Communication is something we all know is necessary to keep any relationship strong and loving, and although we are aware of the importance of this, many people in the heat of the moment still seem to be clueless about what exactly good communication really is. Being open to better communication and avoiding the “who is going to win” scenario keeps a relationship healthy and once a couple start becoming more familiar with their communicating styles, they are better able to work as a team in making the best of the relationship.
The first step in achieving better communication that will really work, is to take a look at yourself first.
People always tend to turn to their partner when things are not running so smoothly in their relationship. They automatically start pointing out what their partner is doing or not doing, as well as how their partner is not listening to them. This may all be true depending on particular situations, but it is important that you take the responsibility in reviewing actions and communication from you first, before anything can be pointed out in your partner. Remember, it is very easy to see other people’s mistakes, but when it comes to looking at personal communication, it is much harder to accept criticism, even from yourself because no one wants to be wrong. This is where there is a need to get real about things. Communication is not about who is right or wrong, but instead about helping each other see things from each other’s perspective, so that both can be on the same page and avoid any misunderstanding that will cause unneeded arguments.
Get winning out of your mind.
So many couples claim to have tried communication, but it does not seem to work. If this is the case, the best thing would be to slow down, calm down and take a few steps back. Perhaps communication is not working for the relationship, but what is the method of communication being used? Communication itself cannot be the problem or the ineffective ingredient, because communication is the main key to a healthy relationship, so it must be the way the method is being used. When couples talk to each other, do one or both of talk to win the conversation, or to actually reach a level of understanding of each other’s needs and wants? Believe it or not, it is very common for people to focus on being right and trying to convince their partner to see things their way, instead of just sharing what they think and feel so their partner can understand what they mean and what they need. Communicating using your own autobiography is destined to fail.
Listening is so important…
… if a couple truly wish to accomplish good communication that will improve a relationship. Is active listening happening or are one or both sides planning the next move? Listening may sound like an easy enough thing to do, but many confuse it with hearing. Hearing what your partner is saying versus listening to them are indeed very different. Listening involves true dedication and full attention to the words your partner is serving up to you, as well as the tone of voice and expressions that go along with those words. Listening means that interest is there to learn more about what the speaker is making an effort to say and making the emotional connection needed in order to achieve relationship goals together. Keep in mind that when in a relationship, all communication between partners has to be open, honest, non-judgmental and patient, if success is to be had in maintaining a happy and healthy relationship.
Communication is not so complicated…
….once understanding is found concerning the correct way to communicate, and of course, what methods of communication work for the relationship best. Effective communication cannot happen on its own or with the efforts of only one person. Both partners have to be open and willing to work as a team on improving communication, so that both can enhance relationship skills and build a relationship where both have an understanding of who each are as individuals and what both need and want.
Dr. Nicholas Jenner is a Counseling psychologist in private practice working with individuals,couples, groups and companies
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