure and this can exaggerate emotions. The opposite of this is concern. Even though both are fear-based emotions, one is immobilizing and the other is realistic. Anxiety can be extremely negative for recovery and can cause feelings of hopelessness, lack of coping skills and feelings that running away is the best option. Anxiety can be tackled by facing the things that caused the anxiety in the first place and changing thinking patterns if needed.

2. Depression : Depression can occur when failure keeps us stuck in negativity and the future seems hopeless. We see the failure in the terms of loss and apply the feelings felt from the failure to ourselves and our abilities. It is easy during this phase to ruminate, dwell on past failures and an imagined future of hopelessness. Depression is the natural consequence of not dealing with anxiety and are often experienced together, maybe in the form of a vicious circle when a sufferer becomes anxious about being depressed. It is safe to say that sadness is a very appropriate feeling after failure and should not be assumed depressive. The difference is that sadness can still allow us to see the future as hopeful.

How to accept Failure

Accepting failure means accepting the very thing that makes us human: our own fallibility. No-one is perfect and despite what we sometimes think, perfection doesn’t exist. Striving for excellence and to be as good as we can exists but perfection means that nothing better is possible. Many who believe that they have reached the level when nothing can be better and on the same level as those who believe that nothing worse can happen. Life teaches us that something better or worse can always happen. Neither of these views are consistent with reality. The process of accepting failure can be looked at from three angles: Failure, failing and the individual’s role in the process. Failure is tangible. It is easy to find evidence to tell us that we have failed. We didn’t reach the target at work, the relationship ended, we still have that weight on. However, we are not so good at recognising when we are failing. We are taught to keep going, everything will be ok as long as we see it through. Only weak people give up. Persistence is a strength. We have heard it all and all heard it. However, being focussed on a goal should not mean that the option of stopping at some point and trying something else should be out of the question. That is where the individual’s role comes in. How far down this line people go is individual and the decision to quit often comes too late. If you feel that the process is failing, it is very important to ask yourself, perhaps with professional help, whether decisions have to be made.

How to deal with Failure

It is only when failure is accepted and attitudes towards it are changed, will it become a catalyst for success. When this happens, fear is reduced and creative ability comes through. Fear of failure can also be reduced by letting go of unhealthy demands concerning success or failure. In doing so, motivation can come for the right reasons, that is to want to do something rather than must do it. Letting go of the demand that you must succeed enables you to look at things in a more constructive, objective way. Look at these tips for overcoming failure and learning from the experience.

1. Be honest with yourself : This is essential if lessons are to be learnt. Blaming others, situations or conditions will not help and will reinforce dysfunctional thinking. Without accepting your role in the failure, no learning can be had.

2. Feel the emotion: It is important to realise that with any setback comes the accompanying emotions. Feeling these is human and natural and should be embraced. A period of time should be taken to feel these emotions but it is also important to keep them realistic and not catastrophise them. Once this process is over, you can move on to learning and planning.

3. Learn : Once you are in the position to do so, the setback can be reviewed and lessons constructively drawn from it. Working on the basis that no-one is perfect, it is important to continue assessing personal responsibility. What could I have done differently? Were my expectations unrealistic?

4, Plan: What do you do with the lessons learnt? What better than to develop a contingency plan to cope next time? Do you need additional skills, more help, a change in thinking? Also learn the signs that tell when action needs to be taken. Am I failing? Are we failing? What can we do? What do I need to make a decision?.

Depressive Thinking Part 2 : Depression and Perfectionism

March 23, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

In the second of a series of posts about depressive thinking, I am looking today at the role of perfectionism and how perfectionist thinking can create a cycle that can lead to depression.

Perfectionism can mean many things to many people. It can be seen as striving for excellence. It can mean a controlling attitude but more often it means holding on to unattainable standards that demand unyielding compliance from self, others and situations. This is more than just having an eye for details or suffering disappointment due to not reaching a target, it is an attitude that promotes stress and psychological strain, ultimately, depression. When depression is involved, a cycle of negative emotions and states such as high expectations, fear and anxiety, fear of rejection and blame and procrastination come into play. This causes a barrage of self-talk ( I must, should) with blame ( I am awful, terrible) and promotes and maintains depressive thoughts.

Let’s look at how this works. perfectionists often dread the thought of failing to meet their lofty targets with a passion. This causes them to experience anxiety at the thought of performing poorly and having to deal with inevitable missing of goals. The paradox is that this thinking leads to a focus on perceived imperfections that apparently caused the failure. This results in negative self-talk, self-downing and a downward depressive spiral, affecting self-worth and self-esteem. Perfectionists often find it difficult to allow themselves breathing space in their pursuit of perfection and the fact that human fallibility is a normal part of life gets lost on them. The sad truth is that perfectionists judge their self-value on their own idea of success and failure. Some very successful people berate themselves constantly for not achieving more than they have. For many people, perfectionism is total. It is not enough to do as well as others, they have to stand out. It is not enough to perform typically, they MUST be the best. It is not enough to have a tidy home, it MUST be spotless. When perfection becomes a condition for personal worth, it inevitably leads to a slippery slope of predictable emotional consequences and responses.

Perfectionists are often identified by the language they use. Words like “should”, “must”, “have to” “require” “expect” are all part of a perfectionist’s vocabulary. These words can, of course be used without making demands but added them to lofty expectations, trouble is in store. They often provoke guilt and shame because unrealistic rigid demands were not met. In therapy, one of the approaches against this is to replace these demanding words with ones less threatening and emotional. “Expect” becomes “would prefer”, “must” becomes “aspire to”, “should” becomes “hope to” and so on. The use of softer language and taking a more realistic approach to life (and self) is key to lessening the demands of perfectionism.

Realism as a Counter to Perfectionism

As a CBT therapist, I deal in realism. What that means is that in therapy, my clients come to realize that life is not always easy with various ups and downs and things are not going to be great all the time. It is how we deal with the downs that determine how good the ups will be. This is an essential mindset to take if recovery from perfectionism is to take place. If we can be mostly satisfied with who we are, what we are doing and who with are with most of the time, then life is really not so bad. Contrast that with the unreal, perfectionist world where the prize of achievement is never reached.

When I take on a new client with signs of perfectionism, one of the first assignments they get is to fill in Daily Mood Sheets. This is a wonderful instrument that charts reaction to perfectionist thinking, looks at the automatic thoughts and behavior that follows and then gives the client a chance to look at the situation from a different angle. The biggest hurdle to these sheets is the ability to look at things realistically. Once this is learnt, ( and it can take some time) a mindset clicks in that is one of acceptance that things won’t and can’t always go our way. This is the idea behind realistic thinking, that we accept that life will not always be as we want it to be . However, only replacing vocabulary in your mind is not likely to do the trick. Part of this process means moving from being self-absorbant to self-observant, questioning the very things that are driving perfectionist values. If you think that you must have or do something, the question could be “why is this the case? Is there an alternative, can I accept less?”. Perfectionist thoughts can also be logged on a continuum. For example, If you didn’t reach a target, you can use terms such as ” I got 60% of what I aimed for”, much better than “I failed”.

Perfectionism is addressable by using and applying cognitive tools. Positive change can be had when thinking is changed and self worth is separated from the requirement to do things perfectly. If you constantly hear your inner critic berating you for not getting or doing that extra 20%, you have noticed your perfectionist beliefs. Discrediting and disputing these values and finding realistic evidence to prove them wrong is a key part of recovery. As humans, we are inherently imperfect. We have the ability to fail without ever being a failure. We sometimes just need to think it and believe it.

The Mental Torment of Sexually Abused Children

February 24, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

TRIGGER WARNING : If you are uncomfortable reading about sexual abuse, please do not read further.

It is estimated that up to fifty percent of sexual abuse victims who receive medical treatment after episodes of abuse carry no physical scars at all. However, it is also estimated that all of them will carry the mental scars for most, if not all of their lives. This makes perfect sense. Abuse victims often report that the physical touch was not the worst part of the abuse but the burden of carrying the “secret” and knowledge of the abuse which stays with them at all times superseded this many times over. This burden also carries the responsibility of what to do with this information. Revealing it could mean being taken away from loved ones or the break-up of a family as well as legal consequences for the abuser. This can cause great hardship for a young mind.

The mental aspects of abuse are cleverly manipulated by the abuser. While the physical boundaries are being destroyed and violated, so is the mind. A child can be lead to believe that their body and mind are under the control of others. Abusers often try to convince a child that what they might believe is happening is really not or when it is mentioned, the child is blamed and the abuse often denied and ignored. Another method is to rename the abuse as a “special” game that only the child is allowed to play. Statistics tell us that most incidents of abuse take place at night, often leading the child to believe it was a dream and making recollection hazy. The sad fact is that many sexually abused children are denied the right to justice due to the mental manipulation of the abuser and carry these scars for a lifetime, trying to cope with life as best they can. However, mental health issues as a result of the abuse are often played out later in life as the subsequent adult tries to deal with the torment of the past. Let’s look at some of these :

Dissociation

Children who are abused tend to emotionally shut off while the abuse is taking place. However, they often take this defense mechanism into adulthood and dissociate when confronted with anything that reminds them of the abuse. Hence, they find it hard to enjoy close relationships and intimacy. This dissociation can range from the mild, referring to oneself in the third person, to extreme complete depersonalization. Due to the abuse, many victims have been taught (or indeed taught themselves) to ignore feelings and emotions, so they often see this behavior as “normal”. In some cases, when the abused has not been believed, the dissociation acts almost as a “friend” and in a way protecting and validating them as it did at the time of the abuse. Many hold onto this and are afraid to let it go, fearing life without it. Since there is a strong likelihood that the victim was in a dissociative state at the time of the abuse, they often find that large chunks of memory of the abuse and other times in their life are blurred, often returning briefly in dreams and flashbacks.

Multiple Personality Disorder

The most extreme example of dissociation is the formation of two or more distinct personalities that take over control of behavior. Research tells us that most sufferers of MPD had a history of sexual abuse in childhood. Multiple personality disorder typically develops at a young age because of some kind of very traumatic experience, usually long-lasting and severe abuse. The earliest age when MPD can develop has not been clearly established, but seems to coincide with early infancy. Abuse that leads to development of multiple personality can be emotional, physical, or sexual, or combinations thereof. In reality, all abuse is mental. The mind perceives and interprets the harmful acts as abusive. The after effects of childhood sexual abuse seem to be responsible for more than 90% of all MPD cases. By contrast, non-abusive traumatic events do not cause multiplicity. Multiple personality disorder only develops when a person is helpless and unable to escape suffering or the threat of suffering, especially when the abuse is repetitive or lasting weeks, months, and years. A significant factor leading to the development of multiple personality is the dependence of the victim on the abuser and establishment of a personal relationship . The abuser becomes an essential and psychologically inseparable part of existence, but also the torturer in the mental sense. The cognitive substrate of the brain is unable to reconcile these dramatically opposing experiences and is forced to split into pieces. The likely triggers (severe traumas) of permanent dissociation hint that the number of possible personalities could run in the dozens. In extreme cases, when the abuse is lifelong, several hundred personalities might be expected to exist.

Mentality

One of the most crippling aspects of sexual abuse is the development of an unhealthy outlook on life in the form of a set mentality. Unlike the diagnosable disorders above, mentalities are often more subtle but just as destructive in their own way. For example, many abused children take on a victim mentality as the child starts to organise the world around its own wound. The abused child sees the world as unsafe, unpredictable and dangerous. The child has learnt through the abuse that what they feel, want or think make no difference and they feel hopeless, ineffective and lack the ability to contradict this with evidence to the contrary. They are often tormented with the thoughts they they were somehow to blame for the abuse and they asked for it or deserved it. Life is consequently full of “shoulds”, leading the abused to the mistaken belief that they had a choice. The basic assumptions about life that most of us take for granted are challenged in a victim mentality, that is invulnerability, I can’t or won’t get hurt, I have worth and the world is understandable and has meaning. These thoughts often lead to problems in later life by seeing poor treatment by others as “normal”, an acceptance that abilities to change are limited and an exaggerated sense of self-blame. Most adults in these cases are passive people. However, paradoxically, some can become agressive…treating others poorly as defense against being hurt. Some become perfectionists, wrongly believing that one needs to be perfect to be accepted. Other attempt to keep control over others while fearing losing control themselves.

Once again, the attitude of the offender has a lot to do with the formation of a victim mentality in the abused. Many abusers show characteristic of “other”-blame as opposed to the self-blame shown by victims and they fit well together. Often an offender will blame the child for “seducing” them or blame circumstances for the abuse. An person with offender mentality will continue to abuse without being overwhelmed with guilt or remorse so there is no internal motivation to stop. They can always find a justification for it. They often paint themselves as “misunderstood” or “framed” by society and sometimes the victim. There is some feeling that people with the offender mentality are often substance abusers as well. In one recent study, up to 45 % of abusers who “blamed” the victim were either alcoholics or took drugs to some degree. This could suggest that substance abuse causes sexual abuse but more likely, the offenders were looking to find a reason to justify what had happened.

This is just a small portion of the disorders that can arise from abuse..there are many others. However, in therapy, the biggest gift a therapist can give an abuse victim is to believe their story and help them relive it in such a way that they can reconstruct their world and gain new insight. It helps to show abuse victims how to question long held beliefs about themselves and the world and their place in it. This is incredibly important as in some quarters, there is the belief that victims often lie about abuse. In my experience of treating victims (and being one myself), they rather tend to minimise it. It is also vital that the therapist feels the need to show emotion towards the act of abuse and the abuser. Many victims have been met with stonewall faces and attitudes all their lives and it can be refreshing to come across someone who feels outrage when talking about it.

Focus to avoid Rumination

February 16, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

One of the biggest difficulties we face when trying to instigate change in our lives is protecting ourselves from the effects of the past and an imagined future. Even when the past has been somewhat dealt with, the brave new world known as our new future life can be difficult to deal with, hold many fears and lead us to rumination. It is in this process of rumination (a form of daydreaming) where we are at our most vulnerable mentally. We allow negative thoughts and “big picture” concerns to affect our lives and judgement. What do I mean with “big picture” concerns? These are the things that we busy ourselves with thinking about such as global issues, political and financial structures and other’s behavior that we have no chance in the world of influencing. Yet we try, blame and judge and make ourselves miserable. Our minds race, trying to solve problems that have no solution and the result is depression. How many of these issues can you or should you directly influence? Let’s say, for example, that you’re very concerned with the rise of international terrorism. How can you, as an individual, influence global politics to such an extent that you’re going to have a personal impact on the future of this issue? Unless you’ve committed yourself to a career in international politics, the chances are that this concern of yours, critically important though it may be, will not fall within your circle of influence. Fundamentally, outside of being well-informed on these issues that concern you, your time would be much better spent focusing on the issues that lie directly within your own influence.

One of the best descriptions of this process was written by Stephen Covey in his best-seller, The 7 Habits. Covey depicted two circles to describe where people spend their time : The Circle of Concern, which contains the activities mentioned above and the Circle of Influence, the smaller circle that we really should be focussing on. This contains all the activities that we can have an influence on, namely our own focus, thoughts and behavior. As in this diagram :

The circles represent the 2 areas where you can focus your time and energy. The vast majority of people focus too much time and energy outside of their Circle of Influence, and in their Circle of Concern.

Covey notes that highly effective people think and act primarily within their Circle of Influence. They forget about the things over which they have no or very little control, preferring instead to focus their time where they can actually make a difference. By doing this, they gradually expand their Circle of Influence as they deflect the thoughts from outside. To give a concrete example, let me list some common things people generally worry about (Circle of Concern), followed by an example of something they could do to improve the situation (Circle of Influence):

The environment – recycle your plastic, be environmentally more responsible
Personal finances – learn new skills to find a job or earn a promotion. Face difficult situations head-on.
Physical health – exercise for 20 minutes daily. Change diet.
Being single – work on your social skills so you can meet more potential partners. Drop perfectionist values.

When you’re faced with something that comes at you from your circle of concern, but that isn’t within your circle of influence, you meet that challenge by changing something that is in your control. When you figure out what that is and respond accordingly, you will have learned a valuable lesson. The lessons of childhood, adolescence and adulthood are hard enough, but they mainly concern themselves with the outside world. The lessons I am talking about here are different: they concern themselves with the inner you. They deal with self-esteem, values, purpose, meaning, direction, and your unique destiny in this world. These are the real lessons: the ones that really count.

Life is Difficult but…

February 8, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

I often get asked by marketing companies to post an article on behalf of one of their clients. Mostly, these articles contain links to products that have nothing to do with my field of work so I refuse. However, I am always happy to accommodate Greg Malouf . He is a shining example of someone who has overcome adversity in his life to move on. He is using the wisdom gained from these experiences for the good of others. I am sure he would agree with the quote below from one of my favorite authors :

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers. It is in the whole process of meeting and solving problems that life has meaning. Problems are the cutting edge that distinguishes between success and failure. Problems call forth our courage and our wisdom; indeed, they create our courage and our wisdom. It is only because of problems that we grow mentally and spiritually. It is through the pain of confronting and resolving problems that we learn.” M. Scott Peck

I once read something that has stuck with me for many years. It went something like ” there is no success or failure in life…just success and learning opportunities”. How true this is but how difficult for most people to put into operation. Facing life’s problems head-on is usually a step too far. Whether it be financial, relationship or personal, it is usually easier to take the line of least resistance and procrastinate or even run away, hoping the problem is heading in the other direction. Sometimes problems have been caused by other people, and so there is a resistance to having to sort out something that someone else has caused. This is an understandable reaction, yet for progress to be made, one has to dig deep and confront the issues, regardless of whether they have been caused by self or others. At other times, there is a burying of the head in the sand, and this solves nothing. In fact, this approach just prolongs the agony of the problem and adds more problems on top of the original issue. It is important to remember that when we avoid our problems, they don’t go away, and also bear in mind that a problem we are avoiding may impact hugely on another person’s life (knock on effect).

We convince ourselves that opening that letter or dealing with the problem in our relationship can wait until tomorrow or next week or next month. We bury our heads in the sand waiting for the right time, knowing that the right time is usually right now. We beat ourselves up because of it knowing that the only person who can change it is us. We become depressed and lose our self-esteem. I am reminded of the story told by Scott Peck in his self-help book “The Road less Travelled” where he asked a stressed financial analyst how she likes to eat cake. ” the frosting first”, she replied. He suggested she eat the cake first and then the frosting. This statement just about sums up the pleasure principle. We put off seemingly uncomfortable or difficult things and replace them with easier more pleasurable activities or nothing at all. However, the spectre of the problem is always there in the background waiting to pounce at the right moment, dragging our urgent attention to it at the same time.

There are, however, simple methods available to avoid this crippling condition ruining your personal and professional life and ruin it it will, if it is allowed to become a habit. Do you want that mad rush that comes with having to get things done at the last moment? This can help :

1. Realize and accept you have a problem and only you can set the solution in motion. Others may be able to help but you need to initiate. To not do this is delusion.

2 . Stop talking your problem. Talk the solution. Talking about your problems all the time is to pile misery upon misery. Be proactive and preventive. Look forward and take measures to ease problems before they overwhelm

3. Make a list of those problems causing the most trouble. Prioritize the list, A, B, C and so forth. DO NOT list blue Mondays, rainy days and heavy traffic. Those are not problems. That is called living life. You couldn’t change them anyway. Deal with A and leave the rest of the list alone. When A is solved B becomes A and so forth. Move through the list with determination. Remember that living life will always be mixed with difficulty. Change what you can change. Others will take care of what you cannot change. That is their assignment, not yours.

4. The 80/20 rule or Pareto Principle. 20% of activities on your to-do list will produce 80% of your most desired results. What do you want to accomplish? What are those activities you must do? The ability to determine those tasks and then complete them on time can have more impact on achieving your goals than anything else.

5. Write down those tasks and specific time frames for when you will work on them. Write them in a place where you will constantly see them to be reminded. This way you’re constantly reminded of what you are to do and when. You will get around to completing these tasks sooner rather than later because by “seeing” them all the time, you’ll want to cross them off your list. Consider erasing the tasks after completing them so you no longer have to look at them. .

6. Plan a reward ahead of time. Make sure you give yourself some type of reward when finished. It can be as small as penciling in time to work on the things you enjoy.

7. Do the thing you like least first. Research points to the fact that the longer you put off something, the harder it is to get motivated. It becomes easier to experience procrastination.

8. Break it down into small steps. To avoid overwhelm, avoid saying, “I’m going to sit down and work on this for the next six hours straight.” Instead say to yourself, “I’m going to work on this first thing in the morning from 8:00 a.m. to 8:45 a.m. If then I want to stop I can. ” When you tell yourself you will “only” work on something for X number of minutes, it makes it more palatable. And what usually happens is you get on a roll and want to keep going.

9. The power of focus. You can be putting tremendous energy into something, but is it the right thing? Many people expend huge amounts of energy and creativity trying not to do something. Refine your focus.

10. Consequences. Take into account what will happen if you don’t complete those 20% of tasks that produce 80% of your desired results. There is often pain in thinking about a task we don’t want to do, but by procrastinating the pain only increases. You’re not having fun on the enjoyable tasks because in the back of your mind you’re thinking about what you must do and “should” do. Keep in mind that everything you procrastinate today only compounds tomorrow’s pressure. To be motivated toward your goal and achieve success requires you to have strong “motive” and move. Decide what you want. What tasks must be done in order for you to accomplish your goals, dreams and aspirations? . .

Depression : An everyday tale

February 1, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

It is an overwhelming fact that depression rates are on the rise in most corners of the globe. Globally, millions of people are living with the misery of the so-called “cancer of mental health” on a daily basis. Some have had their symptoms alleviated by medication, some have sought therapy and there are many others who live with it without getting help. Some are not even aware that they are suffering and some choose not to recognise it, for whatever reason. There are those who have adapted their lives to the extent that they see their depression as a “part” of them, have no trouble talking about it. There are others who feel stigmatized and discriminated against and hide their illness and there are those who live in fear of the consequences of their depression hoping it will not take over their lives. I recently met someone who had been suffering on and off from depression for over thirty-five years. We talked about how this had left an imprint on his life, how it affects him and how he had tried to adapt in order to lead the best life possible. He cut a despondent, resigned figure who had seemingly given up. I asked him if I could write his story….he gladly agreed and here it is :

When did you first realise you were depressed?

I often wondered why my parents were always so miserable. Now I realise that they were depressed too. I guess it would be easy to say that I inherited my depression from them but I know it is not as simple as that. When I look back, it first hit me in my teens. I was an awkward teenager, never with the “in crowd” and consequently got bullied and pushed out. I didn’t dress or act like them which didn’t help. I preferred my own company. Now I realise that I was not doing things because of my depression. I never thought that anything was wrong until I made a mistake at work and started crying when my boss criticised me.

What happened then?

Well, my boss had some previous experience of depression and took me to the GP. I was distraught to have shown such vivid emotion in front of my employer. Luckily he understood, and guided me somewhat. I thought my world was about to end. Depression and mental illness had always been a taboo subject in my family due to my grandmother being “mad” and my parents often criticised and ridiculed others who suffered. My boss took me to the GP and he prescribed antidepressants.

Were you offered other treatment, such as therapy?

No and my parents would not have allowed it. In those days, that meant being “locked up” and that would have brought shame on the family.

What was your experience with medication?

I remember at first, the days full of “zombie-like” feelings, the impression that I was in another dimension but after a while I felt better and the side-effects waned. After that it was a case of remembering to take them. After a year, I decided not to take them anymore and gradually came off them. I don’t regret that at all. I know people who have been taking them for twenty years.

Would you consider yourself still depressed ?

Most definitely. Look, it comes and goes but I am still as miserable as I was as a teenager. I still avoid things that could potentially hurt me psychologically and have really stayed in my comfort zone all my life. I read an article once that stated that some people’s depression never goes away and they should just accept that and adapt their lives accordingly. I can believe that in my case but I am not sure you can accept it or adapt to it…or if you should.

Now the big question…How has being depressed impacted your life?

Well, I would say it’s the little things that have the biggest impact. Waking up in the morning with seemingly nothing to look forward to (or so I think), the difficult interaction with other people. The constant rumination about what other people think of me, regrets and my past. Makes daily life difficult. However, the worst thing is how I think about myself as a weakling, a fragile being who is knocked back by the smallest upset. How I can’t get out of that feeling and it gets worse before it gets better. I haven’t been able to stay in a relationship and that is one of my biggest regrets. I think the worst thing is that I feel society stigmatises depression to the extent that people with it are not seen as “normal”. The health insurance companies treat you like a monster when they hear the word and employers keep you at arm’s length.

How do you see your future?

(laughing) I have a great future behind me !! Look I am resigned to the fact that I will probably suffer from this forever. I know I don’t do much to change that but we are like an old married couple who are together because the alternative is not so rosy. I know that if I am better, new challenges will come and those would be difficult to handle.

What advice would you give to other sufferers?

Well, they probably need to do the opposite to me. I was (and still am) scared of getting better. What would this new world bring? I would have to face things that would scare me to death. I would strongly recommend anyone newly diagnosed to seek help as soon as possible. Join groups, get therapy, medication, anything that can lessen the Impact. To try to survive without help is doomed to fail.

It is not too late for you..why don’t you take your own advice?

This question was never answered. He quickly made his excuses and left. The path out of depression was seemingly too hard to contemplate. Can it really be the case that someone would accept their illness because the alternative is harder to contemplate? I guess this is an issue that people often forget. Getting well can be as difficult as getting sick, brings new challenges and a new world that calls for courage to live in. I didn’t get the chance to thank him for allowing me to talk to him. It must have been painful to go over some of the issues that had been a part of him for years. Who knows? Maybe someday…

Online Therapy….A Therapists view…

January 26, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

I posted the article below in July last year. It was very much based on my early impressions of adding online therapy to my “normal” way of seeing clients, that is in my practice. Six months have gone by since then and the concept is steadily growing to the point that the split is now 50/50. Which do I prefer?…Hard to say….each method has pros and cons but the overriding factor is that as a therapist I am able to help more people in more ways. That feeling is one that makes everything worthwhile. Have my feelings changed about online therapy? Yes….I have become more adept at using the technology…I have become more skilled at reading between the lines, something that is highly important. Even though video technology is at a stage where it virtually simulates “live” therapy, it is easier for the client to hide feelings if they want to. I have become more accepting of this new way of helping others despite my initial fears and doubts. I have grown accustomed to working outside office hours. All of these factors have contributed to making the experience an exciting one and I look forward to what the future brings……

Online therapy is relatively new and not yet fully accepted by everyone. When you browse articles on this topic, you generally find that the main issues center around privacy concerns, proposed regulation and the usual chatter from psychotherapists stuck in the Freudian era. However, there are some studies, the most recent in Australia, stating that online therapy is proving more and more effective across a wide range of mental health issues including depression…READ HERE. This is exciting news for therapists who have decided to add online therapy to their range of services and one can only believe that the number will increase in years to come. However, in all of the discussion on this topic, one subject is usually overlooked. That is, the new challenges that therapists face in this brave new world. I have been working with online clients for about a year now and I am in a good position to talk about the differences between sitting in front of a computer screen and a “live” client.

The first thing you realise is that the dynamic of the relationship is different. Communication is via video call, email or phone so there is no physical presence in front of you. I often use email as a means of communication between sessions. Clients send me written assignments, journal entries or just their thoughts. This makes the written word and verbal communication extremely important. Unlike face to face therapy, body language and facial gestures play a lesser role, (of course, this can help in a video call). Analysis of mails in particular is very important and looking for signs of automatic thoughts and core beliefs between the lines can be challenging. Often, there is an email exchange with clarification and challenging questioning to find out what is really being said. Often these responses are instant when sent to a smart phone or when the conversation is being held on IM. As a therapist this means, you have to be on top of your game, intensely analysing statements that come very quickly back at you. The wording is also highly important in establishing what is going on under the surface with the client. Looking for clues means going into the very essence of the words used. Often clients when questioned about the use of particular words and phrases can relate these back to a thought that they were have at the time and sometimes they were not even aware of the connection. As clients often come from different cultures, it is essential to have or quickly learn to deal with the nuances in the culture and the language. I have clients from all over the world stemming from the US, Africa, Asia and Europe. All of them see the world through their cultural influences and are all very different.

Secondly, therapists who use video technology to run sessions have to rely on a good connection. Without this, it is an impossible task. Clients who are already troubled find it very traumatic to have the link constantly broken or they have to keep repeating themselves. Even the best encrypted software systems rely on a good internet connection to run video technology. This can make the difference between success and failure with a particular client, especially when working across time zones. This brings in a different point. Anyone who is really serious about online therapy must be prepared to work evenings, weekends and to a time suitable for a client. The beauty of the concept is that you can work with people in other countries. However, this means you can forget 9 to 5. Many, as I do, usually work with the online clients before or after seeing clients in their practice. This can be exhausting if you do not take care of yourself physically and mentally.

It is only a matter of time before online therapy is seen as a viable alternative to face to face therapy. Regulation and establishments offering official training will surely come. Of course, this is the way it should be. However, I hope that it is not regulated to such an extent that it fails to help the very people who most need it. That is clients who are housebound, in rural areas or prefer not to visit a therapist’s office. It is an exciting new world for therapist and client alike. Help is being given to people who would not normally get it but this also brings challenges for everyone involved.

“Put that baby in the fire NOW” ….my wife demanded!!!

January 6, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

No…not some black magic ritual but part of a dream I had recently. The dream went as follows : I was carrying a baby that had apparently died and cremation on an open fire was part of a burial ritual in the culture we lived in. The trouble was that I didn’t think the baby was dead, just sleeping or hanging onto life so I refused to carry out the ritual causing my wife to be angry. She then demanded that the ritual took place. I finally agreed but pulled the baby from the fire at the last moment claiming that it was badly burnt but still alive. At this moment, I awoke, distressed and immediately went to my son’s cot, half asleep to check on him. Everything was fine, of course…I hadn’t had a premonition. Thinking about the dream the morning after, I realised the significance of the dream and why it had come at this time. Death in a dream generally means that a part of you is dying, be it a belief, a long-held thought pattern or a habit. I realised that this dream signifies my final recovery from the accident that I had two years ago that left me with various phobias and fears. My wife has been gently encouraging me lately to take that next step (with some resistance). I really feel this dream is a real pointer to upcoming events.

When we are under stress, anxious or worried, sleep is one of the first things to be affected and many complain of broken sleep or the inability to fallasleep. When trauma has occurred in our lives, we are sometimes afraid of sleep, conscious of the nightmares and flashbacks that could follow. However, it is universally recognised that obtaining sleep, and good sleep, is essential for strong physical and mental health. As a therapist, I am very interested in a client’s sleep patterns as they can give a good sign of troubled times (or not). I also believe that what we do when asleep is an equally important source of information, that is the analysis of dreams. The interpretation of dreams in psychology was first pioneered by Freud himself. He believed that dreams are the window to the subconscious. He famously quoted in his work The Interpretation of Dreams (the definitive text was published in 1955), “The interpretation of dreams is the royal road to knowledge of the unconscious activities of the mind” , something that I truly adhere to.

There are people, of course, who believe that dreams hold no particular value and are just a re-run of recent events in our lives, much like when we would watch a film we have shot on a camcorder, that they are just a repository for information received through the senses or are some kind of “white noise”, similar to that hum give off by electrical equipment. On many levels, this could well be true. Our brains need to find an efficient way of filtering and storing valuable information, ready for the next day’s onslaught of even more. We can liken this to spring cleaning in the sense that some things are used and some things stored away for the future. The question is, what happens to the stored information? It is stored in the subconscious just as we store household things away in the attic. When this is added to the existing information present there from the influences. belief systems and experiences gained as we grow older, we have a melting pot of information that goes to making up the vast, murky, mostly uncharted place we call the subconscious. If we see the brain as some form of large computer that is continually fed during waking hours, we could imagine that dreams perform two functions : the correct sorting and processing of information and the presentation of new ideas needed for the dreamer to fully function. To do this. it gets most of its input from our subconscious mind during our sleeping hours as this is the only time that we do not place limitations on our conscious mind, allowing elements of the subconscious to come through. This process is often associated with nightmares but can also be on a more positive note. There have been many recollections of solutions to problems being found while dreaming or in deep sleep.

Nightmares and Flashbacks

When we have a nightmare or flashback to a traumatic event, we are showing a depth of emotion rarely experienced in waking mode. Nightmares are usually associated with our psychological reaction to fight or flight, yet we rarely get to this point and huge relief is felt when we wake and realise that it was not real. Nightmares tend to arise from six sources.

1. Childhood memories of intense emotions associated with loss ( or birth trauma)

2. Childhood fears and anxiety, especially in the case of dysfunctional attachment to parents.

3. PTSD where basic survival is threatened, even when the traumatic event is long past.

4. A fear of the unknown which could have been absorbed as a child. Yet again, the need for basic survival.

5. Serious illness with the natural fear of death.

6. A sense of foreboding of doom to come. This is a concept not fully understood as yet but what seems true is that humans have an innate cognitive ability to predict future events while sleeping.

People who have nightmares are more likely to suffer recurring dreams in the same situation, with the same emotions but participants disguised and often invisible. In these cases, analysis of dreams in therapy is extremely helpful to break habitual responses and change attitudes and anxiety. The analysis of dreams in therapy is not advocated by all therapists and this depends mostly on point of view and personal opinion. I, for one, believe we need to use everything at our disposal to help the client understand and ultimately recover health. Dreams, in my opinion, serve a number of purposes but not least by showing us that we are attempting to achieve a goal that is , at present unattainable, telling us that we need to focus on how we handle emotions such as anger, fear, jealousy or pain or such issues as spirituality and sexuality. Though this is not an exact science and interpretations can be wrong but a simple breakdown of the dream can glean valuable information concerning the conscious and subconscious thought patterns of the dreamer. Initially, the situation or the environment that the dream took place in is significant. A good example is a school: a learning environment. Then the emotions being felt in that situation gives an understanding of the dream framework, just as a theater group sets up a stage for a play. The important part is then to decipher various symbols and sub-plots that occur and the participants involved. We should also realise that a dream can relate to various themes going on in our lives and a simple explanation is often not enough to truly reveal the secrets involved.

Dr. Nicholas Jenner is a Counseling psychologist in private practice working with individuals,couples, groups and companies globally. Online therapy is, in my experience, effective for treating a number of major conditions. Are you having issues that you need to talk through? I have a range of plans that can help you get the help you need. Online Therapy details : Here …… Take advantage of the “online therapy” tester. Try the first three sessions for free. Contact me for more details.

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Re-parenting your Inner Child

The Inner Critic comes in all forms

Accepting Failure and Learning from it

Depressive Thinking Part 2 : Depression and Perfectionism

The Mental Torment of Sexually Abused Children

Focus to avoid Rumination

Life is Difficult but…

Depression : An everyday tale

Online Therapy….A Therapists view…

“Put that baby in the fire NOW” ….my wife demanded!!!

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