Monthly Archives: March 2012

Reflections…… 32

Depression, Family, General, Happiness, Relationships, Self-Help, Stress Management • Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

This Saturday, I reach a milestone in my life. Yes, I reach 50. For some it is the beginning of the end, for some it is the end but for me it is the beginning. If you read my last post, you will realise that I spent almost thirty years trying to make sense of an event that occurred when I was 11. I am now in a position where I can look forward to the rest of my life with the anticipation of catching up on some of the things I have missed out on. This year will be very special for me (more about that later). I often liken the changes in my life to the changes in the seasons as this seems very appropriate somehow.

Some people love the summertime, others love the cold of the winter. Me? More than anything, I love the changing of the seasons. It really doesn’t matter from what season to another, I love the fact that there’s a certainty, a progress to the year that you can count on almost like nothing else in this world. Autumn doesn’t care if you’re sad or depressed, it’s coming nonetheless. And winter won’t hold off until you’re feeling less anxious or manic. The seasons will change no matter what happens in our small lives or on the planet we live on.There is something comforting about that. Seasons put my life into perspective. I gaze out onto the trees in my back garden and know not only that some of them are older than me, but will be here for many generations to come long after I’m gone. It puts things into perspective for me. Perspective is that we age really, really fast. In one blink of an eye, we’ve blown through another 5 years in our lives. Before you know it, you’re in your 20s, or 30s, or 40s. Decades seem to fly by if you’re not careful. Don’t get me wrong, I believe I’ve led a pretty full life (although it’s become a lot fuller since I met my wife a few years ago). But I also think that time can get by you if you’re not careful and you should always be aware of ways to ensure you’re not only enjoying as much of it as you can, but are living the life you want to live. Some people live life as though it were a dress rehearsal. They believe that you shouldn’t act in the moment, because another moment will always be there. I thought that way once too, when I was younger. I let so many opportunities and possibilities pass me by because I was too shy or too self-conscious to grab a hold of the moment and make it mine. No longer. I pursue every opportunity that presents itself, and try and live as much in the moment as possible. I’ve come to finally realize that the changing of the seasons is also a time when looking back brings new momentum, learning from successes and failures and looking forward to new exciting things to come.

I don’t pretend it’s always easy. I lose track of days and weeks that seem to melt into months and before I know it, another season has come and gone. I look back on it and say, “What do I have to show for the past 3 months?” Sometimes, not a lot. Sometimes I will think only in terms of my work or career, and put aside my own spiritual, relationship and emotional development. I have to try and as much as possible be a whole person… and work on all areas in my life as much as possible day to day, week to week, and month to month. Sure, some weeks, some area may suffer from a little neglect. But I should never let months or seasons go by without paying attention and feeding my relationship, my spirituality, my emotional needs, and my career.

It is hard to know what will happen in the future and actually, it is good not to know. I have had enough brushes with death to know that life cannot be taken for granted.All I can say is that I am happy with my life as I reach 50. I am in a good place.

The most unforgiveable of crimes…. 19

Depression, Family, Happiness, Relationships, Self-Help, Stress Management • Tags: , ,

Let the following snippets from victims remind us that child abuse is the most unforgiveable of crimes…….. victims live every day with the knowledge that someone has stolen their most precious gift..the future.

M’s Story

“I always wondered why Dad did the things he did to me (us), was it my fault? Did I do something to entice him?  I kept the secret until just recently.  I have terrible nightmares.  And I thought that was all it was until one day my sister said “Sorry honey that was not just a dream”.  All the dreams I had about “some man” touching and violating me when I was 6 – 8 years of age turned out to be about my own father.  He did not just violate me, he chased my older sister away from our home, he raped the two sisters that came after me, and he assaulted our five-year old nephew.  How can any one man destroy so many lives and so many innocents? “

A’s Story

“When I was 4 or 5 I remember it was just me and my mom, and I loved that. She paid attention to me and we had so much fun. Then she met her husband Doug. When I turned 6 that’s when things started to happen. He started to sexually abuse me on a regular basis. It took me years to figure out that what he was doing was wrong and unacceptable. When I was at my babysitter’s I had told her what he was doing and she called my mom and Child protective services. That did nothing though; my Mom just sent them away and told them I was over reacting and that I just wanted attention. After that I just kept my mouth shut for years because I knew she’s just going to tell me it didn’t happen and she didn’t believe me.” .

K’s Story

“Several days prior to my birthday, February 6th, I started feeling anxious again. From dealing with this in the past, I knew a memory was coming, and it was tied to a date. I couldn’t believe until the last moment that it was my birthday, he did it on my birthday… Now there was no need to wonder why I could never remember any of my birthday celebrations – they were all blocked because of THAT one”

F’s Story

” I have lived with a secret for the majority of my life. Many others are living with the same secret and they, like me, are suffering from the damage and pain it causes.”

N’s Story

” Even though I am approaching fifty, I will never forgive you for sentencing me to thirty years of trying to make sense of what you did and then denied “

Keeping a secret can be a very lonely responsibility.  As survivors of childhood sexual abuse we were taught to keep the secrets of our trauma.  Sometimes we kept the secret because we were afraid of the consequences, and sometimes we kept the secret because we thought we shared a special relationship with our abuser.  For whatever reason; quietly and in solitude we endured shame and confusion, unaware that countless other children were bearing the same burden as we were. Never be afraid to BREAK THE SILENCE…ABUSE IS NOT YOUR FAULT !!  If you are a victim of child abuse, a survivor or know someone who was or is a victim of child abuse and you need someone to talk to, please feel free to contact me*. I would be more than happy to help you get through in the same way I did. Don’t live with the silence.

Dr. Nicholas Jenner is a Counseling psychologist in private practice working with individuals, couples, groups and companies. Apart from seeing clients face-to-face, Dr Jenner also runs a thriving online therapy business bringing help to those who are housebound or located in rural locations where therapy is difficult to find.

Online Therapy details : http://www.therapy-for-leaders.com/buy-online-therapy

* Please note : this is not a pitch for services. I am only interested in providing a place for victims to talk.

Perfection = setting yourself up for failure! 35

Depression, General, Self-Help, Stress Management • Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Many people who suffer from low self-esteem are driven by unhelpful thinking about the standards they have set themselves in order to feel good about themselves. If you are one of these people then you have a lot in common with most of the clients I see. A commonality is that they are usually bright and intelligent and have achieved relative success in their lives. Yet their self-esteem stays low because they haven’t achieved the perfect way of being they believe they should attain. We all know that it is almost impossible to get a perfect score in life and who really knows what “perfect” is?  How would we even know that we have reached perfection? Even being the best in the world doesn’t suggest being perfect. So the easy equation is…the more you try to be perfect…the more times you will fail!  How does this then affect self-esteem? the simple answer is hugely! What it means is that however well you do, in your mind you have failed to reach the target and you spend your time beating yourself up about it. Not to mention all the time and energy you spend trying to bridge the gap from where you are to where you think you should be.

 Where does perfection come from?

Many studies have highlighted the fact that when we are children with demanding parents, that is 80% should be 90 and 90% should be 100, perfectionism can be the result. Playing sport is not good enough unless you are the best, playing an instrument means hours of relentless practice. You get the picture! This doesn’t mean that the parents do not love their children but the constant pushing and upping the benchmarks leave children with a fear of failure and a feeling of whatever they do not being good enough. These children carry this through to adulthood as a self-defeating belief, constantly criticising themselves and feeling worthless when things are not perfect as they see them. Though it is easy to look at parenting styles for the reasons, there can be others:

  • A desperate need to please someone who you feel has contributed to your success
  • Sibling rivalry
  • Feelings of inferiority, that is, conditional love….if I am not perfect, they will not love me.
  • Abandonment or a feeling of  “I will show them”

Letting go of impossible goals and targets is a vital part of increasing self-esteem and reducing perfectionism. How can anyone ever feel good about themselves if they constantly set high standards that are impossible to achieve? Perfectionist thinking excludes the enjoyment of an activity and bases the level of pleasure had on how effective the task was done . Flexibly striving for good results rather than rigidly looking for perfection can make all the difference.

 10 things to remember about Perfectionism

  1. Attempting perfection is a recipe for failure. It doesn’t matter how good you are.
  2. To really understand perfectionism as faulty thinking, where it came from needs to be accepted.
  3. Perfectionism is not necessary and will not get you further in life.
  4. Perfection is not quantifiable and is generally all in the mind.
  5. Look at others and how they work for a more balanced view.
  6. Consider perfectionism as a thinking error, not reality.
  7. Remember that 80% is “good enough” in all situations.
  8. Consider that perfectionism could come from the need to be proved right. We sometimes feel a lack of self-esteem if this is not so.
  9. Perfectionism comes from the past and old rules which are no longer valid.
  10. Let go of the idea that you have to be perfect to feel good.

Dr. Nicholas Jenner is a Counseling psychologist in private practice working with individuals, couples, groups and companies. Apart from seeing clients face-to-face, Dr Jenner also runs a thriving online therapy business bringing help to those who are housebound or located in rural locations where therapy is difficult to find.

Online Therapy details : http://www.therapy-for-leaders.com/buy-online-therapy

The negative effect of Maladaptive Thinking. 24

Depression, Family, Happiness, Relationships, Self-Help, Stress Management • Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

I can’t quite remember where I heard it first but it has fascinated me for a long time. The quote went ” You know you are getting old when you look in the mirror one day and find your parent looking at you”. As time marches on, this gem becomes more and more relevant but looks are not the only attributes we carry with us as we progress through various life stages. Without wishing to provoke debate on nature versus nurture and whether we are born with a genetic toolbox to start off in life, it is clear that we are, in our early years like the proverbial sponge, soaking up influence from the environment and people around us, notably our primary care-givers. This influence, good or bad, dictates our thought patterns as we grow up, affecting our window on the world and forming the basis for relationships with peers and others. What parents do and don’t do, say and don’t say, provide their children with the experiences that children interpret into beliefs. Those beliefs, in turn, then determine their behavior and emotions and, ultimately, their lives-for better or for worse. Worse still, apparent good intentions by parents when disciplining a child can lead to problems later.

Most parents at this point would probably respond: ” Isn’t our job as parents to get our children to behave, to teach them, and to make them happy?” If you succeed in achieving what you wanted, and, as a result of your interaction with your child, he or she forms negative self-esteem beliefs, such as, I’m not good enough or I‘m not worthwhile, or negative beliefs about life, such as, What I want doesn’t matter or I’ll never get what I want, was your behavior really “successful”? In other words, is what you achieved short term with your child worth the long-term cost? Optimum is when a child is taught that it is safe to express feelings, explore and see the world as a trusting place through guidance from parents. While a child’s behaviour is important, coaching and guiding are more likely to produce a more-balanced adult.

So what do we do if our parents weren’t the coaching and guiding sort, had problems of their own or are carrying their own negative influences from the past and this has left us as adults with attitude problems? Most self-help literature will advice us to “change the way we think to change our life”. This is indeed good advice but often easier said than done and is often thrown to the wayside when attempts do not bring immediate results. Then the typical dysfunctional thought patterns such as all or nothing thinking, generalisation, mind-reading and “victim” mentality amongst others return. To change this style of thinking takes considerable time and effort and that is exactly what is needed to “cure” this.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

The premise of CBT is based on an assumption that an interpretation of an event is crucial because it determines how we fell and act. Where beliefs and thought patterns are unrealistic (see below), this can quickly lead to depression, anxiety and phobia. CBT aims to alleviate emotional distress through confronting and challenging errors in thinking. It does so by identifying and exploring the way a client views and interprets the world and situations around them. These errors can be tested with the client against objective reality, that is, how likely it is. The client can then slowly start to assess himself and the world more realistically as most dysfunctional thinking is based on hypotheses and not facts. The background to CBT is therefore founded on three main assumptions :

  • Feelings and behavior are directly affected by the way a person thinks.
  • Negative and unrealistic patterns of thinking give rise to emotional disorders.
  • Altering these thought patterns can reduce emotional disturbance or distress.

 The 10 most common cognitive distortions 

CBT postulates that most people display common errors in thinking and this is magnified when emotions are stirred or a triggering event occurs. The following is a very brief summary of the 10 most common cognitive distortions.

  1. All or nothing thinking. I also call this “black or white” thinking. Everything is all good, or all bad. There is nothing in between.
  2. Overgeneralization. You tend to view any single negative thing as an eternal pattern of negativity. If one bad thing happens, the world is obviously coming to an end.
  3. Disqualifying the positive. You can’t accept anything positive ever happening. So if something good happens, you always find a way to turn it into a negative thing, or explain why it was a fluke or it doesn’t count.
  4. Mental filter. You filter out all good qualities of something so you can focus on the negative. In this way everything becomes negative.
  5. Jumping to conclusions. You become a mind reader and a fortune teller. You interpret everything in a negative way without any supporting evidence.
  6. Catastrophizing or minimization. You blow minor things out of proportion, and minimize positive things.
  7. Emotional reasoning. You assume that your negative emotions and feelings reflect actual reality. If you feel bad, everything is bad.
  8. Should statements. You try and mold the world to your vision of reality, instead of accepting the world’s reality. A very common version of this in relationships is, “If he (or she) loved me he (or she) wouldn’t ….”
  9. Labeling and mislabeling. Overgeneralization in the extreme. You actually believe the overgeneralizations and make them reality in your own mind.
  10. Personalization. You take things personally. You become very defensive at even the slightest perceived criticism.

Sadly, people who display these cognitive distortions assume that their internal world reflects external reality and they rarely question that assumption. They believe them to be true, logical and accurate. In therapy, a key factor is for the therapist to teach the client in these cases that :

  • Reality is different from our “perception of reality”
  • Our individual experience of reality is shaped by sensory input but more importantly by interpretation.
  • This can result in “distortions of reality”
  • Distortions are often based on internal cognitive processes rather than on gathering factual information.

Over a period of time, the client can distance themselves from these distortions. CBT is especially suitable for online therapy.

Dr. Nicholas Jenner is a Counseling psychologist in private practice working with individuals, couples, groups and companies. Apart from seeing clients face-to-face, Dr Jenner also runs a thriving online therapy business bringing help to those who are housebound or located in rural locations where therapy is difficult to find.

Online Therapy details : http://www.therapy-for-leaders.com/buy-online-therapy

 

Online Therapy….first impressions : The way forward. 20

Depression, Family, Happiness, Self-Help, Stress Management • Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

I didn’t really get serious about online therapy until about six months ago and didn’t do anything about it until Christmas this year. I have now been ‘officially’ offering the service for about six weeks and the results have been interesting to say the least. I have had many general enquiries, firm bookings, first consultations and some technical nightmares. I have had some interesting enquiries about collaboration projects and have chosen the ones that fit with my concept to work with. All this in the space of six weeks! Just shows where this is heading.

One thing that became clear to me very quickly was that if you are a therapist who expects to take every case that requests online therapy, then you will be disappointed. I have already turned down three enquiries, sending them to local therapists, due to the severe nature of the condition. There is a fine balance and the first consultation is crucial to diagnose and assess how relevant online therapy is for a client.

So what have I (and my clients) found to be effective so far ?My client profiles are generally of a nature that they are in a position where they lead busy hectic lives and the advantage of working online is that they can fit a session in flexibly during the day or evening. They are located in rural areas where therapy is not readily available or are at home with children. They have all commented on how easy it is, how they quickly felt comfortable and found it “less intimidating” than a therapist’s office.  I have found that, as a therapist, my listening skills must be honed more than when a client is face to face due to having to pick out vital clues in the language used rather than body language. One thing is key: the technical requirements must be up to date and there must be a good internet connection. I have found that the quality of the session is partly down to the quality of the connection. The alternative to direct video is telephone which has also worked well in one case.

So what is different to face to face therapy ? I still enjoy giving therapy in the traditional sense, here in my office with a client sitting on my couch and I see online therapy as a supplement to my services at the moment. I have noticed that due to the very nature of online therapy, there is more work to do between sessions with extra client contact. I receive more mail from my online clients and I am more likely to be called by them. I have also found that online clients tend to engage less in that first five minutes of small talk and are more likely to dive in straight away with their issues. Small points but interesting.

So what is the future for me? I very much saw the first few months as a test to see if I feel comfortable enough with the extra challenges presented by online therapy to be effective as a therapist using this medium. What I have found is that I need to use my skills in a different way. I have been greatly encouraged by my first few weeks. The satisfaction of bringing help to people who thought there was none has been an extra benefit for me. I truly believe that online therapy can be an extremely useful tool used in the right way with the right client.

Dr. Nicholas Jenner is a Counseling psychologist in private practice working with individuals, couples, groups and companies. Apart from seeing clients face-to-face, Dr Jenner also runs a thriving online therapy business bringing help to those who are housebound or located in rural locations where therapy is difficult to find.

Online Therapy details : http://www.therapy-for-leaders.com/buy-online-therapy

Nature vs Nurture..and then some. 13

Depression, Family, General, Happiness, Self-Help, Stress Management • Tags: , , , , , , ,

Most of a therapist’s daily work is to help a client put childhood experiences and parenting styles in perspective. It is true that our early years have an enormous influence on us as adults, positively or negatively. Many parents, in the stress of coming to terms with being new parents, sometimes forget that every single interaction they have with a young child leaves its mark. This statement suggests that we are, as children, like sponges, willing and able to soak up all experience and influence from our surroundings and that is true. However, one could say that we are somewhat prepared for this by being handed a “genetic toolbox”, formed from the genes of our parents and incorporated into our brains as we develop in the womb. There is often strong discussion in the medical profession about which of these have the greater influence…nature versus nurture.

Many observers have likened being born to being held under water for nine months and then being allowed to take a breath of air. Others have said that it is the most traumatic event we will ever face, being suddenly plunged into a confusing, hectic world with no idea what is happening. Depending on which side of the nature versus nurture argument one stands, a newborn is either fully ‘wired’ for life or comes with a ‘blank slate’ , having to soak up all environmental influences around it in order to develop. These opposing views have resulted in fierce debate over the years and the true answer probably lies somewhere in the middle though supporters of each side have made convincing arguments for their case.

The fact is that it is probably not an either-or case but both work in unison. It is hard to believe that we arrive in this world with no cognitive influence from our parents.  This theory would be, for me, implausible given that the very conception process that creates a newborn is associated with the passing on of genes from both parents. Of course, one could also argue that environmental influence could haven taken place in the womb, as I am sure it does.

Much research done concerning identical and non-identical twins reared together and apart appear to suggest that genetic factors have more of an influence on psychological development than environmental factors. Additionally, adopted children are more likely to show hereditary characteristics than ones learned from their new environment. (Rowe 1993). Adding credibility to the argument that we have a genetic ‘toolbox’ available at birth, Greenough, Black and Wallace (1987) determined two different neural pathways in newborns. The first, the experience-expectant system contains all the functions that a newborn needs to be able to survive its early life, including sucking, breathing and temperature regulation. These are present due to genetic programming. The second, the experience-dependant system is dormant at birth but develops and strengthens as learning and experience takes hold. The evidence makes a convincing argument for the influence of genetic and environmental influence on the development of a child. Just what the percentage is for either side is remains a mystery.

However, to add a twist into the debate, new research by psychologist George Holden at Southern Methodist University in Dallas states that a third factor must be added..parental guidance. Child development researchers largely have ignored the importance of parental “guidance,” Holden says. In his model, effective parents observe, recognize and assess their child’s individual genetic characteristics, then cultivate their child’s strengths.

“It’s been said that parents are the ‘architect’ or the ‘conductor’ of a child’s development. There are lots of different synonyms, but the terms don’t capture the essence that parents are trying to ‘guide,’” Holden says. “Some parents have more refined goals — like wanting their child to be an athlete or to have a particular career. Some have more general goals — such as not wanting their child to become a criminal. But all are positive goals.”

Dr. Nicholas Jenner is a Counseling psychologist in private practice working with individuals, couples, groups and companies. Apart from seeing clients face-to-face, Dr Jenner also runs a thriving online therapy business bringing help to those who are housebound or located in rural locations where therapy is difficult to find.

Online Therapy details : http://www.therapy-for-leaders.com/buy-online-therapy/

 

 

 

TV as a babysitter…No, Thanks! 22

Depression, Family, Happiness, Relationships, Self-Help, Stress Management • Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

The moment we switch on our TV, we are bombarded with images from all over the world. While some might see this as somewhat educational, the effects on children when they are subjected to images of war, natural disasters and murder can be long-lasting and in some cases, severely damaging.

Statistics clearly show that children “who are left unattended to watch TV coverage of natural disasters, war and terrorist attacks are three times more likely to suffer from some symptoms of PTSD” (American Centre for Mental Health). Mental health studies around the effects on children watching more than three hours of coverage of 9/11, found that they showed distinct symptoms of PTSD up to three years later including:

- becoming upset if their parents are not close by, have trouble sleeping, or suddenly having trouble with toilet training or going to the bathroom.

- acting out the trauma through play, drawings, or stories and complaining of physical problems or becoming more irritable or aggressive. They also developed fears and anxiety that did not seem to be caused by the traumatic event.

- developing a general feeling of insecure attachment to parents, behavioural problems and difficulty concentrating.

- nightmares and signs that they were constantly reliving the tragedy.

It is too simple to just place the blame for this on the media. As parents, we all hold responsibility for what our children watch on television (if anything) and protect them from such events. Too often, the television is seen as a ‘babysitter’ to keep the children quiet while other tasks are done. Yet, by doing so, parents are leaving the mental health of their children in the hands of others. We cannot protect them totally from learning about these things but helping children to understand what happened goes a long way towards them coping with it.

Of course, most children will never be exposed physically to such horrors. But children see and hear so much that can frighten them, it becomes a challenge to protect them. Here’s what you can do:

Honestly express your own fears. If a child senses that you are secretly worried, she will keep her worries to herself. The idea of war,violence and natural disaster terrify children, shattering the sense of order, routine, and predictability that makes them feel safe. Pretending you are not afraid will not work. However, by admitting your fears, and showing them that you can handle them, you show how to cope and you send the message that they can overcome their fears.

Do not dismiss their worries. Let children know that you are available to talk, and when they do open up, encourage them to discuss their fears. Their emotions and feelings deserve to be acknowledged and addressed in a loving, comforting way. If you deny or minimize what a child feels, you handicap her ability to put life’s ups and downs in perspective and she’ll grow up distrusting her own judgment. Of course, many times we do not have a good explanation for why something happened. In that case, simply listening and giving a child a chance to say what she’s thinking can be what’s called for.

Put problems in perspective. Keep in mind that, until they are 6 or 7, most children do not have the ability to logically think through something that has happened or to put into perspective an event they see on television. That is why it is critical to limit exposure to the news or to frightening, violent television shows or movies. However, if your children do see or hear something that scares them, use it as an opportunity to teach concepts such as probability.

Finally, remember where the off-switch is and limit generally the amount of television watched by children. Studies have shown that TV is linked to a wide variety of health risks, especially in young children. Yet, the number of hours watched per day by children seems to be increasing, if anything. With satellite TV, hundreds of channels, new video games, and programs offering unlimited DVD rentals, it’s enticing to take advantage of the technology and be part of the “cultural” scene. But despite how easy it is to switch on the TV to make your kids sit still, this past time has little good to offer and much risk to contend with.

Dr. Nicholas Jenner is a Counseling psychologist in private practice working with individuals, couples, groups and companies. Apart from seeing clients face-to-face, Dr Jenner also runs a thriving online therapy business bringing help to those who are housebound or located in rural locations where therapy is difficult to find.

Online Therapy details : http://www.therapy-for-leaders.com/buy-online-therapy/

 

We cannot communicate without understanding. 13

Family, Happiness, Relationships, Self-Help, Stress Management • Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I can honestly say that there are not too many people who have had a true influence (some fleeting) on my life but Stephen Covey is one of them. His practical way of looking at making life better has always struck a chord with me and after having a chance to see him live a few years ago, I have tried to implement his teachings into my life work and relationships. I first read The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People years ago and have returned to it and its various spin-offs many times. While we must always look at the general sel-help genre with a touch of healthy skepticism, Covey can be considered one of the masters. I have often used the Indian Talking Stick method in couples therapy with great effect.

Of all the habits that he advocates, my favorite is the one regarding communication, something we can never learn enough about. Covey’s fifth habit, seek first to understand, then to be understood promotes the benefits of excellent communication skills and especially, listening. He states clearly that in most relationships, troubles occur due to the lack of listening skills on one or both sides. He likens this to medical treatment where we are so quick to rush in and opinionate and prescribe before we have all the information at hand. This is the foundation that Covey builds his fifth habit on “diagnose before you prescribe”, a simple and effective method of increasing empathy in relationships, whether business or personal.

Covey goes as far as to say that good communication skills are an indicator of character and so gives the trust needed to be able to counsel or advise others. He states that there are vital factors entailed in Habit 5 and he starts off with the importance of emphatic listening. He uses various examples to show the reader the advantages of this including a business deal, interaction between father and son and one from his own experience where a doctor prescribes medication to Covey’s young child before he had gained vital information. The basic principle is to listen with the intent to understand not just to listen. Covey states clearly that as we look at the world through our own “autobiographies”, we are too quick to give advice, pass on our experience and form an opinion before we really understand what is being asked of us. We are, by listening emphatically, in essence trying to look at the world through the other person’s eyes and their “frame of reference”. He likens this to various professions, most of which need to engage in much preparation work before the project or product gets off the ground. Lawyers and doctors gather facts before giving an opinion, engineers try to understand before they design and opticians need to test before they can recommend the right eyewear.

Covey goes on to explain the autobiographical responses that can occur when we communicate with someone without listening emphatically. These are.

1. Evaluate. an initial agreement or disagreement

2. Probe. we ask questions based on our own frame of reference or experience

3. Advise: we give counsel and advice, often before we understand the problem

4. Interpret: we try to assess what is happening, reason for motives but based on our own.

Covey warns that these are inbred, automatic responses that have been given to us by influences and “examples all around us” and restrict the process of emphatic listening. When people start to listen to understand and really practice the process then it is immaterial which principle centre we work from, communication will happen because both sides want it and see the benefit of it. Positive perception is increased and trust and empathy are enhanced.

To sum up, Covey’s recipe for effective communication is “seek first to understand then to be understood” which Covey exemplifies in the phrase “seeking to understand takes consideration, seeking to be understood takes courage”. Working on the principle that to be understood needs clear, specific, visual ideas placed in context, Covey says that to be understood, can only achieved when you have a deep understanding of the recipients paradigms, concerns and principle centre. Once this is done, the credibility of your argument increases to the point that effective communication takes place.

 

PS : Today would have been my mother’s 68th birthday. Sad is that she didn’t even see 60 or 55 or even 53 for that matter. She succumbed to cancer at the age of 52 when her life was just beginning. While living in our strict Irish culture was not easy, she gave me wings to fly to far-off lands and find myself. I am sure she would have been very proud of the end product. Tá cion agam ort a mhaime.

Dr. Nicholas Jenner is a Counseling psychologist in private practice working with individuals, couples, groups and companies. Apart from seeing clients face-to-face, Dr Jenner also runs a thriving online therapy business bringing help to those who are housebound or located in rural locations where therapy is difficult to find.

Online Therapy details : http://www.therapy-for-leaders.com/buy-online-therapy/

 

How our sense of loss can lead to depression. 10

Depression, Happiness, Relationships, Self-Help, Stress Management • Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Life is such that we never get all that we want and this is probably just as well. When we taste some amount of success, we are usually rightly elated for a short time.  However,part of this is that we have also to get used to loss when things go against us. Whether it is the loss of a job, the end of a relationship or a missed target at work, the way we deal with loss is critical and can soon lead to depression if not dealt with properly. When one of the events mentioned occurs, then of course, we are down or sad for a while but this should be a fleeting experience. However, if it lasts longer than a few days, it could lead to depression and can be worse if depression is already present. The depressed individual will then view himself in a negative, distorted manner even more. It leads to experiences being misconstrued and made more negative than normal. The roots of depression are usually found in childhood and experiences of loss at this time, along with depression leave the depressed individual over-sensitized in adulthood.

Aaron Beck defined what constitutes a loss as highly individual and unpredictable but stated that most were interpreted and responded to in similar ways ( Beck,AT, Cognitive Therapy of Depression).:

1. The individual believes he has failed to reach a goal or objective and has lost something valuable. ( Break-up, being made redundant)

2. He sees little value in setting future goals or engaging in positive or constructive activities and sees his future as bleak.

3. He sees himself as a loser, useless, worthless, inept or untalented.

4. This leads to a destructive vicious circle where

Negative thinking leads to negative feelings which leads to lack of motivation

Each of the above reinforce each other and keep the individual stuck in a seemingly never-ending spiral. During this cycle, individuals engage in a variety of self-defeating thinking patterns. For example, reduced self-esteem, comparing oneself negatively to others, blame themselves for failing in areas where they expected to succeed and magnifying this and increased pessimism. When this goes too far, thoughts of suicide can prevail and a certain percentage will carry this through.

If help is sought, there is much that can be done to combat depression in therapy. A therapist will try ( along with the client) to identify three distinct levels of the depressive episode. Firstly, observable symptoms such as sadness, loss of motivation or apathy then the disturbed underlying motivations, for example, withdrawal from social circles and then dysfunctional cognitions like life is pointless and hopeless. CBT therapists especially employ various methods to challenge these maladaptive assumptions such as visualising success, setting small goals and rewards and finding alternative explanations for dysfunctional responses. Important also is the logging of daily moods and successes as a homework assignment.

Dr. Nicholas Jenner is a Counseling psychologist in private practice working with individuals, couples, groups and companies. Apart from seeing clients face-to-face, Dr Jenner also runs a thriving online therapy business bringing help to those who are housebound or located in rural locations where therapy is difficult to find.

Online Therapy details : http://www.therapy-for-leaders.com/buy-online-therapy/

Don’t let your past define who you are. 32

Depression, Family, General, Happiness, Relationships, Self-Help, Stress Management • Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

A client who has been coming to therapy for quite some time, recently had a revelation where she finally realised that her family had conditioned her as a child to behave in a certain way. Intellectually, she always knew this but emotionally she could not accept it. She cried for the first time in years and has vowed to see this as an opportunity to change her belief systems. In our time together, she has often expressed terms similar to the following:

“My family has always been that way”

“That’s just the way I am”

“Because of my past, I can’t, won’t, will never be able to”.

These statements are often heard when people try to explain, justify or make excuses for their behaviour and attitudes, or the behavior of others. But just how much of our past experience really affects our present? One could never expect children who have been sexually, physically or verbally abused not to have some scars but even many of these have surely found peace and happiness through a process of closure and forgiveness,being able to love themselves and throwing off the shackles of the past.

The long-running debate about nature vs nurture has never really delivered a clear answer. Are we born with a genetic toolbox given to us by our parents that predetermines our future or do we come into this world as an empty slate, ready to soak up influence from the people and circumstances around us? My opinion is that it is somewhere in the middle meaning that we are influenced by genes and environment as we grow. That said,is it really possible to change this conditioning, if you need to? That is the million dollar question! A client recently said to me that you can only release the past and conditioning if you are aware of its influence. That is very true. Not only awareness but the desire to change has to be there. Some people, of course, could have the awareness but not the desire to change or vice versa. I personally know how difficult it is break with the past, live in the moment and look forward and not back. I come from a background of abuse and neglect, both physically and mentally and it has taken me many years to forgive and find my true self. I know realise that we are all victims of victims but it must stop somewhere and it has with me. Breaking free from your past conditioning is one of the hardest things to do in life but is essential if a fruitful life is to be had in the present.

There are many people who believe that we can change our moods and ultimately our attitudes by changing the way we think. These moods and ultimately depression can be often linked to our early influences.  Negative thoughts make these moods worse and can lead to depression and anxiety. Let me make it  perfectly clear: we cannot be happy all the time, despite what we read in self-help literature and it is totally unrealistic to think so. What we need is a recognition of the importance of analysing and changing distorted thinking with a view that one is able to see situations from a different viewpoint and not place a negative connotation on everything.  Analysing the ‘ vital connections’ between thoughts and emotions  is the first step in breaking out of negative thinking. Additionally, thoughts that bring anger, anxiety, guilt and frustration are often unrealistic and distorted even if they seem real at that very moment. The key to stopping this is to become aware of the presence of distortions and how they develop thought patterns. The old adage, we are what we think is certainly relevant here.

Being aware of negative thought distortions is the first step in recognising what thoughts are appropriate, which should be expressed and which should be changed. However,  at times anger and irritability when expressed in the right way and in the right place is totally appropriate especially within the context of a loving, honest relationship. Many people have major problems accepting the way they feel and this can lead to further distorted thinking.  Ask yourself questions to determine whether feelings should be expressed or changed.

1. How long has the feeling been held? If guilt is still being shown about an event that happened long ago, we have to ask ourselves, what is the purpose of holding it for much longer?

2. Are we willing to learn from the pain of negative experiences and thoughts and see them as part of a growth process?

3. Are we willing to change the way we think about a situation if we accept that our feelings are based on distorted thoughts patterns and then face the situation constructively?

4. Are we able and willing to judge if expressing feelings like anger at any given moment is helpful or hurtful? For example, avoiding conflict in a relationship can lead to feelings of resentment that can damage the relationship.

5. Are feelings shown against something that is completely out of one’s control such as frustration at a traffic jam or the economic situation?

6. Are feelings that are being shown a cover-up for the real problem that is being suppressed?

7. Are feelings of frustration to do with unrealistic views of the world aligned with ‘should’ ‘shouldn’t’ or must thinking?

8. Are feelings to do with unrealistic self-expectations that facilitate perfectionism and ‘ all or nothing’ thinking?

9. Are the feelings attached to a general feeling of hopelessness? Many people who believe they are hopeless will go to great lengths to find the evidence to support the theory.

10. Are the feelings attached to a sense of low self-esteem? People with high self-esteem can take criticism and rejection in a constructive manner. On the other hand, people with low self-esteem see themselves as inferior and display defensiveness and become angry quicker.

Dr. Nicholas Jenner is a Counseling psychologist in private practice working with individuals, couples, groups and companies. Apart from seeing clients face-to-face, Dr Jenner also runs a thriving online therapy business bringing help to those who are housebound or located in rural locations where therapy is difficult to find.

Online Therapy details : http://www.therapy-for-leaders.com/buy-online-therapy/