Your True Self will help with the Inner Critic.

May 11, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

There are a range of books that tell us how to deal with our family of inner critics. Most centre on mantras and progressively aggressive language to deal with them. While this can be useful, we have to remember that by isolating the critic and pushing it away, we are maybe losing an ideal opportunity to work with it. Working on the theory that it is trying to protect the inner child that was wounded and criticised, we can safely say that it is trying to help, albeit in some dysfunctional way. Getting to know and connecting with a critic or critics is a much more effective way of dealing with them and eventually lessening the grip they have.

One of the key aspects in this process is the discovery of the Self. This is the pure part of us that shines through and guides us when we are not being tormented by the host of inner critics that exist within us. It can be said that we are either in Self (curious, open, compassionate) or in torment(taken over by pain and insecurity) at any given time. Finding the Self is the key to healing and seeing the world in a different light. When this can happen, the natural qualities that embody the Self will shine through. For example, the Self promotes connection, helping you to interact socially. You are drawn to meet other people, join groups and be part of the community. The Self also likes to connect with our inner critics, helping to engage with them and aid healing. The Self is interested and inquisitive. It helps you to take natural risks in life, to be interested in people without judging and promotes an understanding of new things. It is also interested in how your inner critics work and why they react the way they do. Finally, the Self is compassionate and helps you to be compassionate towards others and yourself.

To be help the Self shine through, we first have to understand that our inner critics are not aware that the Self exists and feel they need to control to keep us safe. They are fully ignorant of the fact that underneath it all is a part of us that is fully able to deal with life’s issues. They are still in young and scary mode where the inner child is being protected from hurt and rejection. This is the only way they know. They do not trust that the adult can handle situations that the wounded and criticised child couldn’t, so they step in when triggered and take over. They tell us to avoid conflict, not to take risks or act socially..all in the name of protecting the child within us. True healing takes place when we can appreciate and work with the inner critics, rather than pushing them aside to get to the inner child. These critics have been working tirelessly for years helping us to avoid our childhood pain and when we connect with them and appreciate what they tried to do, they can step back and trust us to take over. . To be able to connect with and understand our inner critics, we must be in Self mode and this is done through a process called unblending. When we can accept that the inner critics are protecting our inner child and an attack happens, we can do various things to sooth the inner child. We can comfort it directly with compassion, letting know that you understand the pain and hurt it feels. You can reassure it that the Self will be interacting with the critic and will help it to understand. You can also use imagery to conjure up pictures of comforting your inner child, standing between it and the critic or images of a protective parent soothing the child while your Self talks with the critic. Once your inner critic is isolated, you can speak directly to it, safe in the knowledge that the inner child is being protected. This is where the strength of Self comes in. Rather than scorning and getting angry with the critic, use compassion, curiosity and connection.

Firstly, openly thank them when they appear.

Thank you, I appreciate all you have done for me
I fully understand that you are trying to protect me
I understand the responsibility you carry.
I know you work hard for me
I understand how hard it is to let go

Ask questions (from the stance of curiosity)

I wonder what you are trying to achieve by protecting me this way? (likely answer is to avoid pain, facing change)
What would be the consequences of not calling me lazy, fat or stupid? ( the critic would have less power)
What happened that made it important for you to judge me? (the wounded child was hurt in the same way and it was triggered)

Be compassionate

I accept that you are trying to help but I would like to do this
I accept you fully and as part of me
Please trust me to lead

This process of having a direct relationship with your critics is in stark contrast to most other advice which banishes the critics with images of aggression and violence. By working with the critics, we can promote a healthy, trustful relationship with them that allows our inner child to be healed. This is not a process that happens overnight and can take some time. However, in therapy, a psychologist can promote this process and help the client come through. In my next post, we will be taking the process to the next stage..that is, the healing of the inner, wounded, criticised child.

Dr. Nicholas Jenner is a Counseling psychologist in private practice working with individuals,couples, groups and companies globally. Online therapy is, in my experience, effective for treating a number of major conditions. Are you having issues that you need to talk through? I have a range of plans that can help you get the help you need. Online Therapy details : Here ……

The Inner Critic comes in all forms

May 7, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

“I am really driven, but my drive doesn’t affect the conversations I have in my head about life, and my worries and fears and insecurities.” Zach Braff .

Following on from my last post about the early influences we experience that can form the inner critic . The concept of an inner critic is well known but most people have to deal with more than one manifestation. There might be one that attacks you for doing too much of something and another who then berates you for being lazy. The advice would be to work with each separately. I will now look at the types of inner critic that can pop up.

We all know it, only too well. It’s that inner voice, that “inner critic,” that seems always present and always keenly prepared to defeat us. When we feel happy, the voice says: “Yeah, this can’t last.” When we’re about to attempt something, it whispers: “Watch out. You’re gonna fail.” And when we do succeed, the voice dismisses: “That was just luck. It won’t happen again.” However, less known is the fact that a number of inner critics can form and work together to keep us in a hole of negativity. Understanding which ones are present and how they combine and appear can help us to counter them and reduce their power. Following are descriptions of the most common ones I have experienced in my day-to-day work.

1. I am a Perfectionist…I need 120%.

I set very high standards for your behavior, your performance and your interaction with others. My demand is that you do these things and everything else perfectly. When you fail, I will attack you and let you know frequently how not good enough you are. Sometimes my demands will mean that you don’t start something or if you do, you won’t be able to finish it for fear of failure and sometimes even success. My message is….. Don’t do anything unless it is 120% perfect. Doing nothing prevents the feelings you will have about failing and keeps my hold over you strong.

2. Trust is good, Control is better…

I will make you feel bad when you want to do something impulsive or addictive. When you are down on yourself and you overeat, use drugs or get angry, I will remind you how disgusting you really are. You see, I am in a constant battle with the impulsive critic who tells you it is ok to do such things.

3. Work, Work, Work…

I will attempt to motivate you by pushing you harder. I will remind you of how lazy, stupid or useless you are . I like to keep you in that hamster wheel for fear of you falling into the clutches of your procrastination critic.

4. Risks are bad…

I know they say that part of life is the taking of risks, the unknown is exciting but not in my book. I will try desperately to undermine your confidence and self-esteem to stop you taking those risks. You see, I am protecting you from hurt and rejection. Who needs success when you can safely do nothing? You will never amount to anything anyway, so why try?

5. Seek and Destroy…..

I am the most dangerous and powerful of your critics. I am the one who attacks your fundamental self-worth, destroying green shoots of recovery before they grow and reminding you that you should not even exist. My sole task is to wipe out your positive energy, creativity and spontaneity.

6. You should feel Guilty….

My job is to remind you of those things you have done or didn’t do or kept secret. I will tell you how guilty you should feel for hurting that person, betraying that value or repeated behavior you should feel ashamed of. I will never forgive you for what I feel you have done and you have to pay. I am only trying to help you avoid the pain by constantly keeping it in the foreground.

7. The Shaper….

I try to get you to adapt to social and family norms by telling you how few friends you have, how socially inept you are and what an outsider you are. I don’t see change as at all positive.

In order to understand the complexity of the inner critic, we must realise that as children, growing up in dysfunction, we absorbed certain things about the world and used survival mechanisms to cope. Part of the mind’s role, the more primal part, is to protect us from danger. In a sense, it is hard-wired to keep us alive and help us survive. As a result, it “records” past incidents that could cause danger and refers to this when similar incidents occur, sometimes years later. It causes us to react to the perceived danger by withdrawing, stopping or pulling back from certain activities, ( of course, this can be useful when walking out in the street in busy traffic). However, it becomes a hinderance when it holds us back from “dangers” that we are meant to “outgrow”. Indeed, the painful experiences our minds record most vividly are from our earliest years: our infancy, our childhood, even our teens. During these early formative years, we were understandably overwhelmed by the world. In our infancy, we were completely dependent; and, as such, we justly interpreted the slightest physical or emotional discomfort as a very threat to our existence. As children, any sense of separation from our parents or other comforting things triggered a sense of panic or fear of abandonment. Any dysfunction around our basic structures such as abuse, divorce, financial ruin, etc had a devastating effect . ny sense of disapproval might be interpreted as complete rejection. Later, in our adolescence, disappointments that would now seem minor felt then like our world was collapsing. Certainly, we know now that we are no longer infants or children. But because these “traumas” occurred during our most basic developmental years – when our minds were literally “looking” for patterns and associations to make sense of ourselves and our world – these fear associations can become almost instinctual and unconscious … and often fixed in time. This is where the critic(s) step in. They are trying to protect that wounded “inner child”as though we were still children and in real danger. We can assume then that the critic is a voice from the past, a voice of a young child and a “wounded” voice. So, when we do – or even consider doing – something that triggers this old association with danger (or disappointment, rejection, loss, etc.), this wounded part awakens, panics, and starts to vocalize. It will “play back” the original trauma to prevent us from re-injury. Containing and limiting the “inner critic” means working in therapy with the adult and the “child”. This is often why being harsh with your inner critic is difficult. It is part of you. A part that needs nurturing and protecting (in the right way), and most of all allowed to develop. In my next post, I will be looking at ways of siding with and befriending the critic.

Origins of an Inner Critic: Early influence

April 29, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

Depression teaches us that we are not deserving of a normal, fruitful life. We go through long periods of believing that there is something inherently wrong with us. One of the major factors in this process is the formation of an inner critic which is a major underlying cause of depression and low self-esteem. In a new series of posts looking at the inner critic, I will be analysing how it is responsible for sending negative messages, causing feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, how it drives us on with perfectionist thoughts and how we can eventually turn our inner critic into our inner champion.The inner critic is often formed when childhood situations and interaction with caregivers lead to our inner child being wounded and replaced by the inner critic values. How does this happen?

Criticism from caregivers:

Criticism or judgement by parents or caregivers, especially when given in a harsh manner can turn an innocent child into one who believes that they are wrong, inadequate and worthless. If this is accompanied by physical or verbal abuse, then the Inner Child becomes traumatized. All parents set behavior standards for their children concerning such as performing a certain level, not showing emotion, behaving “properly” or in their interaction with others. If love and affection are only given when these standards are met, or even worse withdrawn when not, it has a devastating impact on the inner child. Parents often become frustrated when unrealistic tasks and expectations are not met, this is seen by the child as judgment. Criticism is often used as a motivation to do better as is comparison with more successful peers. Sometimes success is not recognised and mistakes emphasised as a “lesson” and praise is not given appropriately. These actions repeatedly used can wound the inner child and promote feelings of low self-esteem.

Internalization

We often find that our inner critic criticises us in the same a parent did . That is how we think that it is perhaps a mirror image of our critical caregiver. It is usually much more complicated than this. If it was that simple, we could just ignore the critic and get on with it. To make it more complicated, the critic often has its own motivation for judging you in the same way as a parent. Take for example, a mother who constantly is critical of a child for untidiness and this was internalized. The critic would also judge the subsequent adult when they are untidy but for a different reason. To understand this, we have to realise that an inner critic’s prime function is to protect us from harm, sometimes dysfunctionally. When the critic judges in the case above, it is modeling the parent but also trying to protect from the parent. This is dysfunctional in the sense that it is trying to protect from something that happened years ago but the fact that it is basically trying to help means that potentially, it can be worked with.

Ridicule

There are caregivers who find it appropriate to shame and ridicule their children for fun or as a punishment measure. This causes the child to carry this embarrassment into their adult life. As noted above, this would then result in the inner critic causing embarrassment to avoid situations where it could happen. This embarrassment can also be transferred via the parents if there was a sense of shame or difficulty concerning religion, financial status or race. The child tends to “feel” with the parents in this case. This can be consolidated by parental attempts to keep children “in a box” of social acceptance.

Discipline

Parents often punitively punish children when they feel they have done something that puts them in danger. Running away from the parents in a busy street, going to close to a fire are examples of this which need to be stopped and lessons learnt from. However, if parents overreact and engage in punitive discipline , they may have stopped the activity but the inner child can be harmed in the process. Additionally, when parents try to stop natural activities and impulses when children play with others in a demeaning and humiliating way, an inner critic could be formed full of guilt and low self-esteem.

Rejection

The slightest indication that a child is being rejected or parental affection is being withdrawn can form a critic that blames the child in an attempt to forge a connection with the parent. The critic reminds the child that is essential that parents are part of their life, that if they fight back, they will lose their parent and they will be abandoned. They subsequently go on to take the blame for the rejection. This often leads to the fact that a child takes the blame for everything such as illness in the parent or dispute in the family. Children then take on the massive responsibility of thinking that they have to change themselves to change the situation. As parents are models early in life, when children see that there are problems, they believe that they are not ok because they seem to be different to the parent or the parent is displeased on a regular basis.

All of the factors highlighted above can be found in adults to a lesser or greater degree depending on how wounded the inner child was. They can range from mild self-esteem issues to crippling feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy, right through to intense mental pain. In my next post, I will be looking at types of inner critic and their motives.

Accepting Failure and Learning from it

April 14, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.

Failure is something we all must come to terms with. Businesses and relationships fail to make it, targets are missed, and expectations dashed. However, failure and disappointment are part of the human experience and in order to achieve the goals in life we set ourselves, a healthy dose of failure is sure to be part of the process. But we don’t often allow ourselves the luxury of being able to fail in order to succeed. By thinking like this, we lose the chance to learn valuable lessons. There is a lot to be said for the thought that there are no failures in life, just successes and learning experiences. Sometimes we make mistakes and others let us down and it is important to realise that this is possible without damning ourselves. When we do, the danger is that we can revert to negative thinking patterns when we experience failure or disappointment, we attach those feelings to our general view of ourselves and we become cognitively and emotionally unhealthy. I have worked with many clients who feel that failure defines them but I always say that even if you have failed, you are not a failure as a person. However, it is easy to think this at times but understanding that failure is all part of the exciting world we live in can open up a new healthier way of looking at the world.

Accepting that Failure and Disappointment exist

We live in a world of perfectionist thinking. The world’s media bombard us with perfect images of people situations and life in general, giving the general impression that life is easy under most conditions. We are expected to be as perfect as possible in the workplace and juggle this with the perfect relationship. Even in the majority of schools, competitive sports have been pushed out of the curriculum to avoid children “failing”. In all of these scenarios, failure is seen as unacceptable, something to be avoided at all costs or only experienced by “weak” people. However, as we all know, life is difficult, and we will all need to deal with failure at one stage of our lives but there is a positive side to failure and it can hold the key to success. Failure, taken the right way can be an aid to personal development, growth and learning. In Eastern philosophies, good and bad, life and death, success and failure are given equal weight because they are part of the natural cycle of things. The problem is not the event but our reactions to them. This is in total contrast to our western view of things.

What happens when Failure happens?

Failure can trigger many different emotions and they range on a spectrum between healthy and unhealthy. The unhealthy emotions usually tend to be driven by beliefs that will make you feel stuck, hopeless and unable to move. The healthy emotions will make you feel pain and stress and cause you to reflect but will allow you to look at the failure objectively and move on and there is usually a process that needs to be worked through to get to this stage. Firstly, the unhealthy emotions can bring a numbness, denial and a feeling of disbelief, even sometimes feeling no emotion at all. All showing that failure was not factored in. Not showing any reaction to failure is also unhealthy and could show that something deeper is at work. This initial shock should last a few days at most and then the negative emotions can be felt. This is a vital experience and a natural one. It is normal to feel out of sorts and vulnerable during this stage and even at this stage, it is hard to distinguish healthy and unhealthy reactions so it important is allow feelings to come out and seek support from friends, loved ones or a professional. It is also normal to experience a limited period of irrationality as the failure is accepted and worked through. If any part of this process lingers, professional help should be sought.

Deeper feelings after Failure

1. Anxiety : Anxiety is an unhealthy response to threat or danger. After failure, there may be the fear of further failure and this can exaggerate emotions. The opposite of this is concern. Even though both are fear-based emotions, one is immobilizing and the other is realistic. Anxiety can be extremely negative for recovery and can cause feelings of hopelessness, lack of coping skills and feelings that running away is the best option. Anxiety can be tackled by facing the things that caused the anxiety in the first place and changing thinking patterns if needed.

2. Depression : Depression can occur when failure keeps us stuck in negativity and the future seems hopeless. We see the failure in the terms of loss and apply the feelings felt from the failure to ourselves and our abilities. It is easy during this phase to ruminate, dwell on past failures and an imagined future of hopelessness. Depression is the natural consequence of not dealing with anxiety and are often experienced together, maybe in the form of a vicious circle when a sufferer becomes anxious about being depressed. It is safe to say that sadness is a very appropriate feeling after failure and should not be assumed depressive. The difference is that sadness can still allow us to see the future as hopeful.

How to accept Failure

Accepting failure means accepting the very thing that makes us human: our own fallibility. No-one is perfect and despite what we sometimes think, perfection doesn’t exist. Striving for excellence and to be as good as we can exists but perfection means that nothing better is possible. Many who believe that they have reached the level when nothing can be better and on the same level as those who believe that nothing worse can happen. Life teaches us that something better or worse can always happen. Neither of these views are consistent with reality. The process of accepting failure can be looked at from three angles: Failure, failing and the individual’s role in the process. Failure is tangible. It is easy to find evidence to tell us that we have failed. We didn’t reach the target at work, the relationship ended, we still have that weight on. However, we are not so good at recognising when we are failing. We are taught to keep going, everything will be ok as long as we see it through. Only weak people give up. Persistence is a strength. We have heard it all and all heard it. However, being focussed on a goal should not mean that the option of stopping at some point and trying something else should be out of the question. That is where the individual’s role comes in. How far down this line people go is individual and the decision to quit often comes too late. If you feel that the process is failing, it is very important to ask yourself, perhaps with professional help, whether decisions have to be made.

How to deal with Failure

It is only when failure is accepted and attitudes towards it are changed, will it become a catalyst for success. When this happens, fear is reduced and creative ability comes through. Fear of failure can also be reduced by letting go of unhealthy demands concerning success or failure. In doing so, motivation can come for the right reasons, that is to want to do something rather than must do it. Letting go of the demand that you must succeed enables you to look at things in a more constructive, objective way. Look at these tips for overcoming failure and learning from the experience.

1. Be honest with yourself : This is essential if lessons are to be learnt. Blaming others, situations or conditions will not help and will reinforce dysfunctional thinking. Without accepting your role in the failure, no learning can be had.

2. Feel the emotion: It is important to realise that with any setback comes the accompanying emotions. Feeling these is human and natural and should be embraced. A period of time should be taken to feel these emotions but it is also important to keep them realistic and not catastrophise them. Once this process is over, you can move on to learning and planning.

3. Learn : Once you are in the position to do so, the setback can be reviewed and lessons constructively drawn from it. Working on the basis that no-one is perfect, it is important to continue assessing personal responsibility. What could I have done differently? Were my expectations unrealistic?

4, Plan: What do you do with the lessons learnt? What better than to develop a contingency plan to cope next time? Do you need additional skills, more help, a change in thinking? Also learn the signs that tell when action needs to be taken. Am I failing? Are we failing? What can we do? What do I need to make a decision?.

How to help a depressed loved one.

April 8, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

I once read an extremely interesting article claiming the following : “Depression doesn’t go away for everyone. There is a percentage of people who will suffer from it on and off for their entire lives. They will take medication, have therapy and be able to talk about it but it will always be there in the background”

If this is truly the case and I tend to think it is then it begs the question…for how many people is this true? Global statistics concerning the rates of depression increase every year and there are those who seem to stay depressed despite years of medication, different types of therapy and changes in circumstances. In many cases, depression actually is the result of habitual negative thoughts. When bad things happen, we begin chastising ourselves with thoughts such as: I’m no good, I’m a total failure or Nothing ever goes my way. Our feelings follow what we are thinking, and negative thoughts like these can send us spiraling down into depression. This is a cycle that leads to habitual depression and is extremely difficult to treat with medication alone. However, this is sadly often the way. Sufferers are often left with a damaging cycle of fear of the next attack and find themselves unable to enjoy the few break from the illness.

Having a continually depressed family member can put a huge strain on a family and dealing with the illness on a daily basis can be frustrating. I know from experience that the interaction with family members (or the lack of it) goes a long way to helping or hindering a sufferer. Many still live with the idea that depression can be cured “by getting on with it” or that sufferers “need to be pushed”. These outdated views can be disastrous for someone who is struggling with the self-esteem issues that often go along with depression. The most important thing any family member can do for the depressed person is to offer emotional support. This involves listening without judging, and demonstrating understanding, patience, affection, and encouragement . The second most important thing is to help him or her get an appropriate diagnosis and treatment. If you are the spouse or parent, and play the role of primary care–giver for the family member suffering from depression, your role is the most crucial of all. Some suggestions for successfully managing your role include:

Be Realistic: Understand that depression won’t just go away on its own or be ‘cured’ overnight. Your help, and the commitment of the rest of your family, must be there for the long term. Treatment, which usually consists of behavioral therapy and/or antidepressant medication, requires a dedicated, ongoing effort. Keeping your expectations — and the expectations of the depressed family member — realistic means you both realize that neither is perfect or able to satisfy every need of the other.

Keep Communicating: Sharing intimate feelings, desires, and hopes in any relationship can be challenging, and the added dimension of coping with depression can lead to additional mistrust, anger, and frustration. Don’t be afraid to keep your lines of communication open. Look for ways to solve problems as a team, and make sure the person suffering from depression knows you are there for them for the long haul. Balance the needs of the depressed family member with needs of your own, and don’t work against each other.

Don’t Take It Personally: The effects of depression can put even the healthiest relationships to the test. As couples or families try to cope with depression, family roles and interactions change, and financial status, social and work routines can be disrupted. Remember that the actions of a family member suffering from depression result from depression, and are not aimed against you or the family personally. Keep in mind that mixed feelings are common in those battling depression, but focus on the goal of well–being for the depressed family member.

Don’t Forget About Yourself: It’s a natural tendency for a caregiver to focus all of his or her efforts and attention on the person suffering from depression However, when that happens the caregiver’s own life can suffer dramatically. Try to make sure that your needs are being met. You’re not being selfish when you ask for help from other family members, friends, or support groups. When the depressed person isn’t feeling like a burden to you, it will benefit you both. Dealing with depression requires ongoing effort, and the more help you have, the better will be your results.

For family members in general, the following tips can provide a useful framework for assisting in the depressed person’s recovery:

Acknowledge that the family member is suffering from a real illness and that getting better is a priority for everyone
Understand that depression can change the family member’s behavior, and that he or she may at times have a negative outlook
Don’t ignore remarks about suicide. Report them to the depressed person’s therapist
Recognize that all family members must adjust to new responsibilities, both inside and outside the household
Set a good example for the depressed family member and others by avoiding alcohol and tobacco, and eating a healthy, balanced diet, and exercising regularly. A healthy body is more resistant to mental and physical illnesses.
Don’t accuse the depressed person of faking illness or of laziness, or expect him or her “to snap out of it.” Eventually, with treatment, most people do get better. Keep that in mind, and keep reassuring the depressed person that, with time and help, he or she will feel better.
Invite the depressed family member out for walks, to the movies, and other activities. Be gently encouraging if your invitation is refused. Encourage participation in activities that once gave pleasure, such as hobbies, sports, religious or cultural activities, but do not push the depressed person to undertake too much too soon. The depressed person needs diversion and company, but too many demands can increase feelings of failure.

Depression is a real illness that afflicts nearly 20 million people in the United States alone each year. With proper treatment, and the support of a dedicated family, the chances of recovery are very good.

Depressive Thinking Part 2 : Depression and Perfectionism

March 23, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

In the second of a series of posts about depressive thinking, I am looking today at the role of perfectionism and how perfectionist thinking can create a cycle that can lead to depression.

Perfectionism can mean many things to many people. It can be seen as striving for excellence. It can mean a controlling attitude but more often it means holding on to unattainable standards that demand unyielding compliance from self, others and situations. This is more than just having an eye for details or suffering disappointment due to not reaching a target, it is an attitude that promotes stress and psychological strain, ultimately, depression. When depression is involved, a cycle of negative emotions and states such as high expectations, fear and anxiety, fear of rejection and blame and procrastination come into play. This causes a barrage of self-talk ( I must, should) with blame ( I am awful, terrible) and promotes and maintains depressive thoughts.

Let’s look at how this works. perfectionists often dread the thought of failing to meet their lofty targets with a passion. This causes them to experience anxiety at the thought of performing poorly and having to deal with inevitable missing of goals. The paradox is that this thinking leads to a focus on perceived imperfections that apparently caused the failure. This results in negative self-talk, self-downing and a downward depressive spiral, affecting self-worth and self-esteem. Perfectionists often find it difficult to allow themselves breathing space in their pursuit of perfection and the fact that human fallibility is a normal part of life gets lost on them. The sad truth is that perfectionists judge their self-value on their own idea of success and failure. Some very successful people berate themselves constantly for not achieving more than they have. For many people, perfectionism is total. It is not enough to do as well as others, they have to stand out. It is not enough to perform typically, they MUST be the best. It is not enough to have a tidy home, it MUST be spotless. When perfection becomes a condition for personal worth, it inevitably leads to a slippery slope of predictable emotional consequences and responses.

Perfectionists are often identified by the language they use. Words like “should”, “must”, “have to” “require” “expect” are all part of a perfectionist’s vocabulary. These words can, of course be used without making demands but added them to lofty expectations, trouble is in store. They often provoke guilt and shame because unrealistic rigid demands were not met. In therapy, one of the approaches against this is to replace these demanding words with ones less threatening and emotional. “Expect” becomes “would prefer”, “must” becomes “aspire to”, “should” becomes “hope to” and so on. The use of softer language and taking a more realistic approach to life (and self) is key to lessening the demands of perfectionism.

Realism as a Counter to Perfectionism

As a CBT therapist, I deal in realism. What that means is that in therapy, my clients come to realize that life is not always easy with various ups and downs and things are not going to be great all the time. It is how we deal with the downs that determine how good the ups will be. This is an essential mindset to take if recovery from perfectionism is to take place. If we can be mostly satisfied with who we are, what we are doing and who with are with most of the time, then life is really not so bad. Contrast that with the unreal, perfectionist world where the prize of achievement is never reached.

When I take on a new client with signs of perfectionism, one of the first assignments they get is to fill in Daily Mood Sheets. This is a wonderful instrument that charts reaction to perfectionist thinking, looks at the automatic thoughts and behavior that follows and then gives the client a chance to look at the situation from a different angle. The biggest hurdle to these sheets is the ability to look at things realistically. Once this is learnt, ( and it can take some time) a mindset clicks in that is one of acceptance that things won’t and can’t always go our way. This is the idea behind realistic thinking, that we accept that life will not always be as we want it to be . However, only replacing vocabulary in your mind is not likely to do the trick. Part of this process means moving from being self-absorbant to self-observant, questioning the very things that are driving perfectionist values. If you think that you must have or do something, the question could be “why is this the case? Is there an alternative, can I accept less?”. Perfectionist thoughts can also be logged on a continuum. For example, If you didn’t reach a target, you can use terms such as ” I got 60% of what I aimed for”, much better than “I failed”.

Perfectionism is addressable by using and applying cognitive tools. Positive change can be had when thinking is changed and self worth is separated from the requirement to do things perfectly. If you constantly hear your inner critic berating you for not getting or doing that extra 20%, you have noticed your perfectionist beliefs. Discrediting and disputing these values and finding realistic evidence to prove them wrong is a key part of recovery. As humans, we are inherently imperfect. We have the ability to fail without ever being a failure. We sometimes just need to think it and believe it.

Breaking that Depressive Thinking with CBT Part 1 : Procrastination- Depression Cycle

March 17, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

In the first of a series of posts about how depressive and pessimistic thinking can cause major issues in life, today I look at procrastination and how it fuels depression and vice versa. Procrastination can be defined as that invisible wall in front of you, stopping you moving on and using effective methods for beating depressive thinking. Incredibly, in 2010, the APA, in its annual Stress in America report, failed to identify procrastination as a major factor in why people do not follow through on programmes designed to beat stress and pressure. This is even more incredible when survey participants recognised a lack of willpower in healthy lifestyle changes. Most said that this willpower was diminished due to lack of energy and confidence and once one was increased, the other increased too. I think you can see the pattern. In this post, I would like to show that depression and procrastination go hand in hand and need to be tackled simultaneously.

What is procrastination ?

Business people define procrastination as the delaying of deadlines. However, a more serious form is the putting off of personally relevant activities for change. This can have a devastating effect on life and our view of it and ourselves. Procrastination is a process or a series of steps employed to avoid facing fears, situations, possible failure and even possible success. Put simply it is an automatic habit of putting off a timely and relevant activity to another day, month or some undefined time in the future. These timely and relevant activities are replaced with easier or simpler tasks. The link with depression comes when you put off making those necessary changes that might pull you out of depression, often with the thought that you are too weak to face the issues or fears. When depressed, you may view getting started on these changes as overwhelming or impossible or even hopeless. But we must remember that depression and procrastination have overlapping features:

Both make you feel uncomfortable at the thought of taking relevant action, making it more likely that we will put off changes.
Both contain elements of rumination and reanalysis, dwelling on depressive thoughts or substituting needed action for “pleasure” activities.
Both have us engaging in self-talk such as “why bother?”

Cognitive, Emotional and Behavioral Aspects

The cognitive aspect of procrastination is well-known. There is always some form of justification found for delaying the pain and the dysfunctional thinking that conditions might be better at some later date. You may tell yourself that dealing with depression is something that can be done later when more inspiration is there or that you are under too much stress to deal with it now. This way we can easily con ourselves into thinking that we are making a planning decision. Procrastination gives us false optimism that things will eventually be right enough to tackle activities. Linked with depression, it holds nothing but false pessimism such as ” I can’t do that” or “I don’t have the energy”. Talking like this means you are stuck in the procrastination-depression cycle of thinking. To change this, you have to change the way you organise your thinking. If you have the energy to think depressing thoughts, you also have enough to think proactively. You can also define timescales. For example, tell yourself, you will undertake that activity at at certain time in the day, for example 3pm (but then it has to be done). This makes the task definable and manageable and you can stop procrastination taking over.

The best way to get yourself out of the cycle is to challenge the inner critic who is fuelling your thinking. Simply do the opposite of what the inner critic tells you. For example : You have to face a task that you have been putting off and you have no desire to do it but you know you have to. The inner critic might convince you that it is ok to sit and read the newspaper or watch tv or do anything else instead. You can still do this but challenging means first the task and then the newspaper and tv.

What are the emotional aspects of procrastination? Well, it plays on our mood for sure, especially when we beat ourselves up for delaying a task which in turn, gives us discomfort. When depression is involved, those thoughts and discomfort are magnified out of all proportion and more things get pushed aside. We often believe that our happiness and depression is conditional on feeling good. This is what is known as a contingency procrastination cycle where we make our ability to do things and move on conditional to how we are feeling. If you are depressed and apply this, this ability will never reappear. Accepting this will allow you to give yourself the tolerance that you need to start. You may not feel better straight away but surely later as a by-product of taking action. It is often useful to look at the consequences of doing something against the consequences of not doing something, which are often greater.

Behavioral diversions are a key aspect of procrastination in the fact that we tend to replace needed action with something less pressing. These are generally worthless, time-wasting activities that side-track us from doing what we need to do. Some fine examples of these are napping, quarrelling, watching hours of tv and ruminating. When depression is added, these activities seem even more appealing. Hard as it is, activity is a great remedy for depression (and procrastination). The result of delaying and endless time-wasting can promote hopelessness and stress.

Help yourself out of Depression and Procrastination

1. “Just Do It” : When we are depressed we tend to isolate ourselves from friends and society in general. This also includes many of the activities we take for granted in our daily lives. This, to the extreme can mean lonliness and isolation. Getting back into these daily activities can be difficult and overwhelming. Robert Heller, Florida psychologist believes that breaking the pattern of behavior associated with the isolation is key to recovery. He advocates a “Just do it” approach. He suggests keeping a daily log of the things you do and to gradually add activities, regardless of whether you feel you want to do them. By reviewing this regularly, one can see gaps where activities can be placed like, saying hello to someone, approaching a friend or shopping every day for an item instead of once a week.

2. Increase Activity : People often believe that once they start to pull out of depression, they will start to catch-up on the activities they have stopped doing. Unfortunately, this is usually a case of shutting the door after the horse has bolted. Research tells us that the very things that have been neglected during depressive spirals are the things that will get us out of it. However, procrastination often takes over but will graded exposure to activities, it can be overcome. I often ask my clients to name a small thing they are prepared to do in the week between sessions and commit to it. This can be started of in a small way and gradually increased.

3. Paradoxical Thinking: If we convince ourselves that by delaying a task, we will feel better, we will repeat that habit over and over. It relieves the stress we are feeling at that moment and procrastination brings reward. Convincing yourself that procrastination will bring rewards is paradoxical thinking. It will bring exactly the opposite of what you hoped. Keeping contact with friends and family when depressed helps the depression in the long run but momentarily it seems better to stay away. Another example of this kind of thinking is when we tell ourselves that we cannot undertake anything until we feel inspired..can you see the chicken-egg theory here? This cycle can be broken by reversing the reward system you have set up for yourself. For example, you could reward yourself every time you resist the impulse to procrastinate. If you must work in the garden but want to watch tv, work for an hour in the garden and reward yourself by watching tv. Reward yourself with something pleasurable each time you avoid procrastination.

Getting Started with Online Therapy…Easy as 1,2,3

March 14, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

Getting the help you need is easier than you think. Starting online therapy means communication with your therapist….not a secretary…..not a form…..no sitting in a waiting room….no trips into town…. a simple process. Here is how it works:

Make that appointment: You may have been feeling that life is becoming more difficult. Work is getting on top of you or there are problems in the family. You may just have days where nothing seems to function or you may be worried or anxious about aspects of your life. Maybe even going through major life changes. You know you need to talk to someone but making that decision is difficult. However, it is an important first step……Can it be easier than this?

Simply contact me via email or phone and arrange a convenient time for a free, no obligation initial 60 minute session via video conference or phone.

During your first consultation, you will have the opportunity to present your issues in a comfortable, positive but realistic atmosphere. I realise how difficult it might have been for you to come this far.

Your first appointment with me is primarily an information-gathering session . I need to learn a lot about you and your history in a short amount of time in order to properly evaluate your concerns and arrive at a possible diagnosis. Since diagnosis often helps guide treatment, it’s an important part of the process. Your story is indeed your own and a very personal one at that. Despite what you may have read, a person is not simply a diagnosis. Nor do professionals look at people who come to them that way. They look at each and every person as a unique individual who is in pain and needs help. I will place a lot of emphasis on your current issues because they are usually the ones that can have an immediate effect but these usually hide deeper problems which I will also like to find out about. Many people will leave their first session alternately feeling: relieved, horrified, peaceful, even more anxious, and hopeful, or any combination of these feelings and more. However, most who continue find the process of therapy rewarding and enriching.

Where do you go from here? At the end of the initial consultation, we will discuss my diagnosis and your options. This diagnosis might be a tentative one if the issues presented are complicated or information is lacking.Once we’ve completed the free initial consultation, therapy focuses in on your goals and what brings you to counseling. The therapy hour is your space to safely explore themes, issues, and experiences that are important to you. My approach to therapy is collaborative, in that, I do not assume that I know what is best for you or how we should get there. I support you in moving in the direction you want to live. The first session gives me an idea of where we need to go and this continues to evolve as we work together.

I have a range of affordable monthly plans that cover all budgets. This can be done via video, phone or if preferred, via mail.

More details Here

Facts and Myths about Suicide.

March 8, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

Look at these startling facts about suicide rates: Source WHO:

Every year, almost one million people die from suicide; a “global” mortality rate of 16 per 100,000, or one death every 40 seconds.
In the last 45 years suicide rates have increased by 60% worldwide. Suicide is among the three leading causes of death among those aged 15-44 years in some countries, and the second leading cause of death in the 10-24 years age group; these figures do not include suicide attempts which are up to 20 times more frequent than completed suicide.
Suicide worldwide is estimated to represent 1.8% of the total global burden of disease in 1998, and 2.4% in countries with market and former socialist economies in 2020.
Although traditionally suicide rates have been highest among the male elderly, rates among young people have been increasing to such an extent that they are now the group at highest risk in a third of countries, in both developed and developing countries.
Mental disorders (particularly depression and alcohol use disorders) are a major risk factor for suicide in Europe and North America; however, in Asian countries impulsiveness plays an important role. Suicide is complex with psychological, social, biological, cultural and environmental factors involved

The subject of suicide is always heavily covered in the news . Mainly due to the time of year where most people believe suicide numbers rise (though some studies suggest otherwise) but also due to well publicised suicides of an ex-sportspeople and a number of celebrities `coming out` about depression and attempted suicide. While some of the stories have to be seen in the context that any publicity is good publicity, it does highlight the issue that suicide rates are rising. Statistics from the WHO say that over one million people commit suicide every year and this figure is rising every year. That is one death every forty seconds and a sixty per cent rise since 1945. One factor in this is clearly our modern, hectic lifestyle which cares little for emotional well-being. It is also strongly believed that other factors including living conditions, cultural and family restrictions as well as religion play a major role. Alarmingly, suicide amongst young people aged between 15 and 25 is on an all time global high. Interestingly, there are approximately twenty million attempted suicides per year, according to the WHO meaning that 1 in 20 actually achieve their aim.

One of the main features of some of the more recent stories of suicide in the media has been that suicide was committed by people who seemingly had everything to live for and showed no signs of depression, worry or any kind of problem beforehand. One must then ask, was it planned or was it just an explosion of feelings that lead to the ultimate in spontaneous death? Many times, these questions can never be answered and loved ones and friends left behind torture themselves with thoughts of uncertainty, guilt and anguish. Is it however possible that someone ends their life so brutally without a long catalogue of problems? We can only speculate about this but an analysis of suicide notes (WHO) suggests that many times one single event pushed an otherwise depressed person over the edge. However as much as we speculate, suicide is one of the most perplexing aspects of human behavior. There are also many myths surrounding the subject :

Myth: People who talk about suicide don’t do it. Fact: Talking about suicide can be an appeal for help. Most people usually communicate their intentions to suicide to another person, either directly or indirectly. This could include dropping hints about suicide, talking about death or dying, or writing a poem. If not responded to, the person’s thoughts could progress to action – a suicide attempt. All talk of suicide should therefore be taken seriously and acknowledged as such to the suicidal person. People who talk about suicide should be encouraged to talk further and seek professional support.

Myth: Once a person decides to complete suicide, there is nothing anyone can do to stop them. Fact: The suicidal crisis represents a cry for help rather than a wish to die. A part of the person wants to live and a part wants to die. With help the person can be encouraged towards life. If the person receives the help he or she is seeking, an attempt is less likely. Suicidal crises can be relatively short-lived. To protect the person during this time: stay with the person, listen to their struggle and encourage them to keep safe. Help the person to access professional support, as many people do move beyond seeing death as an option with professional assistance.

Myth: All deaths are preventable. Fact: Despite our best efforts to help a person at risk of suicide, some people who attempt suicide will die as a result of their actions.

Myth: Suicides happen without any warning/ are spontaneous acts/ people keep their plans to themselves. Fact: Studies have indicated that as many as eight out of ten people give warning of their intention to suicide. More often, this intention is not recognised rather than hidden.

Myth: Talking openly about suicide increases the risk. Fact: It is important not to treat suicide as a taboo subject. Raising the issue sensitively and asking directly about suicide gives the person at risk permission to speak about his or her distress, and demonstrates to the person that you care. Rather than feeling worse, the person at risk could feel relieved if the issue of suicide is raised in a caring and non-judgmental manner. This could prevent action and increase the chances of the person at risk seeking further help.

Myth: People who talk about suicide/ make a nonfatal suicide attempt are just seeking attention. Fact: All suicidal thoughts and behaviours are a cry for help that need to be listened to and responded to. We cannot make assumptions about the person’s intentions and need to take this seriously. Anyone distressed enough to talk about or attempt suicide needs professional support. Addressing the underlying problems through talking with a professional helper could reduce the likelihood of future attempts.

Myth: Suicidal people always want to die. Fact: The majority of people who attempt suicide are confused about whether they want to live or die. Most people want to live better and happier lives but need relief from the intense emotional pain they are experiencing. If people in the midst of a suicidal crisis were certain that they wanted to die, they would not be communicating their distress to others. In communicating their distress to others in this way, suicidal people are actually reaching out for help to ease their emotional pain.

Let me leave you with a few choice quotes on the subject:

“Suicide is a whispered word, inappropriate for polite company. Family and friends often pretend they do not hear the word’s dread sound even when it is uttered. For suicide is a taboo subject that stigmatize not only the victim but the survivors as well “. EARL A. GROLLMAN, Suicide

“The reality of suicide is far different from the fantasy. Most suicidal thinkers romanticize their death by suicide, failing to realize that any suicide gesture or attempt can result in permanent brain, kidney, or liver damage, loss of limbs, blindness, or even death”. SUSAN ROSE BLAUNER, How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me

If you are feeling suicidal or know someone who is..there is always help at hand. http://www.suicidehotlines.com/

The best of today from Psychology Today

March 3, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

Too Much TV May Make Your Child Anti-Social

Childhood television viewing linked to anti-social behavior in adulthood

Published on March 2, 2013 by Dennis Rosen, M.D. in Sleeping Angels

The American Academy of Pediatrics is just one group among many which strongly recommends restricting the amount of time children spend in front of the television. There are good reasons for this recommendation, as regular readers of this blog already know.The more time children spend watching TV, the less sleep they’re likely to get, the less likely they are to be physically active, the less likely they are to read, and the more likely they are to suffer from overweight and obesity.

Are Affairs Really Worth It?

Before embarking on an affair (or a marriage), read this book!

Published on March 2, 2013 by Jenni Ogden, Ph.D. in Trouble in Mind

The Mess of Infidelity

I am a book lover and a fan of Goodreads, which is where I record my own book reviews and read the reviews of others. Reading, after all, fits all the criteria of my Psychology Today blog title, “Brains, Books and Being Happy”. Reading (and writing even more so) are good for the brain, and both reading and writing books have a place way at the top of my list for making me happy. But it is a rare book I think is so important for our psyche and our potential happiness that I think it worth reviewing here.

3 More Ways to Stop Screaming at Your Kids

By better understanding your anger as a parent, you will yell less.

Published on March 1, 2013 by Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. in Liking the Child You Love

Here are some more powerful, effective tips from my book 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child to help you avoid the yelling trap with your child or teen

Read More…
Dr. Nicholas Jenner is a Counseling psychologist in private practice working with individuals,couples, groups and companies globally. Online therapy is, in my experience, effective for treating a number of major conditions. Are you having issues that you need to talk through? I have a range of plans that can help you get the help you need. Online Therapy details : Here …… Take advantage of the “online therapy” tester. Try the first three sessions for free. Contact me for more details.

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Your True Self will help with the Inner Critic.

The Inner Critic comes in all forms

Origins of an Inner Critic: Early influence

Accepting Failure and Learning from it

How to help a depressed loved one.

Depressive Thinking Part 2 : Depression and Perfectionism

Breaking that Depressive Thinking with CBT Part 1 : Procrastination- Depression Cycle

Getting Started with Online Therapy…Easy as 1,2,3

Facts and Myths about Suicide.

The best of today from Psychology Today

Too Much TV May Make Your Child Anti-Social

Are Affairs Really Worth It?

3 More Ways to Stop Screaming at Your Kids

Follow “Boundaries of the Soul”

Dr Nicholas Jenner

Contact me directly

Contact me for Therapy

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