culture | Boundaries of the Soul

Your True Self will help with the Inner Critic.

May 11, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

There are a range of books that tell us how to deal with our family of inner critics. Most centre on mantras and progressively aggressive language to deal with them. While this can be useful, we have to remember that by isolating the critic and pushing it away, we are maybe losing an ideal opportunity to work with it. Working on the theory that it is trying to protect the inner child that was wounded and criticised, we can safely say that it is trying to help, albeit in some dysfunctional way. Getting to know and connecting with a critic or critics is a much more effective way of dealing with them and eventually lessening the grip they have.

One of the key aspects in this process is the discovery of the Self. This is the pure part of us that shines through and guides us when we are not being tormented by the host of inner critics that exist within us. It can be said that we are either in Self (curious, open, compassionate) or in torment(taken over by pain and insecurity) at any given time. Finding the Self is the key to healing and seeing the world in a different light. When this can happen, the natural qualities that embody the Self will shine through. For example, the Self promotes connection, helping you to interact socially. You are drawn to meet other people, join groups and be part of the community. The Self also likes to connect with our inner critics, helping to engage with them and aid healing. The Self is interested and inquisitive. It helps you to take natural risks in life, to be interested in people without judging and promotes an understanding of new things. It is also interested in how your inner critics work and why they react the way they do. Finally, the Self is compassionate and helps you to be compassionate towards others and yourself.

To be help the Self shine through, we first have to understand that our inner critics are not aware that the Self exists and feel they need to control to keep us safe. They are fully ignorant of the fact that underneath it all is a part of us that is fully able to deal with life’s issues. They are still in young and scary mode where the inner child is being protected from hurt and rejection. This is the only way they know. They do not trust that the adult can handle situations that the wounded and criticised child couldn’t, so they step in when triggered and take over. They tell us to avoid conflict, not to take risks or act socially..all in the name of protecting the child within us. True healing takes place when we can appreciate and work with the inner critics, rather than pushing them aside to get to the inner child. These critics have been working tirelessly for years helping us to avoid our childhood pain and when we connect with them and appreciate what they tried to do, they can step back and trust us to take over. . To be able to connect with and understand our inner critics, we must be in Self mode and this is done through a process called unblending. When we can accept that the inner critics are protecting our inner child and an attack happens, we can do various things to sooth the inner child. We can comfort it directly with compassion, letting know that you understand the pain and hurt it feels. You can reassure it that the Self will be interacting with the critic and will help it to understand. You can also use imagery to conjure up pictures of comforting your inner child, standing between it and the critic or images of a protective parent soothing the child while your Self talks with the critic. Once your inner critic is isolated, you can speak directly to it, safe in the knowledge that the inner child is being protected. This is where the strength of Self comes in. Rather than scorning and getting angry with the critic, use compassion, curiosity and connection.

Firstly, openly thank them when they appear.

Thank you, I appreciate all you have done for me
I fully understand that you are trying to protect me
I understand the responsibility you carry.
I know you work hard for me
I understand how hard it is to let go

Ask questions (from the stance of curiosity)

I wonder what you are trying to achieve by protecting me this way? (likely answer is to avoid pain, facing change)
What would be the consequences of not calling me lazy, fat or stupid? ( the critic would have less power)
What happened that made it important for you to judge me? (the wounded child was hurt in the same way and it was triggered)

Be compassionate

I accept that you are trying to help but I would like to do this
I accept you fully and as part of me
Please trust me to lead

This process of having a direct relationship with your critics is in stark contrast to most other advice which banishes the critics with images of aggression and violence. By working with the critics, we can promote a healthy, trustful relationship with them that allows our inner child to be healed. This is not a process that happens overnight and can take some time. However, in therapy, a psychologist can promote this process and help the client come through. In my next post, we will be taking the process to the next stage..that is, the healing of the inner, wounded, criticised child.

Dr. Nicholas Jenner is a Counseling psychologist in private practice working with individuals,couples, groups and companies globally. Online therapy is, in my experience, effective for treating a number of major conditions. Are you having issues that you need to talk through? I have a range of plans that can help you get the help you need. Online Therapy details : Here ……

The Inner Critic comes in all forms

May 7, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

“I am really driven, but my drive doesn’t affect the conversations I have in my head about life, and my worries and fears and insecurities.” Zach Braff .

Following on from my last post about the early influences we experience that can form the inner critic . The concept of an inner critic is well known but most people have to deal with more than one manifestation. There might be one that attacks you for doing too much of something and another who then berates you for being lazy. The advice would be to work with each separately. I will now look at the types of inner critic that can pop up.

We all know it, only too well. It’s that inner voice, that “inner critic,” that seems always present and always keenly prepared to defeat us. When we feel happy, the voice says: “Yeah, this can’t last.” When we’re about to attempt something, it whispers: “Watch out. You’re gonna fail.” And when we do succeed, the voice dismisses: “That was just luck. It won’t happen again.” However, less known is the fact that a number of inner critics can form and work together to keep us in a hole of negativity. Understanding which ones are present and how they combine and appear can help us to counter them and reduce their power. Following are descriptions of the most common ones I have experienced in my day-to-day work.

1. I am a Perfectionist…I need 120%.

I set very high standards for your behavior, your performance and your interaction with others. My demand is that you do these things and everything else perfectly. When you fail, I will attack you and let you know frequently how not good enough you are. Sometimes my demands will mean that you don’t start something or if you do, you won’t be able to finish it for fear of failure and sometimes even success. My message is….. Don’t do anything unless it is 120% perfect. Doing nothing prevents the feelings you will have about failing and keeps my hold over you strong.

2. Trust is good, Control is better…

I will make you feel bad when you want to do something impulsive or addictive. When you are down on yourself and you overeat, use drugs or get angry, I will remind you how disgusting you really are. You see, I am in a constant battle with the impulsive critic who tells you it is ok to do such things.

3. Work, Work, Work…

I will attempt to motivate you by pushing you harder. I will remind you of how lazy, stupid or useless you are . I like to keep you in that hamster wheel for fear of you falling into the clutches of your procrastination critic.

4. Risks are bad…

I know they say that part of life is the taking of risks, the unknown is exciting but not in my book. I will try desperately to undermine your confidence and self-esteem to stop you taking those risks. You see, I am protecting you from hurt and rejection. Who needs success when you can safely do nothing? You will never amount to anything anyway, so why try?

5. Seek and Destroy…..

I am the most dangerous and powerful of your critics. I am the one who attacks your fundamental self-worth, destroying green shoots of recovery before they grow and reminding you that you should not even exist. My sole task is to wipe out your positive energy, creativity and spontaneity.

6. You should feel Guilty….

My job is to remind you of those things you have done or didn’t do or kept secret. I will tell you how guilty you should feel for hurting that person, betraying that value or repeated behavior you should feel ashamed of. I will never forgive you for what I feel you have done and you have to pay. I am only trying to help you avoid the pain by constantly keeping it in the foreground.

7. The Shaper….

I try to get you to adapt to social and family norms by telling you how few friends you have, how socially inept you are and what an outsider you are. I don’t see change as at all positive.

In order to understand the complexity of the inner critic, we must realise that as children, growing up in dysfunction, we absorbed certain things about the world and used survival mechanisms to cope. Part of the mind’s role, the more primal part, is to protect us from danger. In a sense, it is hard-wired to keep us alive and help us survive. As a result, it “records” past incidents that could cause danger and refers to this when similar incidents occur, sometimes years later. It causes us to react to the perceived danger by withdrawing, stopping or pulling back from certain activities, ( of course, this can be useful when walking out in the street in busy traffic). However, it becomes a hinderance when it holds us back from “dangers” that we are meant to “outgrow”. Indeed, the painful experiences our minds record most vividly are from our earliest years: our infancy, our childhood, even our teens. During these early formative years, we were understandably overwhelmed by the world. In our infancy, we were completely dependent; and, as such, we justly interpreted the slightest physical or emotional discomfort as a very threat to our existence. As children, any sense of separation from our parents or other comforting things triggered a sense of panic or fear of abandonment. Any dysfunction around our basic structures such as abuse, divorce, financial ruin, etc had a devastating effect . ny sense of disapproval might be interpreted as complete rejection. Later, in our adolescence, disappointments that would now seem minor felt then like our world was collapsing. Certainly, we know now that we are no longer infants or children. But because these “traumas” occurred during our most basic developmental years – when our minds were literally “looking” for patterns and associations to make sense of ourselves and our world – these fear associations can become almost instinctual and unconscious … and often fixed in time. This is where the critic(s) step in. They are trying to protect that wounded “inner child”as though we were still children and in real danger. We can assume then that the critic is a voice from the past, a voice of a young child and a “wounded” voice. So, when we do – or even consider doing – something that triggers this old association with danger (or disappointment, rejection, loss, etc.), this wounded part awakens, panics, and starts to vocalize. It will “play back” the original trauma to prevent us from re-injury. Containing and limiting the “inner critic” means working in therapy with the adult and the “child”. This is often why being harsh with your inner critic is difficult. It is part of you. A part that needs nurturing and protecting (in the right way), and most of all allowed to develop. In my next post, I will be looking at ways of siding with and befriending the critic.

Determining factors in Recovery from Rape and Sexual assault

February 28, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

(Rape Trigger warning)

I was rather disturbed to read a recent newspaper article stating that certain sections of the police force in the UK had been encouraging rape victims to drop cases in order to keep statistics on the good side. READ. This is horrifying and makes a mockery of the “serve and protect” stance taken by law enforcement.

Rape should never be encouraged and certainly not in these times where one cannot pick up a newspaper without reading about some vile act committed in one country or another. Anyone who has been raped,whether male or female will attest to the trauma experienced, the overpowering of will, the helplessness, the violation and the long, hard road to recovery. Some never recover (as I know from my clients) and spend their lives dealing with the ongoing effects of being attacked . So to have the very institution that is responsible for catching the offenders to allow them to walk free (and maybe do it again) is scandalous at best. I can only imagine how the victims are feeling…liked being raped again.

When rape occurs, recovery is difficult even if the victim is treated properly after the assault and how the victim is dealt with by police, hospitals, doctors and family and friends determine how long the recovery process is. Burgess and Holmstrem READ MORE studied 109 women who attended the Boston City Hospital in 1974 complaining of rape. They collected their data at the time of initial presentation at the hospital and again 3 months later. They documented the “rape trauma syndrome”. They found two phases of adjustment following rape or attempted rape. They call these the acute phase and the long-term reorganisation phase, both of which are stress reactions to a life threatening situation.

Immediately following the rape they found that an equal number of women had an “expressed” style where they showed feelings of fear by crying, smiling, sobbing or a “controlled” style where the woman was calm and subdued. The primary emotion expressed by victims is one of fear. Most all say that they felt they were going to be killed or badly injured. They reported that in the reorganisation phase women develop increased motor activity, changing their jobs, home or lifestyle as a defensive reaction to the assault. Nightmares relating to the life threatening nature of the assault and the powerlessness and alienation are common. The development of phobic reactions to situations reminiscent of the rape also occur. Some mistrust of men with subsequent avoidance and hesitation, along with a variety of sexual difficulties may develop. Victims are often concerned about the effects of the rape on their close interpersonal relationships wondering how this will affect them.

Interestingly in the same report, the authors looked at the factors that determine a victim’s ability to cope and readjust after the attack. I quote directly from the report :

The way the woman is treated as a victim may also influence her ability to cope.

This includes treatment by:

1) The police. Of necessity the police are required to question the victim thoroughly. If this is not explained to her she may perceive that she is not believed and this can reinforce feelings of guilt and self blame.

If she is unable to accurately describe her assailant or recall details of the attack, this may reinforce feelings of low self worth and inadequacy.

2) Hospital service. If the victim is treated in an impersonal manner then the feelings of depersonalization are reinforced. If hospital staff offer judgement comments on her behaviour then feelings of guilt can be produced.

3) The courts. The above comments apply here as well. The cross examination can seem like a repeat of the rape experience.

4) The circumstances of the assault can affect the victim’s coping capacity.

Whilst a victim’s response to rape may follow a predictable pattern, each individual’s circumstances provide differences that will affect their coping capacity and reaction. The fact that a victim’s psychological adjustment to rape, is in part determined by the social systems that impinge upon them, indicates a need for a widespread community response to ensure that those systems are both responsive to victim’s needs, and used to their maximum therapeutic capacity and this includes the above mentioned police force.

What is it really like to be an online patient?

February 11, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

Many people reading this will have heard of online therapy but might find it hard to imagine how it works. What better than to hear from someone who has been there and done that. Here one of my former patients shares her experiences of life in online therapy.

I was a reluctant client at first due to my experience of therapists and years of trying to deal with my issues. Someone passed me the details for Dr Jenner’s therapy and I immediately put it in a drawer and forgot about it. Online therapy…what next?..I thought. Surely that cannot be effective, so I forgot about it for a few months. Then something happened for the worse and sent me into a spiral that left me depressed with no hope of recovery and resigned to my fate.I had experienced the triple whammy…financial, health and personal problems all at the same time and I felt desperate. As always happens, I could not find his details at first and that depressed me even more. I searched on the internet, found him and made tentative contact. I sent a long email, not really knowing who would read it, if anyone would read it and unsure of the response. I felt bad that I had spilled my guts to a total stranger and regretted my decision to write. Just as I was going to bed one night, I received my answer. Dr Jenner wrote me a long reply that seemed just to fully understand what I was going through. He didn’t offer solutions, just compassion and empathy and I felt better that at least one person in this wretched world seemed to understand what I was going through. He suggested that we get together online via video and talk about he might be able to help me. I asked him if it would be ok if we did that on the phone first and we set up the call. He called me one evening and we spoke for about an hour….he didn’t say much but what he did say mattered and I felt understood. I signed up for a course of therapy and I started in May 2012. Due to my financial problems at the time, he allowed me to pay over a period of time. This enabled me to start. Two hours before our first video session, Dr Jenner called me and asked me if I had any questions and put me at ease about appearing on video.The first session was easier than I had anticipated and I found myself getting more and more comfortable as time went on. It was great to think that I didn’t have to go into town to see my therapist and I guess that is the big advantage for many people. What I found amazing was that Dr Jenner gave me assignments to do from a self-help book between sessions and I was free to contact him by phone or mail if I hit a rough patch. This was never the case with other therapists. I always got an answer within 24 hours, mostly in the evenings. Was the treatment effective…certainly. I found that Dr Jenner centered first on the things I could change quickest…things that would have a real positive effect on me and he gave me constant encouragement to set small goals and not procrastinate. We are now nine months down the line and I am taking a little hiatus while I go back to my past and rectify a few things. I will be back in therapy in a few months. Despite my early misgivings, Dr Jenner has become a trusted confidant. He has allowed me to get close enough while still keeping the boundaries needed for therapy. I cannot imagine my life now without him in it or doing therapy any other way.

Depression : An everyday tale

February 1, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

It is an overwhelming fact that depression rates are on the rise in most corners of the globe. Globally, millions of people are living with the misery of the so-called “cancer of mental health” on a daily basis. Some have had their symptoms alleviated by medication, some have sought therapy and there are many others who live with it without getting help. Some are not even aware that they are suffering and some choose not to recognise it, for whatever reason. There are those who have adapted their lives to the extent that they see their depression as a “part” of them, have no trouble talking about it. There are others who feel stigmatized and discriminated against and hide their illness and there are those who live in fear of the consequences of their depression hoping it will not take over their lives. I recently met someone who had been suffering on and off from depression for over thirty-five years. We talked about how this had left an imprint on his life, how it affects him and how he had tried to adapt in order to lead the best life possible. He cut a despondent, resigned figure who had seemingly given up. I asked him if I could write his story….he gladly agreed and here it is :

When did you first realise you were depressed?

I often wondered why my parents were always so miserable. Now I realise that they were depressed too. I guess it would be easy to say that I inherited my depression from them but I know it is not as simple as that. When I look back, it first hit me in my teens. I was an awkward teenager, never with the “in crowd” and consequently got bullied and pushed out. I didn’t dress or act like them which didn’t help. I preferred my own company. Now I realise that I was not doing things because of my depression. I never thought that anything was wrong until I made a mistake at work and started crying when my boss criticised me.

What happened then?

Well, my boss had some previous experience of depression and took me to the GP. I was distraught to have shown such vivid emotion in front of my employer. Luckily he understood, and guided me somewhat. I thought my world was about to end. Depression and mental illness had always been a taboo subject in my family due to my grandmother being “mad” and my parents often criticised and ridiculed others who suffered. My boss took me to the GP and he prescribed antidepressants.

Were you offered other treatment, such as therapy?

No and my parents would not have allowed it. In those days, that meant being “locked up” and that would have brought shame on the family.

What was your experience with medication?

I remember at first, the days full of “zombie-like” feelings, the impression that I was in another dimension but after a while I felt better and the side-effects waned. After that it was a case of remembering to take them. After a year, I decided not to take them anymore and gradually came off them. I don’t regret that at all. I know people who have been taking them for twenty years.

Would you consider yourself still depressed ?

Most definitely. Look, it comes and goes but I am still as miserable as I was as a teenager. I still avoid things that could potentially hurt me psychologically and have really stayed in my comfort zone all my life. I read an article once that stated that some people’s depression never goes away and they should just accept that and adapt their lives accordingly. I can believe that in my case but I am not sure you can accept it or adapt to it…or if you should.

Now the big question…How has being depressed impacted your life?

Well, I would say it’s the little things that have the biggest impact. Waking up in the morning with seemingly nothing to look forward to (or so I think), the difficult interaction with other people. The constant rumination about what other people think of me, regrets and my past. Makes daily life difficult. However, the worst thing is how I think about myself as a weakling, a fragile being who is knocked back by the smallest upset. How I can’t get out of that feeling and it gets worse before it gets better. I haven’t been able to stay in a relationship and that is one of my biggest regrets. I think the worst thing is that I feel society stigmatises depression to the extent that people with it are not seen as “normal”. The health insurance companies treat you like a monster when they hear the word and employers keep you at arm’s length.

How do you see your future?

(laughing) I have a great future behind me !! Look I am resigned to the fact that I will probably suffer from this forever. I know I don’t do much to change that but we are like an old married couple who are together because the alternative is not so rosy. I know that if I am better, new challenges will come and those would be difficult to handle.

What advice would you give to other sufferers?

Well, they probably need to do the opposite to me. I was (and still am) scared of getting better. What would this new world bring? I would have to face things that would scare me to death. I would strongly recommend anyone newly diagnosed to seek help as soon as possible. Join groups, get therapy, medication, anything that can lessen the Impact. To try to survive without help is doomed to fail.

It is not too late for you..why don’t you take your own advice?

This question was never answered. He quickly made his excuses and left. The path out of depression was seemingly too hard to contemplate. Can it really be the case that someone would accept their illness because the alternative is harder to contemplate? I guess this is an issue that people often forget. Getting well can be as difficult as getting sick, brings new challenges and a new world that calls for courage to live in. I didn’t get the chance to thank him for allowing me to talk to him. It must have been painful to go over some of the issues that had been a part of him for years. Who knows? Maybe someday…

Co-Dependency: Steps to Recovery with a Therapist.

January 23, 2013 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

The term “Steps to Recovery” is perhaps a bit misleading. There are no guarantees in the process and a lot of things must come together at once. At the heart of this process is a willingness to work on oneself and to accept that co-dependency is an issue in relationships. This means accepting responsibility for change and not passing that responsibility (or blame) onto others. It takes courage to look at and assess early life experiences and learn new skills that will help deal with early trauma or abuse. It also takes a willingness to look critically at relationships, some of which may have been adding to the problem, and to put these relationships on a new footing. It is also vitally important to find a therapist who understands that he or she may also have or have had issues with co-dependency and has recognised and worked on these issues. When these factors are accepted, the following would be the framework for work in therapy that could lead to recovery :

1. See the Patterns : A factor in early trauma and abuse is the use of defense mechanisms in order to survive. One of these is a denial that things that have attributed to co-dependency actually took place. It may have been the case that to keep up appearances or to make things easier for parents, a child is encouraged to ignore or subdue feelings or opinions. At worst, children are taught to deny feelings or that is wrong to show them. As co-dependency is generally seen as a feeling disorder, this can have a devastating impact on relationships and growth generally. Many adults also believe that co-dependent behavior is “normal” to act this way is just the same as everyone else. Many believe the relationships they are in are strong and are surprised to learn that they are not and in fact, they are toxic and draining. Understanding the complex issues involved is the first step and this often comes out when therapy is sought for other reasons . More on co-dependency symptoms HERE

2. Get a sense of Understanding : While there are many theories about the causes of co-dependency, it is most likely to be the caused by developmental trauma and growing up in dysfunctional surroundings. Under these conditions, bonding does not take place effectively during the first few months of life. Other theories base findings on genetics and the link to substance abusers. Part of any therapeutic work would be to look at and assess early life experiences and influences and to understand how These have shaped development.

3. Look at relationships : Once that sense of understanding that co-dependency is caused by trauma that prevents effective relationship building, present relationships can be analyzed for co-dependent patterns. As mentioned in my last post, when full bonding does not take place, there is an incomplete “inner child” who has never finished the separation process from caregivers. Work in therapy gives new skills and tools which can complete this process. This means putting relationships on a new footing which could also mean some relationships become less or more important.

4. Explore the Triggers : A trigger is a reaction to stimuli that reminds us of another situation. This can be positive, for example…a warm summer day can trigger memories of carefree childhood Holidays. However, it can also be a process that evokes negative feelings and the emotions and behavior that accompanied them. This often happens on a subconscious level and leads to automatic thoughts and reactions. One of the less desirable traits in co-dependency is the need to protect ourselves from people who display characteristics that we do not like in ourselves. Anger and insult is often triggered and blame and judgment follow. This is part of the denial process mentioned earlier and can lead to a “twist”in reality where we label others and have a need to be ”right” and “good”. Unfortunately, this means someone else must be ”wrong” or “bad”. These projections can be confronted and challenged gently in therapy.

5. The issue of Self-Hate : A major factor in developmental trauma is the lack of bonding and subsequent lack of separation from a mother or family. In a sense of denial, this separation may take place in another way by labelling family “bad” or “wrong”, usually sending the message to Self that it is also “bad” or “wrong”. The second step in denial is that these feelings are then labelled as “bad” and they can control your life , relationships and destroy self-esteem. These are purely projections based on an incomplete separation process. If the understanding is that these are due to a lack of self-esteem, they can be corrected. A process will take place over time where material and external stimulus is not needed as much as the Self starts to recover.

6. Become Assertive : Many people who are co-dependent are either over demanding and controlling or to the extreme, subversive and the eternal “doormat”. This has developed from a distorted view of relationships, the boundaries in relationships and what is acceptable. Being assertive means asking for what you want without aggression and giving without resentment. Part of this process is also the ability to say “no” without guilt or fear of repercussion. As self-esteem builds, this process becomes easier.

7. Learn to Feel Again : The ability to show feelings and later learn what is appropriate is often taken away from children. Parents scorn at children who show emotion and anger. This gives the message that anger and other feelings must be justified before showing them. However, it sends the clear message that emotion and feelings generally are wrong. As an adult it is important to be able to recognise and express those feelings that were denied as a child. Only then can a new learning process take place. The paradox is that co-dependent people often show anger in relationships, even though this was denied them as children. It is, however, often inappropriate anger based on triggers and automatic thoughts. In therapy, These factors would be assessed and realistically challenged.

8. The Inner Child: When a child who grows up in a dysfunctional ,co-dependent household, he or she is taught to please others rather than pleasing themselves. This causes a child to create a False Self rather than a True Self. Part of the True Self is an innocent inner child that is not fully developed. This could be for various reasons : bullying, abuse, and a range of other issues. A child will often hide this trauma from the world and consequently from its True Self, leaving the inner child undeveloped. Reconnecting with and healing the inner child is an essential part of therapy.

9. Define Boundaries : Everyone has a psychological space that includes thoughts, feelings and behavior that belongs solely to him or her. People with co-dependent issues have had their psychological space invaded so often as children that they that they are no longer aware of this space or when it is violated. Part of the therapeutic process of recovery would be to define and maintain these boundaries anew.

10. Relearn or learn how to be Intimate : Though there is often a desire for intimacy in co-dependency, this is often feared. The fear is one of control, abandonment, hurt or to be engulfed by those they are intimate with. This is down to the incomplete bonding process and the mistrust of relationships. Work with a therapist can provide the security, unconditional regard and support needed to bond safely with others.

The most important part of the above process is to find a therapist who has taken his or her own journey to interdependency and understands the steps needed. It is always prudent to ask a therapist about his or own co-dependent issues and how they were handled. It the therapist finds this request strange or is not prepared to answer, then maybe another therapist should be found. If this journey is to be taken, it needs to be done with someone who knows the way.

Thinking negatively can sometimes help us see the positive.

November 23, 2012 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

Dr. Nicholas Jenner is a Counseling psychologist in private practice working with individuals, couples, groups and companies. Apart from seeing clients face-to-face, Dr Jenner also runs a thriving online therapy business bringing help to those who are housebound or located in rural locations where therapy is difficult to find. Online Therapy details : Here

Can you imagine a therapist telling a patient to think negatively ? To concentrate on the less positive aspects of the issues they are having ? Sounds crazy and not too healthy but there are times when this kind of thinking can certainly be justified.

Name any self-help book found on the shelves of any bookshop and you will read common themes. Positive thinking, affirmations, perfect scenarios…change your life today ! While there are many good things to be had from the pages of books written by Messrs Covey, Robbins, etc, they can be seen as quite unrealistic in terms of what happens in real life. I have often written here on the power of realistic thinking…looking at life through realistic eyes, knowing that there will be setbacks that will inevitably come along with better times. However, my strong opinion is that there is justification at times for negative thinking but only if this is targeted in a specific place.

Nowhere better can this be seen than in the case of addiction of some kind like gambling, drinking or overeating, even when trying to change a habit like smoking. The “thrill” that comes from this is often associated with something positive. “I must have a cigarette” or “just one more coin in the slot and I could win”. Some even believe that engaging in these practices will help them in some way and for others, it is a form of escapism, away from what they see as the “negative” they experience in their daily lives. The effect is normally short-lived and feelings of guilt, self-loathing, fear often follow, quickly changing what they perceive as positive to negative. The cycle continues on and on…..

I recently finished therapy with a young man who was a classic example of the above. Here is his story and how a dose of negative thinking did the trick.

Graham (name changed)…..a young man lost at sea.

G couldn’t have had it harder growing up. A mother who was addicted to Class A drugs during pregnancy and a father who he would never get the chance to meet. He was brought into the world unwanted to live in an insecure environment that would shape his life for years to come. Passed from one family member to another, living in children’s homes but never really have a home, G suffered years of physical, sexual and emotional abuse which left him unable to cope with daily life. At 16, he was hanging out with the wrong crowd who taught him to steal cars, deal drugs and break into homes. It was about then that the addiction that would blight his life took hold. G could not resist casinos and spent huge amounts of money trying to achieve the “big one”…that is a jackpot that would change his life. It was also an escape from the rigours of his life…he felt good when gambling, in contrast to his life outside the casino. Crippled by a lack of self-esteem, the casino was the one place he felt at home despite the destructive influence it had on him. He knew all the casino workers and the regular “punters” personally, calling them “family”. This positive (for him) “high” that he felt while gambling was followed by days of depression, guilt and self-loathing. He would have no more money for the month, he would be terrified that his girlfriend would find out and end their relationship, he would hate himself for days after a fix to the extent that he would lay in bed and feign illness. One day, he called me and said he would be gone for six months. Despite my pleas for information, none was forthcoming and I subsequently found out that he had signed up for a six month stint on a fishing boat in an attempt to cure his addiction. He believed that if the temptation was not there, he could be cured. This was half of the story…he owed huge amounts of money to loan sharks that he had contacted to fuel his addiction. Upon his return, he was more anxious than ever before and asked me for help. This I believed would be a monumental task due to the fact that he had never shown any motivation to stop before. I decided to use the negative feelings he felt after a fix to over-ride the positive he felt while gambling. We went at least 20 times to the same gambling hall that he had used frequently. I made him “feel” the negative feelings of guilt, worry and self-loathing, challenging him to realise how he would feel if he gave into his temptation. I reminded him of what would happen if his partner found out…I made him focus on the negative things that happen to him after the event and made him relate that to the environment that we found ourselves in. It was not easy but eventually it began to sink in and as I write he has been “gamble” free for three months.

I employed a calculated form of negative thinking, called defensive pessimism. This can lead to very positive results, according to Julie K. Norem, PhD, a professor of psychology at Wellesley College. ”We’re not talking about a general disposition to see the glass half-empty: Defensive pessimism is a strategy used in specific situations to manage anxiety, fear, and worry,” says Norem, who has conducted seminal research on the subject. “Defensive pessimists,” she says, “prepare for a situation by setting low expectations for themselves, then follow-up with a very detailed assessment of everything that may go wrong.” Once they’ve imagined the full range of bad outcomes, they start figuring out how they’ll handle them, and that gives them a sense of control.
“What’s intriguing about defensive pessimists,” adds Lawrence Sanna, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, who has also studied the phenomenon, “is that they tend to be very successful people, and so their low opinion of the outcome isn’t realistic; they use it to motivate themselves to perform better.” For example, an executive is getting ready to pitch a project, and she thinks beforehand, “The client is going to be really difficult; he’s not going to like my proposal. I have to make sure I explain things very clearly.” “She uses defensive pessimism as a tool to work through all the possibilities so she’s prepared for everything, even failure,” Sanna says. “And if she does fail, she’s ready for it, so it’s not so catastrophic.”

Marriage is a funny concept!!

November 2, 2012 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

This morning I read an article that highlighted the fact that globally, there are more middle-aged people living alone than at any other time since records began and the number is on an upward curve. Some of the people interviewed stated they had never been married and chose a single life, for whatever reason, but the vast majority were alone due to a marriage breaking down. There has always been divorce and separation and it is easy to say that things were better “back in the day” but it does seem that in our modern world, it seems extremely difficult to keep a marriage going. My work as a therapist reflects this in the fact that couples therapy is becoming more and more a part of my daily work and while it is wrong to generalise, there tends to be a red thread that runs very much through the problem areas couples face, especially when children are involved. It can easily lead one to the conclusion that those who choose to live alone know something that has escaped the mind of the rest of us and poses the question…what is marriage in this day and age? What is it that people want from it and why does it so often go horribly wrong?

A good marriage with someone we truly love is generally the fairytale that is sold to us by society, sometimes parents and definitely religion. We are all expected to go on to develop along certain tried and trusted paths which includes marriage. Many are totally unprepared (especially if they marry young) for the immense amount of hard work that goes into keeping the thing going…almost the same amount of effort that is needed to keep a business afloat and running viably. The shock that comes when two suddenly become one means that life will never be the same again. As official divorce rates suggest, over 50% of these unions fail to make it. Many marriages are broken through financial pressure or infidelity or one or both partners wanting something new but many never get to this stage and stay together even though little seems to keep them tied to each other. These marriages seem to be the ultimate in convenience, two people afraid of making the changes that need to be made and resigned to living in a loveless union “for the sake of the kids” or some other excuse. These are usually the type of couples who end up on my couch and I make it extremely clear early on that my job is not to keep them together under any circumstances but to help them get to a point where they can make a decision to either improve the marriage or potentially end it.

Many of the same problems exist in marriages of most of the couples I see and many of them are unaware that such negative habits have crept into their marriage. Some have spoken openly with each other for the first time in a long time when they come for the first session leading to a huge amount of surprise from both partners about some of the statements made. While we can all think of potential problems that can wreck a marriage…the common spectrum is not so wide, in my experience.

Taking a partner for granted : This is probably the number one reason why marriages fall flat. The marriage becomes routine, stale and lacks any kind of excitement. Thinking that your partner will always be there leads to a notion that nothing has to be done to make that happen…complacency on one side, resentment on the other. This is usually never spoken about for fear of “rocking the boat”. It is clear that sometimes the parallel lines that hold partners together get blurred when such events as children arriving happen but some couples have difficulty finding each other again.

The Emotional Bank Account : A marriage needs to be worked on similar to the effort needed to run a business. The idea of the emotional bank account was one that I read while reading works from Stephen Covey. He suggested that if you continually withdraw from the bank account without depositing, then bankruptcy will follow. The concept is great…put as much into the marriage as you expect to take out. Something that is often out of balance.

Assumptions, Assumptions! : We as humans have never mastered the art of mind-reading but the practice is alive and well in a lot of marriages. Assuming what a partner is thinking or how they are likely to react without evidence is a very common problem. The subsequent behavior that follows is always based on a false impression. As I said earlier, many couples are surprised when they find out that these impressions and assumptions are wrong.

Competition..win. lose, lose win : There are those couples around who tend to be in competition with each other continually for the honor of being right. That clearly means that someone in their eyes has to be wrong. They keep going until this happens …pushing and probing until effective communication is impossible in the race to see who gets the finish line first. On the other hand, there are couples where one is dominant and the other is the proverbial “doormat” giving in to keep the peace. The idea of win-win here is a concept that is alien for these couples.

Selfishness : There needs to be fairness in the distribution of work and responsibility within the relationship. This willingness to extend oneself also pertains to meeting emotional needs. Placing one’s desires consistently ahead of a partner’s emotional needs and responding only when it is a matter of convenience, demand or negotiations leaves a spouse feeling unloved.

Leading separate lives.: Relationships also suffer when couples don’t mesh their lives through shared activities, recreational companionship or spending enough time together. Living too independently from each other takes away connection and joy from the relationship. Couples need to function as a team when it comes to parenting, managing a household, sharing finances, and relating to relatives. They need to consult with each other about important decisions and coordinate their schedules. Time needs to be set aside to enjoy conversation, adventures, common interests, vacations and fun. Time spent together should be anticipated with pleasure. Without this component, couples drift apart and have little in common.

Dishonesty, laziness and other character defects : Basic trust and respect underlie love and form the basis of relationships. Lies, deceit, disloyalty, secret habits, or emotional dishonesty about thoughts or feelings destroy trust and respect. Spouses who willingly do not take or follow through with their personal responsibilities unfairly shift those burdens to their partner. Marriage is a partnership between equals, not a parent/child relationship.

It is a known fact that most couples who have “good” marriages just know how to deal with marital problems effectively, and they make an effort to keep their relationship alive. All of the problems mentioned above can be solved leading even the most sceptical and “difficult” of cases to a revival of what brought them together in the first place. It is often as simple as that…more time, more understanding, more communication, more focus. Two willing partners will manage this and more.

Is every man a potential rapist? Trigger Warning : This article discusses rape issues. If you feel uncomfortable reading about this…please do not go further.

October 24, 2012 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

Just recently, I have been disturbed by the number of cases of rape that have been reported in the media. Young, sometimes very young, women being kidnapped, raped and murdered. This is, of course, not a recent problem and we have to take into account that the press periodically become obsessed with one type of story or another. That said, rape is a serious global problem and many theories exist about what turns someone into a rapist.

There is a school of thought which believes that every man is a potential rapist. First off, I want to clarify that the statement “every man is a potential rapist” or “all men are potential rapists” is not the same thing as “every man is a rapist.” It doesn’t mean that every man would rape if given the chance nor that every man wants to rape. What the phrase means is that since rapists do not wear easy to identify signs to show they are rapists, it is in a woman’s best interest to be cautious. It means that even those people a woman has accepted into her circle of trust can be the very person who rapes her. That is the tragedy here. Let us not accuse every man of being anti social and immoral ( let us also not forget that many men are raped too) But the fact is that rapists roam around in every size, age, shape and color. He may be sitting in the same row in the class room or the movie theater and may be scheming to violate someone later in the evening. He may be in the queue waiting patiently to be attended. Or he maybe the guy who asks the time at the bus stop.

Rape has a very long-lasting psychological impact on a woman of any age . When some men rape, and when 80% of those who are raped know the man who attacked them, it becomes virtually impossible to distinguish men who are safe from men who are dangerous, men who can be trusted from men who can’t, men who will rape from men who won’t. The result is a society with its guard up, where relationships with men are approached with fear and mistrust, where intimacy is limited by the constant threat of violence, and where all men are labeled “potential rapists.” The good news is that men, by and large, have a rape switch meaning basically that although men are capable of rape, most men are enculturated in a way that reduces rape, and in some societies it is probably true that most violent rape is carried out by individuals who are reasonably labeled as pathological but this is not always the case. There are psychological boundaries that many men never cross but take those boundaries away and it changes everything. A good example of this is what happens in theatres of war where rape has become a weapon. Rape is easier to justify in the minds of rapists in this situation as boundaries generally are lower. Soldiers are trained to kill the enemy. Put in context, rape seems to be the “lighter” crime. Could this same concept apply to a man who sees the opportunity to overpower a woman and rape her? Rape is a choice men make to use sex as a weapon for power and control. For rape to stop, men who are violent, must be empowered to make different choices. All men can play a vital role in this process by challenging rape supporting attitudes and behaviors and raising awareness about the damaging impact of sexual violence. Every time a man’s voice joins those of women in speaking out against rape, the world becomes safer.

Why Men Rape

A study by Cohen and Seghorn on 800 male sex offenders in the US found the ‘relative absence of even the most basic social values and/or social skills in them.’ The researchers suggested four classifications of rapists, a classification which has been supported by earlier as well later research. The classifications are:

Displaced aggression: Here the rape almost always follows some unpleasant event involving a wife, girl-friend or mother and the rapist uses rape as an outlet for his anger. In these cases the rape is used to physically harm the victim, who is usually a stranger.
Impulse: Here the act of rape is based on impulse and is not motivated by sexual hunger or feelings. For example it can be carried out during a robbery.
Sex aggression diffusion: Here the aggressive and sexual components coexist and the rapist is aroused by aggressive thoughts. He sees the victim’s struggle as seductive and even believes that women like to be raped.
Compensation: Sex is the key component and if the victim struggles or tries to escape, the would-be offender flees. The recurrent fantasy of these rapists is that the victim will yield. These offenders are passive. These rapes are mostly pre-planned.

Another classification (by Kopp) after a study of 100 rapists revealed a high incidence of anti-social or psychopathic personalities amongst rapists. A rapist is often a cold, seemingly unfeeling man who has always taken what he wanted from others without concern for their feelings. This type constitutes the largest percentage of all rapists. Whether spoilt brat or a person living on the edge, the personality type is similar. They want something and they don’t care whom they hurt to get it.

Attitudes towards Rape

More than half of Britons believe some rape victims should take responsibility for being attacked, research has suggested . In a new poll, 56 per cent of those questioned felt that there were certain circumstances where the victim should be held partly accountable. Of those, 28 per cent thought people who wore revealing clothes should take some of the blame if they were sexually assaulted. Among women, 23 per cent said if someone danced provocatively at a nightclub they should be held partly responsible, and 15 per cent said the same if they had accepted a drink from their attacker. The research, called Wake Up To Rape, was carried out to mark the 10th anniversary of the Havens, which runs sexual assault referral centres in London. Dr Jan Welch, clinical director at the Haven in Camberwell, south-east London, said: “Unfortunately, women have bought into the idea that sometimes the rape victim is to blame. Under no circumstances is a woman at fault for being raped. “Coping with the emotional trauma of rape or sexual assault is made even harder when the victim is made to feel responsible for what’s happened.”

The role of loss in depression.

September 11, 2012 — Dr. Nicholas Jenner

Life is such that we never get all that we want and this is probably just as well. When we taste some amount of success, we are usually rightly elated for a short time. However,part of this is that we have also to get used to loss when things go against us. Whether it is the loss of a job, the end of a relationship or a missed target at work, the way we deal with loss is critical and can soon lead to depression if not dealt with properly. When one of the events mentioned occurs, then of course, we are down or sad for a while but this should be a fleeting experience. However, if it lasts longer than a few days, it could lead to depression and can be worse if depression is already present. The depressed individual will then view himself in a negative, distorted manner even more. It leads to experiences being misconstrued and made more negative than normal. The roots of depression are usually found in childhood and experiences of loss at this time, leaving the depressed individual over-sensitized in adulthood.

Aaron Beck defined what constitutes a loss as highly individual and unpredictable but stated that most were interpreted and responded to in similar ways ( Beck,AT, Cognitive Therapy of Depression).:

1. The individual believes he has failed to reach a goal or objective and has lost something valuable. ( Break-up, being made redundant)

2. He sees little value in setting future goals or engaging in positive or constructive activities and sees his future as bleak.

3. He sees himself as a loser, useless, worthless, inept or untalented.

4. This leads to a destructive vicious circle where

Negative thinking leads to negative feelings which leads to lack of motivation

Each of the above reinforce each other and keep the individual stuck in a seemingly never-ending spiral. During this cycle, individuals engage in a variety of self-defeating thinking patterns. For example, reduced self-esteem, comparing oneself negatively to others, blame themselves for failing in areas where they expected to succeed and magnifying this and increased pessimism. When this goes too far, thoughts of suicide can prevail and a certain percentage will carry this through.

If help is sought, there is much that can be done to combat depression in therapy. A therapist will try ( along with the client) to identify three distinct levels of the depressive episode. Firstly, observable symptoms such as sadness, loss of motivation or apathy then the disturbed underlying motivations, for example, withdrawal from social circles and then dysfunctional cognitions like life is pointless and hopeless. CBT therapists especially employ various methods to challenge these maladaptive assumptions such as visualising success, setting small goals and rewards and finding alternative explanations for dysfunctional responses. Important also is the logging of daily moods and successes as a homework assignment.

Depression : The symptoms

Although it is often classed as ‘mental illness’, clinical depression often has as many physical symptoms as mental. The feelings or emotions that are depression symptoms actually begin to cause the physical effects. How this happens is a vital part of understanding depression and the symptoms that come with it. If you are depressed at the moment some of the following symptoms may sound familiar:

You feel miserable and sad.
You feel exhausted a lot of the time with no energy.
You feel as if even the smallest tasks are sometimes impossible.
You seldom enjoy the things that you used to enjoy – you may be off sex or food or may ‘comfort eat’ to excess.
You feel very anxious sometimes.
You don’t want to see people or are scared to be left alone. Social activity may feel hard or impossible.
You find it difficult to think clearly.
You feel like a failure and/or feel guilty a lot of the time.
You feel a burden to others.
You sometimes feel that life isn’t worth living.
You can see no future. There is a loss of hope. You feel all you’ve ever done is make mistakes and that’s all that you ever will do.
You feel irritable or angry more than usual.
You feel you have no confidence.
You spend a lot of time thinking about what has gone wrong, what will go wrong or what is wrong about yourself as a person.
You may also feel guilty sometimes about being critical of others (or even thinking critically about them).
You feel that life is unfair.
You have difficulty sleeping or wake up very early in the morning and can’t sleep again. You seem to dream all night long and sometimes have disturbing dreams.
You feel that life has/is ‘passing you by.’
You may have physical aches and pains which appear to have no physical cause, such as back pain.

It’s this wealth of depression symptoms, and the broad scope that confuses many people as to what depression actually is. Explanations rarely cover all the symptoms, and everybody’s experience is different.

Online Therapy details : Here

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Boundaries of the Soul

Dr Nicholas Jenner

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Your True Self will help with the Inner Critic.

The Inner Critic comes in all forms

Determining factors in Recovery from Rape and Sexual assault

What is it really like to be an online patient?

Depression : An everyday tale

Co-Dependency: Steps to Recovery with a Therapist.

Thinking negatively can sometimes help us see the positive.

Marriage is a funny concept!!

Is every man a potential rapist? Trigger Warning : This article discusses rape issues. If you feel uncomfortable reading about this…please do not go further.

The role of loss in depression.

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