Your True Self will help with the Inner Critic.

May 11, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

There are a range of books that tell us how to deal with our family of inner critics. Most centre on mantras and progressively aggressive language to deal with them. While this can be useful, we have to remember that by isolating the critic and pushing it away, we are maybe losing an ideal opportunity to work with it. Working on the theory that it is trying to protect the inner child that was wounded and criticised, we can safely say that it is trying to help, albeit in some dysfunctional way. Getting to know and connecting with a critic or critics is a much more effective way of dealing with them and eventually lessening the grip they have.

One of the key aspects in this process is the discovery of the Self. This is the pure part of us that shines through and guides us when we are not being tormented by the host of inner critics that exist within us. It can be said that we are either in Self (curious, open, compassionate) or in torment(taken over by pain and insecurity) at any given time. Finding the Self is the key to healing and seeing the world in a different light. When this can happen, the natural qualities that embody the Self will shine through. For example, the Self promotes connection, helping you to interact socially. You are drawn to meet other people, join groups and be part of the community. The Self also likes to connect with our inner critics, helping to engage with them and aid healing. The Self is interested and inquisitive. It helps you to take natural risks in life, to be interested in people without judging and promotes an understanding of new things. It is also interested in how your inner critics work and why they react the way they do. Finally, the Self is compassionate and helps you to be compassionate towards others and yourself.

To be help the Self shine through, we first have to understand that our inner critics are not aware that the Self exists and feel they need to control to keep us safe. They are fully ignorant of the fact that underneath it all is a part of us that is fully able to deal with life’s issues. They are still in young and scary mode where the inner child is being protected from hurt and rejection. This is the only way they know. They do not trust that the adult can handle situations that the wounded and criticised child couldn’t, so they step in when triggered and take over. They tell us to avoid conflict, not to take risks or act socially..all in the name of protecting the child within us. True healing takes place when we can appreciate and work with the inner critics, rather than pushing them aside to get to the inner child. These critics have been working tirelessly for years helping us to avoid our childhood pain and when we connect with them and appreciate what they tried to do, they can step back and trust us to take over. . To be able to connect with and understand our inner critics, we must be in Self mode and this is done through a process called unblending. When we can accept that the inner critics are protecting our inner child and an attack happens, we can do various things to sooth the inner child. We can comfort it directly with compassion, letting know that you understand the pain and hurt it feels. You can reassure it that the Self will be interacting with the critic and will help it to understand. You can also use imagery to conjure up pictures of comforting your inner child, standing between it and the critic or images of a protective parent soothing the child while your Self talks with the critic. Once your inner critic is isolated, you can speak directly to it, safe in the knowledge that the inner child is being protected. This is where the strength of Self comes in. Rather than scorning and getting angry with the critic, use compassion, curiosity and connection.

Firstly, openly thank them when they appear.

Thank you, I appreciate all you have done for me
I fully understand that you are trying to protect me
I understand the responsibility you carry.
I know you work hard for me
I understand how hard it is to let go

Ask questions (from the stance of curiosity)

I wonder what you are trying to achieve by protecting me this way? (likely answer is to avoid pain, facing change)
What would be the consequences of not calling me lazy, fat or stupid? ( the critic would have less power)
What happened that made it important for you to judge me? (the wounded child was hurt in the same way and it was triggered)

Be compassionate

I accept that you are trying to help but I would like to do this
I accept you fully and as part of me
Please trust me to lead

This process of having a direct relationship with your critics is in stark contrast to most other advice which banishes the critics with images of aggression and violence. By working with the critics, we can promote a healthy, trustful relationship with them that allows our inner child to be healed. This is not a process that happens overnight and can take some time. However, in therapy, a psychologist can promote this process and help the client come through. In my next post, we will be taking the process to the next stage..that is, the healing of the inner, wounded, criticised child.

Dr. Nicholas Jenner is a Counseling psychologist in private practice working with individuals,couples, groups and companies globally. Online therapy is, in my experience, effective for treating a number of major conditions. Are you having issues that you need to talk through? I have a range of plans that can help you get the help you need. Online Therapy details : Here ……

The Inner Critic comes in all forms

May 7, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

“I am really driven, but my drive doesn’t affect the conversations I have in my head about life, and my worries and fears and insecurities.” Zach Braff .

Following on from my last post about the early influences we experience that can form the inner critic . The concept of an inner critic is well known but most people have to deal with more than one manifestation. There might be one that attacks you for doing too much of something and another who then berates you for being lazy. The advice would be to work with each separately. I will now look at the types of inner critic that can pop up.

We all know it, only too well. It’s that inner voice, that “inner critic,” that seems always present and always keenly prepared to defeat us. When we feel happy, the voice says: “Yeah, this can’t last.” When we’re about to attempt something, it whispers: “Watch out. You’re gonna fail.” And when we do succeed, the voice dismisses: “That was just luck. It won’t happen again.” However, less known is the fact that a number of inner critics can form and work together to keep us in a hole of negativity. Understanding which ones are present and how they combine and appear can help us to counter them and reduce their power. Following are descriptions of the most common ones I have experienced in my day-to-day work.

1. I am a Perfectionist…I need 120%.

I set very high standards for your behavior, your performance and your interaction with others. My demand is that you do these things and everything else perfectly. When you fail, I will attack you and let you know frequently how not good enough you are. Sometimes my demands will mean that you don’t start something or if you do, you won’t be able to finish it for fear of failure and sometimes even success. My message is….. Don’t do anything unless it is 120% perfect. Doing nothing prevents the feelings you will have about failing and keeps my hold over you strong.

2. Trust is good, Control is better…

I will make you feel bad when you want to do something impulsive or addictive. When you are down on yourself and you overeat, use drugs or get angry, I will remind you how disgusting you really are. You see, I am in a constant battle with the impulsive critic who tells you it is ok to do such things.

3. Work, Work, Work…

I will attempt to motivate you by pushing you harder. I will remind you of how lazy, stupid or useless you are . I like to keep you in that hamster wheel for fear of you falling into the clutches of your procrastination critic.

4. Risks are bad…

I know they say that part of life is the taking of risks, the unknown is exciting but not in my book. I will try desperately to undermine your confidence and self-esteem to stop you taking those risks. You see, I am protecting you from hurt and rejection. Who needs success when you can safely do nothing? You will never amount to anything anyway, so why try?

5. Seek and Destroy…..

I am the most dangerous and powerful of your critics. I am the one who attacks your fundamental self-worth, destroying green shoots of recovery before they grow and reminding you that you should not even exist. My sole task is to wipe out your positive energy, creativity and spontaneity.

6. You should feel Guilty….

My job is to remind you of those things you have done or didn’t do or kept secret. I will tell you how guilty you should feel for hurting that person, betraying that value or repeated behavior you should feel ashamed of. I will never forgive you for what I feel you have done and you have to pay. I am only trying to help you avoid the pain by constantly keeping it in the foreground.

7. The Shaper….

I try to get you to adapt to social and family norms by telling you how few friends you have, how socially inept you are and what an outsider you are. I don’t see change as at all positive.

In order to understand the complexity of the inner critic, we must realise that as children, growing up in dysfunction, we absorbed certain things about the world and used survival mechanisms to cope. Part of the mind’s role, the more primal part, is to protect us from danger. In a sense, it is hard-wired to keep us alive and help us survive. As a result, it “records” past incidents that could cause danger and refers to this when similar incidents occur, sometimes years later. It causes us to react to the perceived danger by withdrawing, stopping or pulling back from certain activities, ( of course, this can be useful when walking out in the street in busy traffic). However, it becomes a hinderance when it holds us back from “dangers” that we are meant to “outgrow”. Indeed, the painful experiences our minds record most vividly are from our earliest years: our infancy, our childhood, even our teens. During these early formative years, we were understandably overwhelmed by the world. In our infancy, we were completely dependent; and, as such, we justly interpreted the slightest physical or emotional discomfort as a very threat to our existence. As children, any sense of separation from our parents or other comforting things triggered a sense of panic or fear of abandonment. Any dysfunction around our basic structures such as abuse, divorce, financial ruin, etc had a devastating effect . ny sense of disapproval might be interpreted as complete rejection. Later, in our adolescence, disappointments that would now seem minor felt then like our world was collapsing. Certainly, we know now that we are no longer infants or children. But because these “traumas” occurred during our most basic developmental years – when our minds were literally “looking” for patterns and associations to make sense of ourselves and our world – these fear associations can become almost instinctual and unconscious … and often fixed in time. This is where the critic(s) step in. They are trying to protect that wounded “inner child”as though we were still children and in real danger. We can assume then that the critic is a voice from the past, a voice of a young child and a “wounded” voice. So, when we do – or even consider doing – something that triggers this old association with danger (or disappointment, rejection, loss, etc.), this wounded part awakens, panics, and starts to vocalize. It will “play back” the original trauma to prevent us from re-injury. Containing and limiting the “inner critic” means working in therapy with the adult and the “child”. This is often why being harsh with your inner critic is difficult. It is part of you. A part that needs nurturing and protecting (in the right way), and most of all allowed to develop. In my next post, I will be looking at ways of siding with and befriending the critic.

Origins of an Inner Critic: Early influence

April 29, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

Depression teaches us that we are not deserving of a normal, fruitful life. We go through long periods of believing that there is something inherently wrong with us. One of the major factors in this process is the formation of an inner critic which is a major underlying cause of depression and low self-esteem. In a new series of posts looking at the inner critic, I will be analysing how it is responsible for sending negative messages, causing feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, how it drives us on with perfectionist thoughts and how we can eventually turn our inner critic into our inner champion.The inner critic is often formed when childhood situations and interaction with caregivers lead to our inner child being wounded and replaced by the inner critic values. How does this happen?

Criticism from caregivers:

Criticism or judgement by parents or caregivers, especially when given in a harsh manner can turn an innocent child into one who believes that they are wrong, inadequate and worthless. If this is accompanied by physical or verbal abuse, then the Inner Child becomes traumatized. All parents set behavior standards for their children concerning such as performing a certain level, not showing emotion, behaving “properly” or in their interaction with others. If love and affection are only given when these standards are met, or even worse withdrawn when not, it has a devastating impact on the inner child. Parents often become frustrated when unrealistic tasks and expectations are not met, this is seen by the child as judgment. Criticism is often used as a motivation to do better as is comparison with more successful peers. Sometimes success is not recognised and mistakes emphasised as a “lesson” and praise is not given appropriately. These actions repeatedly used can wound the inner child and promote feelings of low self-esteem.

Internalization

We often find that our inner critic criticises us in the same a parent did . That is how we think that it is perhaps a mirror image of our critical caregiver. It is usually much more complicated than this. If it was that simple, we could just ignore the critic and get on with it. To make it more complicated, the critic often has its own motivation for judging you in the same way as a parent. Take for example, a mother who constantly is critical of a child for untidiness and this was internalized. The critic would also judge the subsequent adult when they are untidy but for a different reason. To understand this, we have to realise that an inner critic’s prime function is to protect us from harm, sometimes dysfunctionally. When the critic judges in the case above, it is modeling the parent but also trying to protect from the parent. This is dysfunctional in the sense that it is trying to protect from something that happened years ago but the fact that it is basically trying to help means that potentially, it can be worked with.

Ridicule

There are caregivers who find it appropriate to shame and ridicule their children for fun or as a punishment measure. This causes the child to carry this embarrassment into their adult life. As noted above, this would then result in the inner critic causing embarrassment to avoid situations where it could happen. This embarrassment can also be transferred via the parents if there was a sense of shame or difficulty concerning religion, financial status or race. The child tends to “feel” with the parents in this case. This can be consolidated by parental attempts to keep children “in a box” of social acceptance.

Discipline

Parents often punitively punish children when they feel they have done something that puts them in danger. Running away from the parents in a busy street, going to close to a fire are examples of this which need to be stopped and lessons learnt from. However, if parents overreact and engage in punitive discipline , they may have stopped the activity but the inner child can be harmed in the process. Additionally, when parents try to stop natural activities and impulses when children play with others in a demeaning and humiliating way, an inner critic could be formed full of guilt and low self-esteem.

Rejection

The slightest indication that a child is being rejected or parental affection is being withdrawn can form a critic that blames the child in an attempt to forge a connection with the parent. The critic reminds the child that is essential that parents are part of their life, that if they fight back, they will lose their parent and they will be abandoned. They subsequently go on to take the blame for the rejection. This often leads to the fact that a child takes the blame for everything such as illness in the parent or dispute in the family. Children then take on the massive responsibility of thinking that they have to change themselves to change the situation. As parents are models early in life, when children see that there are problems, they believe that they are not ok because they seem to be different to the parent or the parent is displeased on a regular basis.

All of the factors highlighted above can be found in adults to a lesser or greater degree depending on how wounded the inner child was. They can range from mild self-esteem issues to crippling feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy, right through to intense mental pain. In my next post, I will be looking at types of inner critic and their motives.

Depressive Thinking Part 2 : Depression and Perfectionism

March 23, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

In the second of a series of posts about depressive thinking, I am looking today at the role of perfectionism and how perfectionist thinking can create a cycle that can lead to depression.

Perfectionism can mean many things to many people. It can be seen as striving for excellence. It can mean a controlling attitude but more often it means holding on to unattainable standards that demand unyielding compliance from self, others and situations. This is more than just having an eye for details or suffering disappointment due to not reaching a target, it is an attitude that promotes stress and psychological strain, ultimately, depression. When depression is involved, a cycle of negative emotions and states such as high expectations, fear and anxiety, fear of rejection and blame and procrastination come into play. This causes a barrage of self-talk ( I must, should) with blame ( I am awful, terrible) and promotes and maintains depressive thoughts.

Let’s look at how this works. perfectionists often dread the thought of failing to meet their lofty targets with a passion. This causes them to experience anxiety at the thought of performing poorly and having to deal with inevitable missing of goals. The paradox is that this thinking leads to a focus on perceived imperfections that apparently caused the failure. This results in negative self-talk, self-downing and a downward depressive spiral, affecting self-worth and self-esteem. Perfectionists often find it difficult to allow themselves breathing space in their pursuit of perfection and the fact that human fallibility is a normal part of life gets lost on them. The sad truth is that perfectionists judge their self-value on their own idea of success and failure. Some very successful people berate themselves constantly for not achieving more than they have. For many people, perfectionism is total. It is not enough to do as well as others, they have to stand out. It is not enough to perform typically, they MUST be the best. It is not enough to have a tidy home, it MUST be spotless. When perfection becomes a condition for personal worth, it inevitably leads to a slippery slope of predictable emotional consequences and responses.

Perfectionists are often identified by the language they use. Words like “should”, “must”, “have to” “require” “expect” are all part of a perfectionist’s vocabulary. These words can, of course be used without making demands but added them to lofty expectations, trouble is in store. They often provoke guilt and shame because unrealistic rigid demands were not met. In therapy, one of the approaches against this is to replace these demanding words with ones less threatening and emotional. “Expect” becomes “would prefer”, “must” becomes “aspire to”, “should” becomes “hope to” and so on. The use of softer language and taking a more realistic approach to life (and self) is key to lessening the demands of perfectionism.

Realism as a Counter to Perfectionism

As a CBT therapist, I deal in realism. What that means is that in therapy, my clients come to realize that life is not always easy with various ups and downs and things are not going to be great all the time. It is how we deal with the downs that determine how good the ups will be. This is an essential mindset to take if recovery from perfectionism is to take place. If we can be mostly satisfied with who we are, what we are doing and who with are with most of the time, then life is really not so bad. Contrast that with the unreal, perfectionist world where the prize of achievement is never reached.

When I take on a new client with signs of perfectionism, one of the first assignments they get is to fill in Daily Mood Sheets. This is a wonderful instrument that charts reaction to perfectionist thinking, looks at the automatic thoughts and behavior that follows and then gives the client a chance to look at the situation from a different angle. The biggest hurdle to these sheets is the ability to look at things realistically. Once this is learnt, ( and it can take some time) a mindset clicks in that is one of acceptance that things won’t and can’t always go our way. This is the idea behind realistic thinking, that we accept that life will not always be as we want it to be . However, only replacing vocabulary in your mind is not likely to do the trick. Part of this process means moving from being self-absorbant to self-observant, questioning the very things that are driving perfectionist values. If you think that you must have or do something, the question could be “why is this the case? Is there an alternative, can I accept less?”. Perfectionist thoughts can also be logged on a continuum. For example, If you didn’t reach a target, you can use terms such as ” I got 60% of what I aimed for”, much better than “I failed”.

Perfectionism is addressable by using and applying cognitive tools. Positive change can be had when thinking is changed and self worth is separated from the requirement to do things perfectly. If you constantly hear your inner critic berating you for not getting or doing that extra 20%, you have noticed your perfectionist beliefs. Discrediting and disputing these values and finding realistic evidence to prove them wrong is a key part of recovery. As humans, we are inherently imperfect. We have the ability to fail without ever being a failure. We sometimes just need to think it and believe it.

The best of today from Psychology Today

March 3, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

Too Much TV May Make Your Child Anti-Social

Childhood television viewing linked to anti-social behavior in adulthood

Published on March 2, 2013 by Dennis Rosen, M.D. in Sleeping Angels

The American Academy of Pediatrics is just one group among many which strongly recommends restricting the amount of time children spend in front of the television. There are good reasons for this recommendation, as regular readers of this blog already know.The more time children spend watching TV, the less sleep they’re likely to get, the less likely they are to be physically active, the less likely they are to read, and the more likely they are to suffer from overweight and obesity.

Are Affairs Really Worth It?

Before embarking on an affair (or a marriage), read this book!

Published on March 2, 2013 by Jenni Ogden, Ph.D. in Trouble in Mind

The Mess of Infidelity

I am a book lover and a fan of Goodreads, which is where I record my own book reviews and read the reviews of others. Reading, after all, fits all the criteria of my Psychology Today blog title, “Brains, Books and Being Happy”. Reading (and writing even more so) are good for the brain, and both reading and writing books have a place way at the top of my list for making me happy. But it is a rare book I think is so important for our psyche and our potential happiness that I think it worth reviewing here.

3 More Ways to Stop Screaming at Your Kids

By better understanding your anger as a parent, you will yell less.

Published on March 1, 2013 by Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. in Liking the Child You Love

Here are some more powerful, effective tips from my book 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child to help you avoid the yelling trap with your child or teen

Read More…
Dr. Nicholas Jenner is a Counseling psychologist in private practice working with individuals,couples, groups and companies globally. Online therapy is, in my experience, effective for treating a number of major conditions. Are you having issues that you need to talk through? I have a range of plans that can help you get the help you need. Online Therapy details : Here …… Take advantage of the “online therapy” tester. Try the first three sessions for free. Contact me for more details.

The Mental Torment of Sexually Abused Children

February 24, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

TRIGGER WARNING : If you are uncomfortable reading about sexual abuse, please do not read further.

It is estimated that up to fifty percent of sexual abuse victims who receive medical treatment after episodes of abuse carry no physical scars at all. However, it is also estimated that all of them will carry the mental scars for most, if not all of their lives. This makes perfect sense. Abuse victims often report that the physical touch was not the worst part of the abuse but the burden of carrying the “secret” and knowledge of the abuse which stays with them at all times superseded this many times over. This burden also carries the responsibility of what to do with this information. Revealing it could mean being taken away from loved ones or the break-up of a family as well as legal consequences for the abuser. This can cause great hardship for a young mind.

The mental aspects of abuse are cleverly manipulated by the abuser. While the physical boundaries are being destroyed and violated, so is the mind. A child can be lead to believe that their body and mind are under the control of others. Abusers often try to convince a child that what they might believe is happening is really not or when it is mentioned, the child is blamed and the abuse often denied and ignored. Another method is to rename the abuse as a “special” game that only the child is allowed to play. Statistics tell us that most incidents of abuse take place at night, often leading the child to believe it was a dream and making recollection hazy. The sad fact is that many sexually abused children are denied the right to justice due to the mental manipulation of the abuser and carry these scars for a lifetime, trying to cope with life as best they can. However, mental health issues as a result of the abuse are often played out later in life as the subsequent adult tries to deal with the torment of the past. Let’s look at some of these :

Dissociation

Children who are abused tend to emotionally shut off while the abuse is taking place. However, they often take this defense mechanism into adulthood and dissociate when confronted with anything that reminds them of the abuse. Hence, they find it hard to enjoy close relationships and intimacy. This dissociation can range from the mild, referring to oneself in the third person, to extreme complete depersonalization. Due to the abuse, many victims have been taught (or indeed taught themselves) to ignore feelings and emotions, so they often see this behavior as “normal”. In some cases, when the abused has not been believed, the dissociation acts almost as a “friend” and in a way protecting and validating them as it did at the time of the abuse. Many hold onto this and are afraid to let it go, fearing life without it. Since there is a strong likelihood that the victim was in a dissociative state at the time of the abuse, they often find that large chunks of memory of the abuse and other times in their life are blurred, often returning briefly in dreams and flashbacks.

Multiple Personality Disorder

The most extreme example of dissociation is the formation of two or more distinct personalities that take over control of behavior. Research tells us that most sufferers of MPD had a history of sexual abuse in childhood. Multiple personality disorder typically develops at a young age because of some kind of very traumatic experience, usually long-lasting and severe abuse. The earliest age when MPD can develop has not been clearly established, but seems to coincide with early infancy. Abuse that leads to development of multiple personality can be emotional, physical, or sexual, or combinations thereof. In reality, all abuse is mental. The mind perceives and interprets the harmful acts as abusive. The after effects of childhood sexual abuse seem to be responsible for more than 90% of all MPD cases. By contrast, non-abusive traumatic events do not cause multiplicity. Multiple personality disorder only develops when a person is helpless and unable to escape suffering or the threat of suffering, especially when the abuse is repetitive or lasting weeks, months, and years. A significant factor leading to the development of multiple personality is the dependence of the victim on the abuser and establishment of a personal relationship . The abuser becomes an essential and psychologically inseparable part of existence, but also the torturer in the mental sense. The cognitive substrate of the brain is unable to reconcile these dramatically opposing experiences and is forced to split into pieces. The likely triggers (severe traumas) of permanent dissociation hint that the number of possible personalities could run in the dozens. In extreme cases, when the abuse is lifelong, several hundred personalities might be expected to exist.

Mentality

One of the most crippling aspects of sexual abuse is the development of an unhealthy outlook on life in the form of a set mentality. Unlike the diagnosable disorders above, mentalities are often more subtle but just as destructive in their own way. For example, many abused children take on a victim mentality as the child starts to organise the world around its own wound. The abused child sees the world as unsafe, unpredictable and dangerous. The child has learnt through the abuse that what they feel, want or think make no difference and they feel hopeless, ineffective and lack the ability to contradict this with evidence to the contrary. They are often tormented with the thoughts they they were somehow to blame for the abuse and they asked for it or deserved it. Life is consequently full of “shoulds”, leading the abused to the mistaken belief that they had a choice. The basic assumptions about life that most of us take for granted are challenged in a victim mentality, that is invulnerability, I can’t or won’t get hurt, I have worth and the world is understandable and has meaning. These thoughts often lead to problems in later life by seeing poor treatment by others as “normal”, an acceptance that abilities to change are limited and an exaggerated sense of self-blame. Most adults in these cases are passive people. However, paradoxically, some can become agressive…treating others poorly as defense against being hurt. Some become perfectionists, wrongly believing that one needs to be perfect to be accepted. Other attempt to keep control over others while fearing losing control themselves.

Once again, the attitude of the offender has a lot to do with the formation of a victim mentality in the abused. Many abusers show characteristic of “other”-blame as opposed to the self-blame shown by victims and they fit well together. Often an offender will blame the child for “seducing” them or blame circumstances for the abuse. An person with offender mentality will continue to abuse without being overwhelmed with guilt or remorse so there is no internal motivation to stop. They can always find a justification for it. They often paint themselves as “misunderstood” or “framed” by society and sometimes the victim. There is some feeling that people with the offender mentality are often substance abusers as well. In one recent study, up to 45 % of abusers who “blamed” the victim were either alcoholics or took drugs to some degree. This could suggest that substance abuse causes sexual abuse but more likely, the offenders were looking to find a reason to justify what had happened.

This is just a small portion of the disorders that can arise from abuse..there are many others. However, in therapy, the biggest gift a therapist can give an abuse victim is to believe their story and help them relive it in such a way that they can reconstruct their world and gain new insight. It helps to show abuse victims how to question long held beliefs about themselves and the world and their place in it. This is incredibly important as in some quarters, there is the belief that victims often lie about abuse. In my experience of treating victims (and being one myself), they rather tend to minimise it. It is also vital that the therapist feels the need to show emotion towards the act of abuse and the abuser. Many victims have been met with stonewall faces and attitudes all their lives and it can be refreshing to come across someone who feels outrage when talking about it.

Focus to avoid Rumination

February 16, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

One of the biggest difficulties we face when trying to instigate change in our lives is protecting ourselves from the effects of the past and an imagined future. Even when the past has been somewhat dealt with, the brave new world known as our new future life can be difficult to deal with, hold many fears and lead us to rumination. It is in this process of rumination (a form of daydreaming) where we are at our most vulnerable mentally. We allow negative thoughts and “big picture” concerns to affect our lives and judgement. What do I mean with “big picture” concerns? These are the things that we busy ourselves with thinking about such as global issues, political and financial structures and other’s behavior that we have no chance in the world of influencing. Yet we try, blame and judge and make ourselves miserable. Our minds race, trying to solve problems that have no solution and the result is depression. How many of these issues can you or should you directly influence? Let’s say, for example, that you’re very concerned with the rise of international terrorism. How can you, as an individual, influence global politics to such an extent that you’re going to have a personal impact on the future of this issue? Unless you’ve committed yourself to a career in international politics, the chances are that this concern of yours, critically important though it may be, will not fall within your circle of influence. Fundamentally, outside of being well-informed on these issues that concern you, your time would be much better spent focusing on the issues that lie directly within your own influence.

One of the best descriptions of this process was written by Stephen Covey in his best-seller, The 7 Habits. Covey depicted two circles to describe where people spend their time : The Circle of Concern, which contains the activities mentioned above and the Circle of Influence, the smaller circle that we really should be focussing on. This contains all the activities that we can have an influence on, namely our own focus, thoughts and behavior. As in this diagram :

The circles represent the 2 areas where you can focus your time and energy. The vast majority of people focus too much time and energy outside of their Circle of Influence, and in their Circle of Concern.

Covey notes that highly effective people think and act primarily within their Circle of Influence. They forget about the things over which they have no or very little control, preferring instead to focus their time where they can actually make a difference. By doing this, they gradually expand their Circle of Influence as they deflect the thoughts from outside. To give a concrete example, let me list some common things people generally worry about (Circle of Concern), followed by an example of something they could do to improve the situation (Circle of Influence):

The environment – recycle your plastic, be environmentally more responsible
Personal finances – learn new skills to find a job or earn a promotion. Face difficult situations head-on.
Physical health – exercise for 20 minutes daily. Change diet.
Being single – work on your social skills so you can meet more potential partners. Drop perfectionist values.

When you’re faced with something that comes at you from your circle of concern, but that isn’t within your circle of influence, you meet that challenge by changing something that is in your control. When you figure out what that is and respond accordingly, you will have learned a valuable lesson. The lessons of childhood, adolescence and adulthood are hard enough, but they mainly concern themselves with the outside world. The lessons I am talking about here are different: they concern themselves with the inner you. They deal with self-esteem, values, purpose, meaning, direction, and your unique destiny in this world. These are the real lessons: the ones that really count.

Life is Difficult but…

February 8, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

I often get asked by marketing companies to post an article on behalf of one of their clients. Mostly, these articles contain links to products that have nothing to do with my field of work so I refuse. However, I am always happy to accommodate Greg Malouf . He is a shining example of someone who has overcome adversity in his life to move on. He is using the wisdom gained from these experiences for the good of others. I am sure he would agree with the quote below from one of my favorite authors :

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers. It is in the whole process of meeting and solving problems that life has meaning. Problems are the cutting edge that distinguishes between success and failure. Problems call forth our courage and our wisdom; indeed, they create our courage and our wisdom. It is only because of problems that we grow mentally and spiritually. It is through the pain of confronting and resolving problems that we learn.” M. Scott Peck

I once read something that has stuck with me for many years. It went something like ” there is no success or failure in life…just success and learning opportunities”. How true this is but how difficult for most people to put into operation. Facing life’s problems head-on is usually a step too far. Whether it be financial, relationship or personal, it is usually easier to take the line of least resistance and procrastinate or even run away, hoping the problem is heading in the other direction. Sometimes problems have been caused by other people, and so there is a resistance to having to sort out something that someone else has caused. This is an understandable reaction, yet for progress to be made, one has to dig deep and confront the issues, regardless of whether they have been caused by self or others. At other times, there is a burying of the head in the sand, and this solves nothing. In fact, this approach just prolongs the agony of the problem and adds more problems on top of the original issue. It is important to remember that when we avoid our problems, they don’t go away, and also bear in mind that a problem we are avoiding may impact hugely on another person’s life (knock on effect).

We convince ourselves that opening that letter or dealing with the problem in our relationship can wait until tomorrow or next week or next month. We bury our heads in the sand waiting for the right time, knowing that the right time is usually right now. We beat ourselves up because of it knowing that the only person who can change it is us. We become depressed and lose our self-esteem. I am reminded of the story told by Scott Peck in his self-help book “The Road less Travelled” where he asked a stressed financial analyst how she likes to eat cake. ” the frosting first”, she replied. He suggested she eat the cake first and then the frosting. This statement just about sums up the pleasure principle. We put off seemingly uncomfortable or difficult things and replace them with easier more pleasurable activities or nothing at all. However, the spectre of the problem is always there in the background waiting to pounce at the right moment, dragging our urgent attention to it at the same time.

There are, however, simple methods available to avoid this crippling condition ruining your personal and professional life and ruin it it will, if it is allowed to become a habit. Do you want that mad rush that comes with having to get things done at the last moment? This can help :

1. Realize and accept you have a problem and only you can set the solution in motion. Others may be able to help but you need to initiate. To not do this is delusion.

2 . Stop talking your problem. Talk the solution. Talking about your problems all the time is to pile misery upon misery. Be proactive and preventive. Look forward and take measures to ease problems before they overwhelm

3. Make a list of those problems causing the most trouble. Prioritize the list, A, B, C and so forth. DO NOT list blue Mondays, rainy days and heavy traffic. Those are not problems. That is called living life. You couldn’t change them anyway. Deal with A and leave the rest of the list alone. When A is solved B becomes A and so forth. Move through the list with determination. Remember that living life will always be mixed with difficulty. Change what you can change. Others will take care of what you cannot change. That is their assignment, not yours.

4. The 80/20 rule or Pareto Principle. 20% of activities on your to-do list will produce 80% of your most desired results. What do you want to accomplish? What are those activities you must do? The ability to determine those tasks and then complete them on time can have more impact on achieving your goals than anything else.

5. Write down those tasks and specific time frames for when you will work on them. Write them in a place where you will constantly see them to be reminded. This way you’re constantly reminded of what you are to do and when. You will get around to completing these tasks sooner rather than later because by “seeing” them all the time, you’ll want to cross them off your list. Consider erasing the tasks after completing them so you no longer have to look at them. .

6. Plan a reward ahead of time. Make sure you give yourself some type of reward when finished. It can be as small as penciling in time to work on the things you enjoy.

7. Do the thing you like least first. Research points to the fact that the longer you put off something, the harder it is to get motivated. It becomes easier to experience procrastination.

8. Break it down into small steps. To avoid overwhelm, avoid saying, “I’m going to sit down and work on this for the next six hours straight.” Instead say to yourself, “I’m going to work on this first thing in the morning from 8:00 a.m. to 8:45 a.m. If then I want to stop I can. ” When you tell yourself you will “only” work on something for X number of minutes, it makes it more palatable. And what usually happens is you get on a roll and want to keep going.

9. The power of focus. You can be putting tremendous energy into something, but is it the right thing? Many people expend huge amounts of energy and creativity trying not to do something. Refine your focus.

10. Consequences. Take into account what will happen if you don’t complete those 20% of tasks that produce 80% of your desired results. There is often pain in thinking about a task we don’t want to do, but by procrastinating the pain only increases. You’re not having fun on the enjoyable tasks because in the back of your mind you’re thinking about what you must do and “should” do. Keep in mind that everything you procrastinate today only compounds tomorrow’s pressure. To be motivated toward your goal and achieve success requires you to have strong “motive” and move. Decide what you want. What tasks must be done in order for you to accomplish your goals, dreams and aspirations? . .

When Co-dependency becomes Counter-dependency.

January 14, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

Dr. Nicholas Jenner is a Counseling psychologist in private practice working with individuals,couples, groups and companies globally. Online therapy is, in my experience, effective for treating a number of major conditions. Are you having issues that you need to talk through? I have a range of plans that can help you get the help you need. Online Therapy details : Here …… Take advantage of the “online therapy” tester. Try the first three sessions for free. Contact me for more details.

I once read that up to 98 % of the global population is co-dependent to some extent but a figure much lower than that actually realise it and very few know how to do something about it. Many therapists and doctors treat it as a disease that one has to endure, be stuck with or take medication for. All of which is usually not too helpful. Codependency is learned behavior and as such can be unlearned with the help of the right therapist. A therapist who must understand what it is and also understands his own codependency issues. Left to fester, codependency can turn into counter-dependency, rather like cutting off your nose to spite your face. More on that later.

What is Co-dependency ?

Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members or people of influence who display this type of behavior. It can affect a parent, spouse, child, co-worker who has grown up in some form of dysfunction. This could be from the affects of abuse, addiction, seperation or divorce. Even people who have grown up in a relatively stable environment can be affected by parents overworking or not spending time generally with children, giving the subtle message, ” I am not ok” There are generally thought to be three types of codependents :

1. Caretakers: relate to others primarily through roles that put them in a position of the giver, helper, supporter, nurturer, etc. “Everyone’s needs are more important than my own.”

2. Romance/relationship addiction: must be in a “relationship” and be “special” to someone in order to be OK with oneself; may use caretaking and sexuality to gain approval/acceptance; goes from relationship to relationship. “You’re no one unless someone loves you.”

3. Messiah complex: savior of the family, church, world; over-responsible, doesn’t ask for help, tries to make self indispensable. “If I don’t do it. it won’t get done.

The general symptoms of codependency include :

1. External-referenced on other person or people.

2. Tries to control behavior of others through approval-seeking and people-pleasing behavior.

3. Experiences intimacy by discounting own feelings, and empathizing with feelings of others.

4. Loss of healthy boundaries, generally resulting from doing things for others that violate one’s values, and from accepting unacceptable behavior from others.

5. Frozen feelings, numbness with regard to one’s own feelings. Depression may also result from repressed anger.

6. Low self-esteem. Self is valued according to others’ opinions. Uses martyr, victim, and messiah role to bolster self-esteem.

7. Generalized anxiety, related to lack of control of one’s life.

8. Mental preoccupation. Racing thoughts. Inability to enjoy mental silence and serenity.

9. Lack of assertiveness.: inability to ask directly for one’s true needs. Inability to confront unhealthy behavior in others.

10. Narcissism. In the absence of healthy, legitimate boundaries, others are seen as for or against self.

As co-dependency is an umbrella term for a range of issues that can result from the affliction, there are many forms of treatment. In counseling, a therapist would work on the loss of Self, setting healthy boundaries, assertiveness training and tools to increase self-esteem. Some would even see family therapy as relevant and for those who have sought solace in an addiction of some sort, work on this. Robert Subby summarizes codependency best. He has written and lectured extensively on mental health and addiction and observes that “Codependency is an emotional, behavioral, and psychological pattern of coping which develops as a result of prolonged exposure to and practice of a dysfunctional set of family rules. In turn, these rules make difficult or impossible the open expression of thoughts and feelings. Normal identity development is thereby interrupted; codependency is the reflection of a delayed identity development.” In order to make healthy changes for yourself, one must be ready to take action against his/her current behaviors. In addition, the person will need a strong support system in which many different people, well-read on codependency, make themselves available as points of contact to the codependent person. He believes that “long-term remediation of codependency requires the identification of dysfunctional coping strategies that have persisted from childhood, as well as the recognition and acceptance of healthier choices”.

From Co to Counter

Left untreated, co-dependency can ruin relationships. There is a danger that when things do come to a head or as another form of coping, counter-dependency can result. In a relationship, there is often one co-dependent and one counter dependent person. Counter-dependency is the opposite side of the coin. Symptoms include emotional aloofness, inflated sense of self-esteem, blaming of others, is a people controller and victimizes before being victimized. Sufferers tend to have been abused as children where co-dependency is usually a result of neglect. Many co-dependents in their need to please see the symptoms of counter-dependency as a potential cure for them and many couples reverse these roles in the life of a relationship. People with counter-dependent behaviors often struggle with creating appropriate boundaries. Their need for protection while growing up was so strong that they had to create walls instead….counter-dependent individuals are often less in touch with their feelings. When clients with counter-dependency issues begin therapy, I start by supporting their need to maintain rigid boundaries. This approach, which looks at what is right about their behavior, is important for two reasons. First, it supports their need to look good and reduces the anxiety they typically have, when entering therapy, that they will be judged or found lacking in some way. Second, it helps develop safety in the client-therapist relationship so that they can slowly remove the mask of the inflated False Self. Gradually, they feel safe enough to reveal their wounded inner child. Reframing the problem is especially important for people with counter-dependency issues, because, like most clients, they expect the therapist to take the “critical parent” role and tell them what they are doing wrong and how bad they are

Online Therapy might become standard practice……

December 11, 2012 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

Online therapy is, in my experience, effective for treating a number of major conditions. Are you having issues that you need to talk through? I have a range of plans that can help you get the help you need. Online Therapy details : Here …… Take advantage of the the “online therapy” tester. Try the first three sessions for free. Contact me for more details.

I interestingly read the other day that doctors in the UK were being urged to use Skype as a means of initially diagnosing patients. While this suggestion was generally treated with derision, it does prove that technology is being firmly placed at the center of medical provision.

The practice of psychology has reinvented itself many times over since Freud and his inner circle started it all off many years ago. Various movements have come and gone and eminent psychologists have had their time in the spotlight. All have had an effect on the way that mental health issues are treated today and sterling work is done by many psychologists practicing various forms and methods of psychotherapy.

In my view, psychology is now entering another of those phases with the increase of therapy services offered over the internet. Known as online therapy, a client interacts with a qualified therapist via webcam, mail or telephone or in more extreme cases via instant messaging. While many are still rather skeptical and suspicious of anything offered over the internet, one cannot help that notice that more and more therapists are adding this medium to their range of services. There are indeed serious issues to be resolved, some legal, some privacy and some licensing. These all need to be addressed to protect the consumer and regulation will surely come in time. Despite all this, these are indeed exciting times and it does allow therapists to be truly global players as only time zones and language limit their reach. The effectiveness of online therapy has been tested by study a number of times. Once such study published in the Lancet and reported on by CNN cited:

“A new study in The Lancet suggests that real-time chat therapy with a psychotherapist is successful in helping people with depression.

Participants were randomly assigned to either receive online cognitive behavioral therapy in addition to usual physician care — which may include antidepressant medication — or to continue their usual care and be placed on a waiting list. The intervention consisted of up to 10 55-minute sessions, five of which were expected to be completed by the four-month follow-up.

Of the 113 people who did online therapy, 38 percent recovered from depression after four months, compared with 24 percent of people in the control group. The benefits were maintained at eight months, with 42 percent of the online therapy group and 26 percent of the control group having recovered.”

So the facts on effectiveness appear to be there. However, amongst the vast range of methods offered by therapists, some will be generally more suited to online therapy than others. This is where I believe CBT has a distinct advantage and I am not the only one. The BBC reported that :

The National Institute of Clinical and Health Excellence has also recommended cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) as an alternative to medication. But getting funding for, and training, thousands of therapists will take time and waiting lists for ‘talking therapies’ are currently months or even years long in some places. Online CBT – which allows real-time therapy sessions from the comfort of the patient’s home – may offer an alternative and is now being trialed in NHS patients.

So where does this advantage come from? CBT, in my view, when practiced correctly with the relevant CBT tools applied offers a “toolbox” of methods that equip the client to look at the way they think and see the world. It is an interaction, a therapeutic alliance between therapist and client that lends itself to be practiced online. It fits nicely with the fact that CBT therapists set regular homework assignments and this, when agreed, can be checked and analyzed via email before the session takes place. One can hardly imagine a psychoanalyst staring with a cold demeanor into a computer screen.

I firmly believe that the future of CBT and online therapy are linked in such a way that maybe in the far future, this will be the way that therapy is generally delivered. A bold statement maybe but I have some evidence of its popularity in my own practice. I started offering this about a year ago and now work with about twenty clients per week additional to face-to-face clients. They range from as far afield as the US, Australia, South Africa and the Middle East. It is frightening to think that only fifteen years ago, this could never have happened but in another fifteen it might be standard practice.

Dr. Nicholas Jenner is a Counseling psychologist in private practice working with individuals, couples, groups and companies. Apart from seeing clients face-to-face, Dr Jenner also runs a thriving online therapy business providing help to clients on a global basis.

Posted in Online Therapy. Tags: child abuse and neglect, child abuse survivors, cognitive behavioral therapy, consequences of child abuse, couples therapy, depression statistics, dysfunctional thought patterns, fear of failure, inner critic, inner reflection, mental-health, online therapy, private issues, traditional lifestyles, troubled families. Leave a Comment »

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When Co-dependency becomes Counter-dependency.

Online Therapy might become standard practice……

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